"That's so Fetch!"

"Gretchen stop trying to make fetch happen."

Being that I spent my afternoon slacking off out on the deck getting tan and watching cute/well built guys install the dock (I had honestly not seen a guy as hot these 2 in ages-I'd forgetten that lawyers aren't usually "model" quality) I thought I'd share my 3 favorite links.

1. Congratulations to Shakira, her song has been played more in one week then what is arguably the most overplayed song of all time (outside of perhaps "Tubthumping" by Chumbawumba).
2. iPods are the new black beer.
3. Hasselhoff as Secret Asian¹ Man.

¹That's what I thought the lyrics were when I was little.

Elle v. Goliath

My brother recently started his first job ever. He graduated high school this year and has been 18 since 2005. He works at a Country Club. One of the caddies "allegedly" stole (read: absolutely is guilty) his iPod out of his car (he had a 30 gig Video like I do). He's seen one of them listening to a black iPod since the incident. He is more passive than I am. I think it's a pretty clear cut case and being that my mom could barely afford to buy us the iPods for Christmas there is no way I'm going to let this caddy get away with this.

When I ran into my brother tonight I gave him a few choices:

1. He deals with it via the caddy and his "boyz" or the manager of the club.
2. I deal with it through the manager of the club.
3. I deal with it through the caddies.

I personally think door #3 is the best choice being that all 5'3'' of me arguing with 6'6'' guys never gets old.

Pretty Standard

Best Friend Forever: I'm leaving my apartment to come get you right now.

Elle Woods: Ok, so when do I have to put on pants.

BFF: In 20 minutes you sicko.

Happy Birthday Mr. President!

In honor our birthdays and the fact that I have a blog-crush on her, I would like take this time to direct you to my favorite Blawger, Moral Turpitude. Honestly, if you don't love the drawings I just do not know what to say.

Ohh, and this is so the posture I hold all day long. And yes, I did just have collagen injected into my lips.

Book Report

I just finished Anonymous Lawyer (it was a very quick read-I basically read it in one sitting last night and then had about 40 pages to finish up this morning).

As I said previously the form worked well with my A.D.D. tendencies. Most of you know by now that it's written as a blog. The story, however, (from my point of view) is actually led by e-mails sent back and forth between The Anonymous Lawyer, his Anonymous Niece (who will be starting at Yale law school in the fall), and a Summer Associate who figures out his identity. The e-mails provide for quick transitions and help to keep the readers attention, something a series of blog posts would fail to do in my opinion.

The interesting thing is that in the end I found myself pulling for the Anonymous Lawyer, who if you read the blog at all, you would probably guess is not your standard "hero." I'm not really sure if I was pulling for him because of the writing or because I deal with people like him all day long, who when you talk to one-on-one are actually decent human beings-no matter what persona they give off at work. I'd like to hear from some people who have read it who don't have jobs where they deal with narcissitic assholes all day to see if they felt the same way about the end.

Summer Reading...

I've gotten started reading Anonymous Lawyer, I really like it thus far, and while I wasn't sure how the format would really work I'm rather impressed by it and find it suits my A.D.D. personality/reading style very well. However, more on that later.

However, I had just started my first reading, a little book not many people have heard about-called The Da Vinci Code. I guess a movie just came out that was inspired by the book. I'd never read it so I figured I'd give it a try, but being that I'm 3 years behind the times I figured it could go on the back burner for a few more days.

"Everybody's Working for the Weekend."

It's pretty much a given that I'll spend a few hours in the office over the weekend no matter how much I resist. Given that [Hours] has trial this coming week, despite the lovely weather, I spent the majority of the time under fluorescent lighting.

I managed to bill over 14 hours this weekend (I usually bill about 4 on the weekend), even with distractions such as:

1. Eating broasted chicken, broasted potatoes and coleslaw with [Bill], [More] and [Hours] and learning that broasting is in actuality high pressure frying...Yet for some reason [Hours] claims it's better for you then regular fried chicken.
2. Catching [Hours] stashing about 15 mini bottles of Absolut Vodka in his desk drawer.
3. Watching [Hours] do a 10 minute impersonation of his Polish Brother in law.
4. Eating Chinese food with [Bill], [More] and [Hours].
5. Having [Hours] use his hairy, chubby, stomach as a "demonsterative exhibit" of where a scar was located.
6. Listening to [Hours] rant about how pissed he'd be if I didn't invite him to my wedding. I tried to explain not only did I not have a fiance that I didn't even have a boyfriend at this point in time. This did not seem to matter to him. I have never been more convinced eloping is the way to go.
7. Drinking [Hours] favorite Mexican beer with he, [Bill] and [More] once we wrapped up trial prep this evening.

I will say the office is more fun on the weekends, yet sadly it is not more fun then sitting out on my deck getting a suntan or swimming in the lake.

At least my Jergen's Glow allowed me to make-believe I spent time in the sun this weekend.

"I Wish-That-I Knew What I Know Now-When I Was Younger."*

Professor's might say they lower you 1/3rd of a letter grade for absences but they never do. Trust me, I have pushed this policy to the limit.

So when it's a gorgeous day and you'd rather be on the golf course or at a baseball game, go for it, since as a lawyer you can only get away with that if you have a client with you.

I should note: I have heard of people being dropped from a class, but they have to give notice for that, so no worry.

*Rod Stewart lyrics as a title. Wow. Wow.

Inverse Relation

I have one grade out still, it comes as no surprise it's the Judge who can't be bothered doing meaningless things like grading exams, that's what law clerks and interns are for.

What has come as a surprise were my other grades. Not going to class suits me and my GPA well. Literally the more class I miss the better I do. Yay me!

Press...

Today I got an e-mail forward from an associate with this link. Makes me kinda curious to know if he reads the Anonymous Lawyer Blawg, of other blawgs-namely mine. Too bad I couldn't brag I was getting an advance copy of the book (after a little whining).

INAPPROPRIATE!

[Hours]: Remember that thing she had on her lip she claimed was a Nair burn?

[Elle Woods]: Yeah, it was pretty gross.

[Hours]: It was herpes...Symplex 2. What middle aged woman gets that kind of herpes on their mouth? You KNOW it's not from her husband.

[Elle Woods]: Herpes lasts forever you know, she could have gotten it in the '70's.

[Hours]: Yeah, women did seem to give more BJ's back then.

The Cyclops

Today my associate friend lost a contact and couldn't see much of anything without it. He wanted to go home and get another. Apparently he "always" keeps a spare set in his desk-yet today he just happened to be out.

The partner he worked for had different plans. He folded a napkin in 4 and scotch-taped the napkin to the associate's face over his left eye as a makeshift eye patch and told him to get back to work since he was still short hours for the month.

Ahh the joys of firm life.

Ahh, Memorial Day...

Being the responsible tanner I am, I used an amplifier with SPF4, and given what I learned when I worked in the skin care business that meant it had to be reapplied every 1/2 hour-hour and that I could stay out in the sun 4 times longer then I could without sunscreen...Total for the day (this is where most people screw up). Given that I burn in 30 minutes, I'm back inside safely 2 hours later. (I know this was a boring paragraph about sunscreen, but somewhere, someone is going, "so that's how it works!" and for that, you are welcome).

So after my 2 hours in the sun I decided I would cool down with a quick dip in the lake. Quick being the operative word.

You see, when I was younger, I dove in and my then long blonde hair got tangled in the seaweed and I almost drowned. It's taken me 14 years to grow my hair back and still to this day when seaweed to much as touches me I FLIP THE F*CK OUT. My friends have come to realize this and will throw it at me...Real mature.

So I wade into the lake, everything looks clear so I start swimming, suddenly I see it, I'm over a "water forest" of seaweed. I take a second and pause, a decision that would instantly become a bad idea as my legs sunk down and became entangled with the demon-weeds.

I'm fairly certain my neighbors, who were hosting a family reunion, have never seen an "adult" flip out in the manner I proceeded to. I swam in as fast as I could and ran up the hill in the "front yard" (I hate how on a lake you call the back yard the front yard). Once I had reached safety I did what any normal person would do, light a cigarette and commenced smoking it as if nothing happened.

At first glance...

it would appear that my room needs to be cleaned, what with the piles of clothes strewn all over.

In fact I'd even toyed with the idea of doing it today. Then I decided laying out on the dock would be much more fun.

So I made a compromise (with myself), if I could find one of my swimsuits within 2 minutes I would skip the cleaning and get to work on getting premature wrinkles and skin cancer.

Luckily for me, my favorite suit was in the first place I looked.

Mystery of the Day

Why does a picture of Kenny Chesney come up on Jesus the iPod when I play Bob Dylan's Cocaine?

I am so confused, I don't even have any Kenny Chesney on Jesus the iPod.

Dear Kayne,

I want my sweater back. It's been missing and after I came across the picture below the only plausible excuse is that you stole it.

You might be fooling the others, but I know it's my Ralph Lauren Cable Knit Sweater in Geranium that you've been sporting.

Just return it as soon as you managed to climb off whatever groupie you're banging as you watch porn (like the sex addict you are) all the while telling her how awesome you, your albums, your producing skills are, and how lucky is she to be with such a humble guy.

Hugs and Kisses,
Elle Woods

P.S.-Try not to get anything on it...please.

P.P.S.-If I find out my white one is missing I'm coming after you.

You spelled "wine" wrong.

I just got an e-mail from Jeremy Blachman, apparently my whining might have paid off for once. Yay! Poor Guy doesn't realize that validating behavior like that doesn't lead anywhere good, just ask most all of my ex-boyfriends.

If this works out you guys will get to listen to my wax poetic about my opinion of the book, and I think we're all looking forward to that.

Ok, I should try to sleep since I've been up for almost 24 hours.

Random Thought...

Me saying I'm quitting blogging is the rough equivalent of Cher's "Farewell" Tour. It's always there, but I'm not exactly sure if I'm ready to give it up yet.

Handouts...

What Who the hell does a girl have to do to get an advance copy of the Anonymous Lawyer book? Seriously, Blondie, E-Spat, and L & A got one, and none of them have firm jobs, I'd be much better suited to judge it. Plus, unlike one of you, I'm looking at you E-Spat, I have read the entire blog.

Plus, I'd like to be able to do a little free summer reading, books don't grow on trees people.

2 Weeks, 2 Days...

Same difference.

Today an Associate commented about how it would be great if there was a journal of all of [ASSociate's] asshatery...If he only knew.

Sadly for [ASSociate], the stuff written here isn't even 1/3rd of it. [ASSociate] is still around the office asking questions/making statements such as:

1. "Have you seen those records for [case name]?" "No, did you check [where we keep the records]?" "Ohh, no." "Yeah I usually start there."
2. "My friend gives me the simplest instructions when he goes out of town on how to feed his fish and I always kill off them the first feeding."
3. "I wished I'd had some popcorn at that dep, I just sat there."
4. "Why does everyone in this firm think I'm shady?"

He's also been being really nice, I hate to say it, but outside of not having to fix all his damn work I might actually miss him. Ok, that's a lie, but I thought it would be fitting since he's a pathological liar.

In other news:

Still thinking things over. Still super busy. I started back to work on the 15th and I'm on pace to bill about 120 hours this month. Plus, I spent the week reviewing deps in preparation of drafting our crossexam outline tomorrow, while it was tedious as hell I'm really excited [Hours] gave me that much responsibility (read: he was out of town this week and didn't want to lug them around/didn't have time to do it).