Translation

Client #1: I have a question about the Interrogatories. [I am needy.]

Me: Ok. [Big Surprise.]

Client #1: Do you think we can meet to go over them. [I am ultra needy.]

Me: Yeah. Finish the ones you can and then call to schedule an appointment. [I don't want to deal with you right now, but you'd called 5 times in less than 4 hours and I figured my support staff would kill me if I didn't call you back you needy jerk-off.]

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Client #2: I am not going to agree with the settlement. [I am crazy.]

Me: I don't really know what the settlement is, I haven't had a chance to talk to the other attorney about it. [I really don't care.]

Client #2: I think I should have gotten (lists unreasonable demands). [I am really crazy.]

Me: Well, like I said, another attorney handled it, I don't even know if it was placed on the record - in which case you'd be bound by it. [I really don't care.]

Client #2: Can you look into it? [I don't trust anyone but you since you are nice enough to listen to my batshit crazy rantings all the time and the other attorney isn't.]

Me: Yes, I will. But I am going to be honest with you, prepping for 3 trials that are all set for next week, I probably won't do it right away. [You need to step off and relax. I really don't care about your issues right now, but eventually I will have to pay some attention to some of them - the fact that you're crazy is not an issue I am going to deal with, until that day comes, I am a little busy.]

Ike Turner

So, since I disappeared off the face of the earth I've dated two guys. I'll start with the second.

We dated for about two months. During those two months I started to progressively notice warning signs which told me it probably wasn't going to last. Everything was always my fault. I was the one who never compromised.¹ I never wanted to spend time with his friends. I didn't want to introduce him to my friends, and then when I made plans to do just that he didn't feel up to it (which probably had a lot to do with the flat screen TV arriving that day). Not to mention during one fight he flipped out and started throwing things and grabbed Theodore's leash from my hand. Seriously. Not. Cool. I abruptly left, and by that time I was rather sure things were not going to work out with Ike Turner and myself.

So, the day after Christmas we were exchanging gifts. I had knitted him a hat and scarf (which he'd commented that he wanted) and I'd gotten him something I'd heard him comment he'd wanted. Between the very nice yarn I used ($50.00 in yarn) and the other item I spent about $150.00, plus my time. He got me a Starbucks gift set (since I like coffee), a $50.00 visa gift card (just leave the cash on the nightstand next time) and a poem he'd written and signed "love." We hadn't used the "L" word yet, and being that I was pretty certain things weren't going anywhere, I wasn't even considering saying it. Now, anyone who has had this word said to them and not returned it knows the word has a self life of an expired dairy product. We ordered dinner that night and he commented how he was going to get a movie, I replied "there are so many here, why don't we just pick one together." But, no. He had his mind made up. He got some shitty movie I had no desire to watch. So I went about my knitting and just ignored it. That was not good enough. It just further proved that I am not interested in what he is and I cannot be bothered to fain interest. Nevermind that I compromised by shutting up and watching his crappy movie.

Anyway, a huge fight ensued. There was crying (on his behalf)². There was screaming (on his behalf). I just largely ignored it, told him to drop it since he'd been drinking. But he wouldn't. He kept pushing the issue that I don't care about what he cares about. So while I had decided not to mention the shitty gift he got me much earlier, I could not contain it any longer. I politely pointed out how much thought I'd put into his gift and that he couldn't even manage to get a gift card for a specific store. He never asked what I wanted or where I shopped. There was more crying (on his behalf). I decided it was over and packed my things to leave. More screaming ensued. All childish and insulting in nature, my favorite being that I'd never be happy and that I'm a miserable person.

The irony, ever since I dumped him I've been so happy just to be out of a totally dysfunctional and messed up relationship I've been practically glowing.

¹This one really pissed me off. Just because I don't make a big fuss about something does not mean I didn't compromise. A lot of my compromises are silent.
²Seriously.

My New Hobby...

Of course, after I promised to be more diligent, a mess of unforeseen circumstances occurred and have left me exhausted.

In order to make good on at least one promise in my post, my newest hobby is knitting. I took it up about 2 months ago and I'm already pretty good. Being that it is an overtly feminine pastime I'm rather surprised that I am even doing it, let alone decent at it. Behold:

The Braided Scarf I knitted for myself.

CABLING! I am so awesome, I know.

The Basketweave Scarf I knitted for a friend.

The details of this scarf did not photograph well, plus it was gigantic at over 80'' long and over 10'' wide.¹ But that was how he wanted it.

Impressive, I know. I'm sure my male reader(s) are bursting with fruit flavor. I've finished other stuff too, but I don't have pictures.

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¹That's what she said.

Mea Culpa

I suck. I know. I doubt anyone checks here anymore, but maybe a few bloglines readers haven't taken me off their feeds. I'm getting the itch to write again. I'd like to "promise" that I'll be better, I'll show up when I promise, I won't keep you waiting for hours days months on end. But making that promise would be about as meaningless as when I told my newly ex-boyfriend that I'd make an effort to let my guard down. If you take me back I promise to update you on the following:

1. What is going on with my life-work, personal, family and other;
2. How cute Theodore is these days;
3. Tell you what my latest hobby is; and
4. Share at least one Crackhead Uncle story.

I figure bribery is always the best option. If you won't do it for me, do it for Theodore. He lacks the dexterity and opposable thumbs to have neglected you so long. And if you won't do it for Theodore, do it for the Crackhead Uncle story, you know it'll be good.

Question.

Is there anything better than going out with 3 guy friends, one of which you used to date, and catching them talking about how good you look and how good your hair looks when you go to the bathroom?

No. I didn't think so.

The New Classics

Seen at The Neutral Zone Trap - The "new classics" from the last 25 years. According to Entertainment Weekly, and who I am to argue with Entertainment Weekly. Plus it kinda goes along with the fact that I just turned 25.

Movies I've seen in bold. Commentary when applicable.

1. Pulp Fiction (1994)
2. The Lord of the Rings trilogy (2001-03) - I refuse to watch movies about hobbits. And shouldn't this be 3 separate entries?
3. Titanic (1997)
4. Blue Velvet (1986) - I keep saying I'm going to watch it, maybe this will inspire me.
5. Toy Story (1995)
6. Saving Private Ryan (1998)
7. Hannah and Her Sisters (1986)
8. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
9. Die Hard (1988)
10. Moulin Rouge (2001)
11. This Is Spinal Tap (1984) - Never had any interest.
12. The Matrix (1999)
13. GoodFellas (1990)
14. Crumb (1995)
15. Edward Scissorhands (1990)
16. Boogie Nights (1997)
17. Jerry Maguire (1996)
18. Do the Right Thing (1989)
19. Casino Royale (2006) - I have never watched a Bond movie and do not plan on starting now.
20. The Lion King (1994)
21. Schindler's List (1993)
22. Rushmore (1998)
23. Memento (2001)
24. A Room With a View (1986)
25. Shrek (2001)
26. Hoop Dreams (1994)
27. Aliens (1986)
28. Wings of Desire (1988) - I have honestly never heard of this movie.
29. The Bourne Supremacy (2004) - meh.
30. When Harry Met Sally... (1989)
31. Brokeback Mountain (2005)
32. Fight Club (1999)
33. The Breakfast Club (1985)
34. Fargo (1996)
35. The Incredibles (2004)
36. Spider-Man 2 (2004) - I have an intense irrational hatred for Kristen Dunst most likely related to her bad teeth and ridiculous clothing and can only stand movies where she dies, someone is trying to kill her, or she plays a cheerleader and I love it because it's a guilty pleasure (See: Virgin Suicides, Drop Dead Gorgeous, and Bring It On).
37. Pretty Woman (1990)
38. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) - Yes, I realize Kristen Dunst is in this movie, but it's easy to hate her character so it was ok. And she wasn't a lead.
39. The Sixth Sense (1999)
40. Speed (1994)
41. Dazed and Confused (1993)
42. Clueless (1995)
43. Gladiator (2000)
44. The Player (1992)
45. Rain Man (1988)
46. Children of Men (2006)
47. Men in Black (1997)
48. Scarface (1983)
49. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000) - Some of my friends in high school saw this like 5 times at the theatre. I was always "busy".
50. The Piano (1993)
51. There Will Be Blood (2007)
52. The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad (1988)
53. The Truman Show (1998)
54. Fatal Attraction (1987) - Saw it when I was about 5 or 6. I'm sure that has nothing to do with all my trust issues.
55. Risky Business (1983)
56. The Lives of Others (2006)
57. There’s Something About Mary (1998)
58. Ghostbusters (1984)
59. L.A. Confidential (1997)
60. Scream (1996)
61. Beverly Hills Cop (1984)
62. sex, lies and videotape (1989)
63. Big (1988)
64. No Country For Old Men (2007)
65. Dirty Dancing (1987)
66. Natural Born Killers (1994)
67. Donnie Brasco (1997)
68. Witness (1985)
69. All About My Mother (1999)
70. Broadcast News (1987)
71. Unforgiven (1992)
72. Thelma & Louise (1991)
73. Office Space (1999)
74. Drugstore Cowboy (1989) - I really liked this one and doubt many people have seen it.
75. Out of Africa (1985)
76. The Departed (2006) - WHY IS THIS SO LOW ON THE LIST?
77. Sid and Nancy (1986)
78. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)
79. Waiting for Guffman (1996)
80. Michael Clayton (2007) - MMMMM. CLOONEY!.
81. Moonstruck (1987) - CHER!
82. Lost in Translation (2003)
83. Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn (1987)
84. Sideways (2004)
85. The 40 Year-Old Virgin (2005)
86. Y Tu Mamá También (2002)
87. Swingers (1996)
88. Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)
89. Breaking the Waves (1996)
90. Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
91. Back to the Future (1985)
92. Menace II Society (1993)
93. Ed Wood (1994)
94. Full Metal Jacket (1987)
95. In the Mood for Love (2001)
96. Far From Heaven (2002) - Seriously?
97. Glory (1989)
98. The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999)
99. The Blair Witch Project (1999)
100. South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut (1999)

When I read the list I figured I'd watched 75% of them. Turns out I haven't seen 25, 27 if you count the LOTR Trilogy as 3 separate movies. There are a few movies that I just cannot believe are not on here, when movies like Far From Heaven made the list (seriously?). Such as: The Big Lebowski, Blow, Donnie Darko, Forrest Gump, Kill Bill Vol. I and II, Magnolia, Mulholland Drive, Requiem for a Dream, Traffic, Trainspotting.

Fancy

I got a Blackberry. So amazing. I had internet on my Q while I studied for the bar, but I shut it off once I was home (unemployed) all the time. I forgot how addicting it is.

The Hearing is almost over. Hopefully it ends well.

Tired.

I'm in the midst of an evidentiary hearing (unsupervised) right now.

I cannot really say things are going great.

Theodore's Pool Day.

In the yard telling me how I need to fill the pool.

Filling the Pool.

Trying to get his Toys.

Testing the waters.

Finally in the Pool.

Thinking his Goldfish is coming after him because of the currents from the hose.

Doggie Treats

In honor of Take Your Dog to Work Day, which Theodore will be attending, I thought I'd share my dog treat recipes. This way you know exactly what is in the treats and they are low in preservatives and fillers.

Peanut Butter Treats:
3 Cups of Whole Wheat Flour
1 1/4 Tablespoon Baking Powder
1 1/4 Cup Peanut Butter
1 Cup (Soy) Milk

Combine dry ingredients. Combine peanut butter and milk until smooth. Gradually stir peanut butter mixture into flour mixture. Knead dough by hand and then roll out on a floured surface (I use whole wheat flour) to desired thickness and cut out treats. (I have an adorable bone-shaped cookie cutter about 1'' long). Bake on a cookie sheet for 15-20 minutes at 400 degrees and allow to cool before serving.

Cheesy Treats
4 Cups Whole Wheat Flour
3/4 Cups Vegetable Oil
3 teaspoons Garlic Powder
2 Eggs
1 1/4 Cups Shredded Cheese
1 1/4 Cups (Soy) Milk

Combine flour and garlic powder, gradually add vegetable oil, eggs, cheese and milk. Knead dough by hand and then roll out on a floured surface (I use whole wheat flour) to desired thickness and cut out treats. Bake on a cookie sheet for 15-20 minutes at 400 degrees and allow to cool before serving.

Petri Dish

Being the tremendous germophobe that I am, I find these really creepy and I cannot see a practical use for them outside of prop for a weirdo biology teacher or uber nerdy child. I had a math teacher in high school who celebrated Pi Day with her husband (a mathematician), I could easily see her science teacher doppelganger exchanging these for monumental occasions likes the start of cold and flu season.

However, I am tempted to get Theodore the Giardia one so that he can toss it around and kick its ass.

"I remember when we were driving, driving in your car."

Weird things that have happened in the last 2 weeks involving my car:

1. I bought a new one. I got rid of my 4-Wheel Drive SUV and got something more environmentally friendly. And it's Inferno Red which is fun. And it has a built in cooler that is chilled by the air conditioning. I have no idea when I'll ever use this, but don't act like you're not impressed.
2. Today on my way home I changed lanes (which I had plenty of room to do), but apparently it pissed the lady behind me off, in fairness I am not altogether sure if I signaled, but whatever. She just laid on the horn, I seriously thought it was broken like in Little Miss Sunshine. After about a minute I lost my patience and flipped her off through my handy-dandy moon-roof. She sped up next to me, flipped me off, and then got back behind me. Then the car in front of me slammed on the breaks, so I had to, which made her think I was brake checking her. So then the honking started again. Then a car actually cut me off, so I had to hit the brakes again making her think I again brake checked her. So the honking resumed. Then she sped up, got right next to me, flipped me off almost side swiped me, and then cut me off. At that point I decided it was time to just get away from her anyway possible, so I went to the mall and spent money.
3. The other day I was driving to work and I looked in my rearview-mirror as all responsible drivers do. I saw this chick (seated in the passenger seat) all over the guy driving. Kissing his neck, his ears, rubbing his chest, you get the picture. I'm a bit put off that people have energy for that so early in the morning. And a bit jealous. Then all of a sudden she disappears. I start laughing hysterically. Then I realize I don't want the guy getting road head during rushhour driving behind my new car so I move over a lane, only for her to pop back up less than a mile down the road. Seriously, who does that at 8:10 in the morning?
   

Say what you will about my absence, but at least when I return I bring stories about road rage and road head with me.

Testing...Testing...1, 2, 3.

Is anyone still there?

I have been feeling the itch to blog lately. Will you take me back? I promise not to desert you for a month and a half ever again if you forgive me baby.

Go Long.

This is the most awesome thing ever.

This is the second most awesome thing ever.

The least awesome thing ever is that Theodore is sick, which semi accounts for my lack of posting. But it's more that I've been semi-checked out for awhile. The only reason I stopped Friday Dog Blogging was that my camera batter was dead. For over 2 months. And I kept forgetting to charge it. This weekend I finally managed to, so maybe I'll get back on top of that.