"We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war...Our Great Depression is our lives."

Depression seems to be taking a firm hold on me again. I have no money to refill my medication, not that I'd take it if I did. Not having money just makes me more depressed. I am beginning to think this will never end. For short periods of time I'll feel ok and can function somewhat, but then whatever was cheering me up just won't be enough to sustain it for a long period of time and I'll just go back to my depression.

I just don't have the energy to create an actual post so here is my 1/2 assed attempt. My post-exam upbeat stint appears to be coming to an end. I've been reading Prozac Nation (again) by Elizabeth Wurtzel and it's resonating a little too much. Getting out of bed has become a challenge, not to mention doing anything at all after work. I've decided to post some of my favorite quotes from Prozac Nation to complete this 1/2 assed attempt and to possibly shed some light on my mood.

How I'm feeling...

"I start to think there really is no cure for depression, that happiness is an ongoing battle, and I wonder if it isn't one I'll have to fight got as long as I live. I wonder if it's worth it. I start to feel like I can't maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong...I don't know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don't know the answer, I know only that I can't. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff...I've had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted."

One of the few things that makes me feel at all better...

"Back to listening to Bob Dylan, back to hearing that cranky, desperate voice sing the most heartbreaking lines I'd ever heard...I just find new elements of tragedy to focus on, new reasons to be empathetic. This is especially true of every Bob Dylan song that has ever touched me. There are people who hate his voice, who think he's too nasal and can't sing...but they won't understand that for real Dylan fans, the sound of his ragged, edgy vocal cords is the sound of redemption."

The one I fear is true...

"In a strange way, I had fallen in love with my depression...I loved it because I thought it was all I had. I thought depression was the part of my character that made me worthwhile. I thought so little of myself, felt that I had such scant offerings to give to the world, that the one thing that justified my existence at all was my agony."

Which reminds me of Julia Roberts in Closer (which I have been told by someone I remind them of)...

"Everybody wants to be happy."
"Depressives don't. They want to be unhappy to confirm they're depressed. If they were happy they couldn't be depressed anymore. They'd have to go out into the world and live. Which can be depressing."