Phrase I've Heard Too Many Times in the Last 2 Days...

"If the government can't get it in through the front we're not going to let them jam it in through the rear."

Thanks for that mental image evidence.

Retracted...

Previously I admitted my helplessness to gigantic sunglasses, being that it's all you can find these days thanks to a certain Starlette and some of her friends. However, After seeing this picture...

It's on Nicole, this has just gotten ridiculous, at least the pairs you used to wear were semi-cute in a "they cover 1/2 your face" sort of way. You have left me with 2 options:

1. Becoming an eyewear designer.
2. Finally getting those damn prescription sunglasses, since I'm hoping you can still get those in normal sizes.

Between these sunglasses, skinny jeans, leggings, formal shorts, and pants under dresses I'm convinced the world is going insane. Whatever, back to evidence.

Like a Duck To Water

The other day before our Crim Pro exam The Dude and I were outside chain smoking, when a young guy (he was about my age) approached us, and engaged in conversation regarding attending law school. Currently he was working in computers making 80K a year (allegedly, I'll believe it when I see a paystub) and was unhappy with his work, since he "hates" computers (which if you'd seen this kid, you would also have trouble believing).

He planned to take the LSAT in June and apply for the 2007 school year. Being the socially conscious people that we are The Dude and I did what we knew was right in our hearts, do everything in our power to keep this kid from going to law school.

We described the work, the people, Socratic method, the pay right out of school not even being what he's making now unless you're top 10%, the job dissatisfaction, the hours, everything.

I knew he was perfect for law school when he not only had an answer for every point we made, usually involving how he was "extremely analytical" and how he "knew he'd be good at it." In short I realized he was a weird hybrid of an arguer, a braggart, and a future gunner. After as much as I've dealt with those types I knew there would be no possible way to stop him.

It's really too bad he isn't starting until after I graduate, because there is nothing like politely telling someone like that "I told you so."

Double Standard

There is a partner at my firm. She's obviously an educated, successful, and meticulous woman (if you move nick-nacks in her office she notices and moves them back). She's middle aged and has never been married. In other words, the stereotypical female partner. She's tall, very pretty (in her youth she would have been stunning), and very clearly has either an eating disorder or a thyroid problem.

Her clothes hang off her frame as she slouches in a posture I once thought was reserved for concentration camp survivors, as if the weight of her shoulders and frail arms is too much for her back to bear as it caves in on itself. I'm told her weight loss is a sudden occurance, and I see her eating regularly so I assume her problem is thyroad related. Although in that case I find it even more shocking that she hasn't gotten help since she should know all the signs, being that she used to be a nurse.

As a result of either her general temperment or possible mood swings related to hypothetical thyroad problem she has been known to yell on occasion. Nothing worse then what [Hours] or any other partner does, yet when she does it, unsurprisingly it's viewed in a different manner. Nothing is ever said pretaining to how it might be a result of either a thyroid problem or the general unhappiness that could have led her to an eating disorder. Comments are made regarding her being unhappy has a result of never having been married, about having nothing besides her work; once again, the stereotypical remarks made about female partners. When male partners yell nobody ever says; he must have gotten into a fight with his wife, he has a horrible family situation-he and his wife don't get along and he spends all his time at the office, his wife found out about his mistress this weekend.

We all know why it happens, women are not deamed "successful" unless they have a family, who look perfect in photographs on their desk. Nevermind that it's been months since they had a family dinner, the children are "experimenting" with drugs and coming home in a stupor every weekend, and it's been months since she's had sex with her husband. If that's happiness and success, I'll take being single at 40 and having a dog any day.

50/50

Exams are shaping up as such:

1. Conflicts
2. Criminal Procedure II
3. Evidence
4. Professional Responsibility

In other words:

Pro: Professional Responsibility should be no problem even though I haven't thought of studying, because I'm so ethical. Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.

Con: Professional Responsibility is only 2 credits, Evidence is 4 and sooner, and I haven't started studying for that either...Noon today is my deadline to begin, I'll be back with an update.

Cry Baby

I watch 2-3 shows a week. The Housewhores (if I have time), Grey's Anatomy and What About Brian (seriously, I know that one is lame, but I can't help it). My favorite by far is Grey's, I seem to cry everytime I watch it, which is really ruining my whole belief that I'm a callous bad ass.

On a related note, Chris O'Donnell is so effing hot. We have the same birthday. Don't act like you're not impressed.

Dear Nicole Richie,

I give up. You win.

Hugs and Kisses,
Elle Woods

P.S.-Please take this concession into consideration when you choose your sunglasses for next summer so that maybe next year I can buy sunglasses that don't cover 1/2 my face.

Prep For a Wake

Elle Woods: Gram, are you wearing jeans or slacks to this?

Gram: I can't decide.

Elle Woods: Me either.

Gram: I want to wear my white shoes but they'll look weird with jeans, don't you?

Elle Woods: No, I think that's cute.

Gram: Ok then I'll wear my boot cut jeans, new white shoes, a white shirt and my coral blazer.

Elle Woods: Ok well if you're wearing jeans so will I...With my new white shoes, a white shirt and a pink blazer.

Grandpa: I think I'll wear a dress.

"Occasionally you may get snagged by one of these customer people."

I should have known the simple solution is never simple when it involved Kinko's. Of course the girl acted like doing her job and cutting the damn binding off my book was the equivalent of me asking her to be a surrogate mother. Sorry, next time I'll just put it in a vice clamp and use my machete.

So, in honor of Kinko's Excellent Customer Service I leave you with this oldie but goodie...

I am a person with feelings and all I have to do is what I want to do...

and what I wanted to do when I got home this morning was watch the 2nd disk from the first season of Entourage which arrived yesterday and slack being that my next exam isn't until Wednesday. While I don't want to speak ill of my beloved Netflix, when I opened the envelope today and went to put it in the DVD player it was cracked. The earliest I'll get my replacement is Tuesday...Boo!

I got this letter from Netflix:

Dear [Elle],

We're sorry to hear that Entourage: Season 1: Disc 2 was unplayable. We go to great lengths to ensure the movies you get will play without any problems but occasionally a few get through our inspections, or are damaged in transit.

Please return the unplayable disc and if you've requested a replacement, we will ship it out as soon as possible. We apologize for the inconvenience.

-The Netflix Team

My Thoughts:

Dear Netflix,

A wise judge once said: "Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining." If you really cared you'd send me my new DVD today so I get it tomorrow. Instead your trust issues are forcing me to send it back and have the new one sent out Monday or Tuesday, why can't you just believe me when I say it arrived broken?

You're so sensitive and caring with all your recommendations making sure I'm satisified and fulfilled, but we need to work on you trusting me more. I still love you, but you took a little piece of my heart today.

Hugs and Kisses,
Elle Woods

Crim Pro 2 Exam Excerpts

1. "After the performance of the 'rape kit', as it is referred to on Law and Order SVU,..."
2. "While Television Prosecutor's such as Law and Order's Jack McCoy have been known to walk the line of Prosecutorial Misconduct there is a vast difference in the actions taken by this Prosecutor and zealous representation of victims rights."

I knew I could work a Law and Order reference Law and Order at least once. Let's hope my professor doesn't get pissed.

Problem:

My BarBri Upper Lever Review book has 6 outlines in it, and I just want to take 1 into my exam.

Solution: Have Kinko's cut the binding off, staple pages as needed.

You know, a girl in my sorority, Tracy Marcinco got a perm once. We all tried to talk her out of it. Curls weren't a good look for her.

I probably straighten my hair 340 days a year. Those other 25 days (26 in a leap year) are so annoying I'm reminded why I spend the extra 20 minutes straightening my hair the other 340 days...Wow, that's 113 hours or almost 5 days a year that are spent straightening my hair...Wow.

The other ripple is the probably 20 of the 25 days a year are during finals, and it is done in an effort to pretend like I'll take the extra time to study. Sadly, I don't get to make use of that time since at least 10 people come and bother me while I'm studying and engage me in a conversation that begins like this:

Random Person I Rarely Associate With: Wow, did you get a perm?

Elle Woods: Nope.

RPIRAW: Did you curl it?

Elle Woods: Nope. It's naturally like this.

RPIRAW: I had no idea.

Elle Woods: (Thinking- Funny I wear it like this every year during finals) Ohh, well I only wear it like this during finals so most people don't remember, but then mention it every term.

RPIRAW: Ohh, did I comment on this before.

Elle Woods: Yup.

(Mindless conversation continues as I wish I'd put on my iPod as soon as I got into the bulding).

The time wasted on these conversations clearly justifies the time I spend straightening my hair. And yes, I have realized that if I straightened it less people might remember better and I would save time with the hair and the conversations. Whatever, everyone stopped reading about my hair ages ago so I shall stop.

I just saw a fact on my ABC News Podcast. Americans 18-24 were asked to locate things on a map.

• 33% couldn't locate Louisiana. (On a map of the Unites States).
  
• 63% couldn't locate Iraq. (On a map of the Middle East).
  
• 47% couldn't locate India. (On a map of Asia).

I might spend excessive amount of time on my hair, but I can locate all of those. Facts like these make me wonder if there should be IQ Tests for voting despite the "democratic" "values" our society holds so dear.

I forgot to mention...

Just in case there were any readers out there who didn't completely hate me yet I have to mention this. As I have been prone to ever since the mono I get tired at random times. Today, it was during the exam. So I took a 15 minute nap and still finished with plenty of time to spare. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how it's done.

Too close for missles, I'm switching to guns.

Despite the fact that I have an exam tomorrow as I said earlier I'm not particularly worried about it. As such there is no way I'm going to make myself study tonight, particularly given the marathon study session on Monday. [By the one, I know that nobody cares but I got out of doing the old exam by alerting the study partner to the fact that the professor doesn't give less then a C which puts us safely in B range no matter what we do...And really, getting an A (being that only 15% get A's in this class) would just be cruel to all the law review students who actually care.]

Being that I refuse to study I'm doing what any rational law student does. Watching Top Gun.

My Favorite Lines...

• She's lost that loving feeling...No she hasn't...Yes she has...I hate it when she does that.
• The list is long, but distinguished...Yeah well, so is my Johnson.
  
• Communicating. Keeping up foriegn relations. You know, giving him the bird!...You know, the finger.
• Sorry Goose, but it's time to buzz the tower.
  
• Take me to bed or loose me forever.
• You can be my wingman anytime...Bullshit! You can be mine.

Makes me long for the days when Tom Cruise wasn't a placenta eating freak.

Dear Conflicts Professor,

You might be a scholar when it comes to Civil Procedure and Conflicts of Laws, but judging by your exam question, I know way more then you about Michigan Malpractice Law. That made my day.

Hugs and Kisses,
Elle Woods

Rough Estimation of My Day...

10:45 a.m.-Head to Kinko's to make copies of BarBri Outline. Proceed to break 3 copiers at Kinko's.

10:59 a.m.-Uggg, why does your mouth taste gross, almost like you forgot to brush your teeth? Ohh, because you forgot to brush your teeth.

11:01 a.m.-Emergency stop at drug store to purchase toothbrush, toothpaste, mouthwash, and a bottle of water.

11:05 a.m.-Back to the car, realize you had a toothbrush already, ohh well. Ponder why you had a toothbrush but no tooth paste. Brush teeth in drug store parking lot. Secretly happy that I now have a toothbrush, toothpaste, mouthwash, and floss in my car.

11:25 a.m.-Lunch at Baja Fresh...Yummy, and it was early enough that there wasn't a line.

11:45 a.m.-Depart for school. What is that dinging noise...Low Fuel, super.

11:55 a.m.-Refueling.

12:15 p.m.-Arrive at school.

12:20 p.m.-Realize every public printer in the law school is broken and you have statutes you NEED to print. Go see Professor to see if they're included in the 45 page appendix. Nope, all the statutes except the 2 sets you need are included. Perfect.

12:35 p.m.-Sweet talk the librarian into printing the statutes. Sweet, now I can B.S. Around until the exam starts.

1:30-3:45 p.m.-Conflicts exam.

4:00 p.m.-Go research the lowest grades your professors give. Realize studying for any other exams is pointless.

4:20 p.m.-Jeep Grand Cherokee swerves into your lane and almost forces me to hit the 6' high concrete median. Luckily I use my cat like reflexes and avoid any sort of collision. She appears clueless to the fact that she always killed me.

5:05 p.m-Car Wash.

5:20 p.m-Realize the paved road to home is backed up about a mile, take the "secret spy route" which involves a dirt road, it rained yesterday, so much for the car wash.

5:45 p.m.-Begin slacking.

I Can't Feel My Face!

It started yesterday during the day with a slight tingling feeling at the end of my right ring finger. I pressed along with the Conflicts studying despite health concerns. Now my right ring and pinky finger are completely numb. My school doesn't allow for using a computer to take an exam so I'm not TOO worried, since those 2 fingers aren't really involved in writing and generally after filling one blue book my entire hand is numb anyway.

This should be fun. If I thought it would help I'd see if it'll qualify me for extra time but seeing that I'm usually among the first people finished I think I'll still be ok.

Here's How Much I Hate Conflicts...

I would gladly take a C just so I didn't have to study today and take the exam tomorrow. Just to show how bad it is, here is a sample from the instructions:

The exam consists of 3 sets of papers: this question booklet (7 pages), Appendix A (5 pages), and Appendix B (45 pages).

57 Pages, but we're writing answers in bluebooks, I'm terrified.

Double Jeopardy

Study Session boy kidnapped me and forced me to study from 10:30 a.m. until 7:15 p.m. (with a dinner break at Chockie's TGI Fridays). He wants to get together again Wednesday after my exam in order to go over old exams.

At first I thought this has to be some sort of violation of Double Jeopardy, but then I realized we'd only litigated the outline he gave me on the merits and not the old exam so I think I can be forced into another study session, even though I've already spent 3 times longer then I wanted to studying for this exam.

I've also been pondering if my acceptance of his outline constituted an implied promise to study. Specific performance can't be granted so what would his remedy be, it seems harmless to not get to study with someone who is completely unprepared so I don't think any damages could apply. Maybe the court would put us in the situation had the contract not been made, but then I have to give the outline back, which would suck.

Clearly, I suck at contracts and there isn't a way I can get out of this 2nd study session without looking like a jerk, especially since he made me promise we would go over old exams as a condition of my release today. Then again, it could be argued that promise was obtained under duress. 9 Hours of studying, I think it's safe to say anyone would reasonable believe they were in duress and had no other choice.