Awkward.

I do not think I ever posted about it, but when I wrote about getting this interview I never mentioned how badly things went. The guy literally leaned back in his chair ignoring me while he asked questions, lectured me about what I was doing with my life, and even went so far as to say I should be "offering to run errands for attorney's and pick up their dry cleaning so they'd let me look at their files"...Like I never saw a file when I clerked.

I only bring it up now, since I ran into him at Court today. We didn't actually speak, but it was the most awkward 5 second eye lock I've ever experienced.

Semi Exciting News

After 20 resumes and cover letters sent out in the last week I managed to get an interview.

Someone said to me today that they thought it would be "easier" to get a job here than in a place with more law schools (and more competition) like New York City. When put that way I suppose that statement makes sense.

But when you consider there were over 1000 lawyers just flooded into what is arguably the worst economy in the nation, and then throw in Tort Reform (which in all other states that have passed it has been declared unconstitutional since it makes plaintiff's access to courts nearly impossible), No-Fault Insurance, and a Supreme Court that is in the pockets of insurance companies so they feel it's their job to limits plaintiff's access to courts; it makes finding a job of any kind very difficult.

The simple reality is there are just not enough jobs here. While in areas like New York City, from what I gather, it's more "the pay isn't high enough."

Sigh.

My first full day as an attorney and so far I've:

1. Been rejected for a job I applied to this morning.
2. Been told I applied in the wrong format (for a different job), but I cannot figure the correct format out (and the website listed the format I applied in as correct).
3. Been cancelled on for a date this weekend by the guy I've been dating since May.
4. Decided I need to dump said guy.

I just know this is going to be an awful weekend.

Neurotic Tendencies.

Blogger lost my last post. Ohh well. The main point was, Wayne State sucks. A lot of the students suck because of their sense of entitlement, the entire administration sucks (for various reasons); and the things they are doing are not helping to return them to the 3rd tier. How they went from high 3rd tier to 4th tier in 3 years really blows my mind.

I may have just bookmarked the State Bar Website so I can start neurotically checking it on Fridays. Results aren't supposed to be out until November 23rd. I don't see how that could be a bad idea.

Triumph!

Generally the only thing that happens to me due to my mother working in a dentist's office is occasional scolding due to poor flossing habits (which I happily report, I am still flossing, after a brief cessation in July around the time of the Bar). However, two days ago was different.

My mom came home from work asking if I would ship the electric toothbrush she got for free from the Crest/Oral-B Rep to my little brother. She doubted I wanted it since I've always been a manual brusher. I looked at her as if she was crazy, told her I wanted it, opened the box and began charging my new toy.

Before this I never thought my teeth got as clean with an electric toothbrush as when I brushed them, however, as soon as I brushed with it I knew I was in love. Before using it I would have never spent $135 on a toothbrush, now I understand. It has 2 modes for Brushing, Clean and Soft (for sensitive teeth); a Massage mode for the gums, a Polish mode (which I have yet to try, but am very excited about) and a few other very handy features. My teeth feel like I just left the dentist, and they stay that way all day. Plus I've already noticed my teeth are whiter.

Sadly, all this was probably the highlight of my week, not finally getting a cover letter written and sending out a few resumes.

A.D.D. is in Full Effect.

Kinda annoyed Florida got their Bar results today. We've got over 2 months based on what we were told exam day. Fun.

After much internal debate (because what else do I do these days) and even more procrastination at sending in the first RSVP (it was still on time) I decided not to invite the new guy to the first wedding of the fall. It just felt wrong to expose him to law students so soon. Plus the RSVPs for the other weddings are due after that wedding so I figure when he asks what I am doing that weekend and I tell him going to a wedding (alone) he might kinda get the clue and say something like "ohh I would have gone with you"...or he might be weirded out I didn't ask him. Whatever. Not like I'm over thinking this whole scenario. But that's kinda what I do, particularly now that I do nothing besides hang out, play with the dog, walk/bike with the dog, watch TV and cook.

Speaking of, it's kinda weird that my new favorite shows that I'd never watched before (in order) are:

1. Dog the Bounty Hunter
2. Almost anything on Food Network (except Rachel Ray and Alton Brown)
3. Dog Whisperer
4. Rock of Love
5. Clean House
6. Kimora: Life in the Fab Lane

Thank god for cable. Without having discovered Dog the Bounty Hunter I do not know what I would do with the Fall. It's the perfect blend of Mullets, Jesus Freaks, Tweakers, Hawaii, White Trash and Hunting People to keep me entertained. The Food TV feeds my new found love for cooking. Dog Whisperer is obvious. Rock of Love also fulfills my love of watching white trash on television. Clean House makes me feel really good about my organizational skills. Kimora makes me feel like I'm not a high maintenance diva.

I realize this post is a bit A.D.D., even for me. I wish I could explain. But I cannot.

Recent Reader E-Mail:

I just found your blog...and it is making me think about the nagging feeling I have had in my gut for the past year. I am about to start my 2L year - and I hate law school and I am not excited about being an attorney. I worry that these years thinking all I wanted was to go to law school and be a lawyer were wrong and have only conspired to make me feel like I can't back out. Besides, I have all my 1L debt, a bunch of private school undergrad debt, and NO IDEA what I would do if I didn't do these next two years and finish what I started.

Do you really feel like law school has been the biggest mistake? If so, why? If you were about to be a 2L and only 1/3 of the way through would you still keep going? What kind of a job to do you think you will end up with - and more importantly, was it what you wanted in the first place?

Sorry for all the questions...I am just having angst while I get my OCI shit together for the fall and think about the fact that I just have a gut feeling this is wrong. Any advice, etc would be most appreciated.

My Response:

Honestly, I don't think it was the biggest mistake of my life, I know it was. Unless you are in the top 10% of your class what you do not realize is that you will most likely end up taking a job for around 50K a year. I could have probably found something out of college for 40-45K and I wouldn't have almost $1000 a month student loan payments.

I have no idea what type of job I will find and I honestly am concerned that my car will be repossessed before November when I have any chance of finding a job, according to my career services office, since nobody is going to hire me before I get my bar results (and even then only if they are positive).

If I had to to do over again, I would have dropped out of school after 1L. I actually didn't want to go to law school and went through a big depression before I started since deep down I knew it was wrong for me, but I felt pressured by family (and I had thought it was what I wanted to do since high school so it was hard to let it go).

I convinced a friend of mine to drop out after first semester 1L who was similar to us in that she always thought she wanted to go but when she did, she hated it (and while she is a very smart girl she did terribly). She dropped out, found a job, and is extremely happy, and every time I talk to her she is reassured in her decision. Similarly, I had a friend at my school who was MISERABLE, hated every minute of school and finally after 2L (when he was only a 1.5L due to dropping so many classes or getting kicked out for non-attendance) he dropped out. He is now working as a mortgage banker, making 70K a year and loving his life. There is life after law school, it's just a matter of figuring it out.

I know the feeling of being scared to drop out since you already have so much debt that you don't know how you would pay it. Trust me, all that will happen is that it will triple, you will still be making about the same amount, and you will be working insane hours and hating what you do.

I am certainly only one person, but if I had to do over, there is no doubt in my mind I'd have dropped out.

Anyone else have anything to contribute? Anyone else still reading?

"If I could escape..."

Earlier today I broke a vase. It wasn't some heirloom or anything important. It was just a foot tall, 4'' square, clear glass vase. The flowers that came it in were of the "congratulations on being done with law school classes" variety. I had intended to plant bamboo in it. Thinking it would be a nice reminder of getting the flowers as well as my "accomplishment." I washed it out and went to dry it, at which point it tipped over and shattered.

Normally I'd just shrug, clean up the glass and that would be it. But not today. Not while I'm all hormonal; stressed with finals; terrified of bar study, unemployment, and student loan payments. First the tears welled up, then for whatever reason, I started sobbing. The entire thing was such a metaphor for my entire law school career. Just because you have the best of intentions doesn't mean it's not going to come crashing down on you in some bizarre way you never expected and shatter you into 1000 pieces.

Being that I was upset I decided that taking care of my barloan paperwork (since I've been procrastinating on that in avoidance of "making it all real") would be a better idea than trying to study or work on the 5-Day Take Home from Hell. Long story short, I'm rather sure my identity has been stolen. I was going through a lender I've never so much as tried to use-yet they have my social security number as already in use. Then I tried to have my username and password sent to me, which required I enter my email address. I entered every email address I've ever used and none were recognized. Of course I can't do anything about this until tomorrow morning, as if I'll get anything done between now and then.

The thing is, I can't imagine what idiot would ever want to be me. If someone really wants to deal with working nearly full time; taking 5 classes; spending 2 hours a day communting; coping with grandparents who have Alzheimers, Lung Cancer, and M.S.; finals; BarBri; PMBR; barloans; student loans and whatever else might come up all while attempting to have perfect hair and making sure their T-Zone doesn't get oily they can. I just hope they realize my credit wasn't that great to begin with so the joke is on them.

-------------------------------------------------------

I would but first of all let me say,
I must apologize for acting, stinking, treating you this way,
Cause I've been acting like sour milk fell on the floor,
It's your fault you didn't shut the refridgerator,
Maybe that's the reason I've been acting so cold.

Phrases Likely to Send Me Into a Blind Rage.

If one thing has been consistent about my job search, it's the phrases people say to "cheer me up." These people tend to be either people who have gotten jobs through OCI, my family, friends who know very little about the legal market, and occasionally readers of this blog. While it's all very well intentioned (and I love you all), hearing it over and over-largely from people who I feel have no idea what the reality is since they have romanticized the legal profession-gets to me infuriated. Literally it has gotten to the point where there are certain people I'd rather stay in than deal with all their "optimism."

1. "When you're a rich attorney."-You mean in 30 years when I'm twice divorced and raising 2 ungrateful teenage sons on my own since my husband-who predictably will also be a lawyer-can't understand why I can't manage to keep the house clean or have dinner on the table by 6? Yeah, I can't wait for that to happen.
2. "A Law Degree is a great thing, you can do anything with it."-Really, what? Government. Should I apply to be a cop or President, and where does one send the application for "President" out of curiosity?
3. "You'll find something."-Really, why don't you go tell that to the 35 unemployed students who graduated from my school in 2005. Or all the ones working as glorified paralegals. I'm sure they'd love to hear that I'm going to find something.
4. "You should be proud, not many people accomplish what you have."-By that I assume you mean stuck in law school for 3 years despite it making me miserable and ruining most of my relationships.
5. "You'll be fine, you're a smart girl."-Newsflash: I'm not that smart, and even if I was; smart doesn't get you employed, it just makes you smarter than the personable guy with connections who is employed.

I could go on. But I'm sure I'm already going to have readers scolding me for my "negative attitude" which employers can smell on me from a mile away. Plus, I don't really want people thinking I could fly into a rage at any second, since it's not quite that bad, yet.

The Sad Realizations of Most Law Students

Given the reasons stated by most for attending law school it comes as no surprise that many of these 20-somethings come to law school with the wide-eyed ambition that they will change the world or make a difference. These types generally fall into 2 categories; those who think they'll end up working for the ACLU defending Constitutional Rights and those who think they'll end up being public defenders and will change the negative views on the justice system that so many (repeat) offenders have.

Within a few months in law school you start to realize how hard jobs defending Constitutional liberties are to come by, and that you'd like to own a home one day so unless you get your "Mrs. Degree" during law school a job as a public defender just isn't practical.

Soon you realize you'll most likely end up taking just about any job you can get and thinking to yourself "personal injury wouldn't be that bad, would it?" Not long after that you're realizing that not only will you take just about any job offered for a given pay rate. Eventually that figure falls to a level slightly higher than a public defender. It's at this point which point you realize not only are you willing to be a "whore" but you're willing to do so for about $45,000 a year, $180 a day, or $18 an hour; plus benefits.

Spring Break and I'm Working on Accounting.

Day by day I'm looking less likely to ever work in the legal profession. I have gotten 2 call backs, and I have an interview next week.

It sounds messed up but it's kinda difficult to give it all up. I still plan to take the bar. When asked by the person I was speaking to about future employment today why I wanted to I really couldn't give any answer outside of "it would break my mom's heart if I didn't." Great answer.

3.15.07 Clarification: While re-reading this post it comes off negatively. I'm actually really excited about this possible job (the 2 call backs and interview are all for it).

I Wish I Had Soap Net.

The Career Services Counselor I met with the other day e-mailed me to let me know I had a really good resume which was well put together, so that is semi promising. She must not have pulled my transcript. I wonder if she'd think the same thing if I hadn't sent it to her as a PDF and she could tell I used a template? She did suggest I basically take all my activities off since they all seemed a bit "too liberal" and I might be judged based on them.

Trusts and Estates might be the death of me. I cannot seem to make myself pay attention. Let's hope my boyfriend Emanuel knows his stuff. The worst part is by this point of the day I'm exhausted the internets and I basically just sit and talk on AIM as the professor drones on like the teacher from Charlie Brown. I'm also supposed to be taking notes for someone, I'm officially a bad person.

I didn't realize until after I got to school today that it was the last day of class before spring break. Which is kinda weird since I'm going out of town.

"I'd Teach a Course, On How I Got to be a Star Crossed Pimp."

In other job unemployment related news: Today I met with the Career Services Counselor from my law school. I feel kinda better and kinda worse. Basically her message was:

1. You probably won't get a job until you have passed the bar.
2. Most 3Ls graduate without jobs.
3. Of the graduates from last year who are "employed" a lot of them are working as law clerks.
4. I am not the only one who wants to fly into a blind rage when people are optimistic.
5. Since I live at home I should "volunteer"-this assumes that I don't have other bills.
6. I can do "anything" with my law degree-but she was no better at giving me any more specifics than my mom is.
7. Watching daytime television gets depressing after a period of time.

A lot what was discussed plays into other posts I have planned such as "The Saddest Day of My Life", "The Second Saddest Day of My Life" and "Phrases That Make Me Want to Throw Things"; but I'll get into all that and so much more at a later date.

A Skunk Sprayed My Room. Again.

The response to my posts about the "job search" (read: my future homelessness and car repossession) has been resounding (and scary). If you have anything you'd like to share (anonymously or not) feel free to email it to me. I plan to get more stuff up later this week.

I did get a call back from a recruiter today, for a non-legal job which would require me to not take the bar (and lose all the money I have invested thus far in the bar application, barbri¹, and PMBR). It's just a leap I'm not sure I'm ready to take.

In terms of housekeeping, commenting has been opened up since people have been emailing saying they'd been having problems. Apparently it was set to blogger users only, who knows who is responsible for that.

¹Actually this one might be refundable.

I Should Have Listened to My College Guidance Counselor.

When I told my Guidance Counselor I was considering Law School she gave me a sheet which listed reasons not to go to law school, like:

1. I'm a liberal arts major, and I don't know what else to do with my degree.
2. My parents want me to go.
3. I like to argue/debate.
4. I want to change the world.
   
5. I did well on the LSAT, so why not?
6. I want to make a lot of money.
   

At the time every reason on that list was one of the reasons I gave for going to law school. And I knew it. But I told myself the same thing all stubborn college students tell themselves, "What does my guidance counselor know? If they could have gotten a real job they wouldn't be working as a guidance counselor." Plus I figured #6 would make up for it.

The sick thing is a part of me knew back then it was a mistake. But I didn't know what else to do, and my parents seemed so proud I wanted to go. I thought I would grow into law school like a pair of shoes your mom got you when you were 6 that was 1/2 a size too big.

Now I realize I don't really like to debate that much, and law really has nothing to do with debate; very few people actually change the world; and I'm probably not going to make a lot of money. I did do very well on my LSAT, a pointless test that has nothing to do with success in law school or life, I suppose I have that going for me.

New Format

I'm thinking of changing things around here to focus more on my search for employment. Do not worry, I still plan on commenting on Britney and Anna Nicole if the mood suits me.

Basically, I think I would really be doing my readers who are considering law school a disservice if I didn't make an attempt to portray what it's really like for those of us not in the top 15% of the class to get a job, particularly in a depressed economy.

Looking for work has managed to take over my life and overshadows my attitudes about everything, particularly towards those I interact with at the law school. There are literally moments when I feel I could fly into a blind rage at any second if one more person tells me how happy they are their firm paid for BarBri, PMBR, the Bar Application, their bar exam hotel or any other little detail which I am left struggling to figure out how to afford myself. I am growing tired of feeling like a second class citizen in a school I pay just as much to attend. And the reality is, when you do speak to the "chosen few" about the reality of your job situation is puts them into shock, since it seems like a dirty secret that everyone is too ashamed to talk about.

So I'm going to try to put my situation out there. While I do still work for the same firm, when I finally stood up for myself and the abuse I was taking I walked away from near certain semi-lucrative employment. I know this was a decision I made, and as such the situation I am in currently is the result of that choice, but to some extent that makes it more difficult for me to accept. I don't think one should be faced with choosing 2 more years of verbal and emotional abuse or employment, call my crazy.

When I started law school I knew jobs paying 120K were hard to come by, and I knew that wasn't what I wanted to do. I seemed to have this deluded idea that the minimum I'd be making would be 60K no matter what I did, and for the cut in pay I'd be able to enjoy my work. The harsh reality is I have extremely intelligent friends being offered jobs for 35K with no benefits, and a Career Services Office telling them to take any offer given to them since they are lucky to get anything in this market. Of roughtly 200 graduates last year from my law school, 35 who passed the bar are still unemployed. Employers are not shy about the fact that they used to pay more but they know people have to take jobs for 35K, so that is what they offer now.

Basically, this promises to be a memoriam of my slow descent into insanity as Exams, Graduation, PMBR, BarBri and the Bar come and go, while I am left considering why I spent the kind of money I did to take a test I could very well fail, when a definite career (or a job of any kind) is now where in sight.

Sigh.

Job search is not going well. It is looking like I will end up working at this place.


Lets hope they are hiring. I assume their benefits include free chinese, being that they advertise Chop Suey, Shrimp Fried Rice and Egg Rolls in the window.