Wednesday, November 30, 2005

And now a Special Annoucement from the President of the United States of America

In case anyone else misses Will Ferrell portraying President Bush on SNL as much as I do I thought I'd pass this along.

My favorite line: "What kind of book is this...jeez...Why didn't you tell me it was a pop-up book? Those things scare the crap out of me!"

Fountain Story

My undergraduate institution has numerous traditions. One of them is at freshman orientation everyone kicks off their sandals and walks through a fountain in the middle of campus towards the undergraduate library, upon graduation you're supposed to walk through the fountain towards the graduate school building.

After I graduated I spent a week in a drunk stuppor and pretending to be packing to move home. As such, I was far too busy to find time to walk through the fountain. The next time I went to visit campus was Labor Weekend. I had just finished my first week of law school and was determined to kick back and relax (Read: Drink alcohol until I passed out). So I hung out with some friends, drank like it was my job, and somewhere just after dark got the brilliant idea that I should go walk through the fountain, as a means to making my entrance to professional school official. I enlisted to 2 friends to come with me and with that we were on our way.

Now, any given day partying at my alma mater by dark it's nearly a given that I'll be 3 sheets to the wind, this particular day, however, I was about 5 sheets. I stumbled my way across campus and when we got near the fountain I began annoucing (read: screaming at the top of my lungs) "I'm an alumni!" to anyone who would listen. For some reason there were about 15 or 20 people seated around the fountain after dark which in my 3 years there I'd never seen, but never one to disappoint a crowd I announced my intention to walk through the fountain, took off my shoes, rolled my pants to my knees and climbed up onto the ledge. It was at this time that my friend Joel offered me his assistance in getting into the fountain, but being as stubborn as I am I dismissed him with my traditional "No, I got this!" and began to lower my left foot into the fountain.

The fountain, unfortunatly, was much deeper then I had remembered, and I lost my balance and began to fall. As I fell I flipped over so my friends could see the shocked look on my face as I fell in what seemed like slow motion and landed in the 18'' deep water, ending up completely soaked from head to toe.

In an attempt to save face I tried to just hop out of the fountain and run back but my friends insisted I get back in and finish my walk. So I had to hop back in, and walk through the fountain, hanging my head in drunken embarassment, yet still giggling to myself about the incident.

After I finished my walk I realized I'd probably made everyone around's night so I took a bow, announced one last time "Thank You, I'm an alumni" and began the walk back leaving a trail of water and holding up my pants since the weight of the water was pulling them down.

Never one to let a little accident such as that ruin my evening, I changed my clothes and forced my friend to drive me to meijer for some reason, and proceeded to walk around the store and eat gardetto's with soaking wet hair.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Everyone's got a Price

I am worth $1,867,798 on

Personally, I think I'm Priceless. However, if you just want me to do your evil deeds for you it's a bit cheaper

On Average, You Would Sell Out For


Yeah, I'd sell out for a little over a million per evil deed, that sounds about right.

I got tagged...

by Law and Alcoholism...And yes, ladies, it was good. Brief, but good.

So I suppose I'll do this meme. Here's what I have to do:

1. Go into your archives.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same thing.

So, here it is:

(Loser has to buy lunch).
Yeah, really exciting, I know. However, I have come a long way and I think my blogging is much better now.

And as for who I'm tagging...(This is hard since I think most people have done it).
  1. Best in Show
  2. Living the Dream
  3. Stay Classy, Kansas City
  4. Confessions of a Litigious Mind
  5. Captain Negativity
Do it if you want to, Some of you (I'm looking at you Best in Show) don't even have 23 posts though so whatever.

Elle Woods Poll

My brother's 18th Birthday is coming up and yet again I'm at a loss as to what to get him.

Last year (with the consent of my parents-they don't believe in censorship so I wasn't really surprised) I sent him a subscription to Playboy. I was figuring this year I'd get him another subscription to some sort of "adult" magazine but I'm not really sure if I should just keep it clean and go with Playboy again, or if I should step it up a bit since he's actually going to be 18. I've never actually seen a copy of Penthouse, let alone Hustler but from what I've heard I'm not exactly sure I want to get that for my little brother.

So my thoughts are:

  1. Playboy Subscription
  2. Penthouse Subscription
  3. Hustler Subscription
  4. Cigars, condoms and some cheesy porno movie

Let me know what you think in the comments, and if you have any other suggestions please feel free to add them. Just remember, that even though my parents are open minded and laid back my mom does have high blood pressure and likes to say "My head hurts" whenever my brother and I cross the line with her...I'm thinking Penthouse might be the line and thereby Hustler is way beyond it.


Yesterday I experienced a large volume of traffic due to other people's promotion of my blog, be it appreciated or not some of the feedback I got was interesting to say the least. I've chosen not to censor comments since I truly believe in the value of free speech and even though this is "my place" to express myself I feel the internet as a whole somewhere for everyone to express themselves. That said, I'm not saying I won't censor comments, however, things have not gotten to the point at which I would yet.

The most interesting feedback I got was through e-mail, and give my new site disclaimer, I felt free to share some of the choice selections with you, my wonderful, devoted readers.

Most of the negative feedback took the form of:

You must be ugly since you're funny for a broad and you're in law school. Please send me a picture to prove that you're not ugly/fat/deformed.
To be fair, I should mention most of these e-mails had typos and the writers did not actually appear to have any sort of grasp of puncuation. To address these e-mails. I really don't care what you think of me, and I'm not about to send my picture out to some shaved ape and risking loosing my thinly vailed anonminity because you want a picture to jerk off to. Go find a porn site and leave me out of it.

The positive feedback tended use a much bigger vocabulary, and actually have a grasp on how grammar and puncuation worked. My personal favorite was:
I'd be careful, I think this guy has an Andy Kaufmann complex and might challenge you to wrestle.
While I appreciate readers who enjoy my work and send positive feedback don't hold your breath that I'll be sending out any pictures anytime soon.

Monday, November 28, 2005

"I'm not a coward, I've just never been tested; I'd like to think if I was I would pass...Might be a coward, I'm afraid of what I might find out"

I was supposed to go take another blood test today so the doctor can see how far along my mono is by comparing it to my last test. I couldn't bring myself to go. I figured all the drinking I did this weekend would mess up the test results and he'd never let me return to work and give me sh*t about going to school tomorrow.

Plus, I'm pretty sure I have Mono-hepatitis. So that's pretty sweet. Here's an excerpt from that link:

People who become jaundiced (yellow skin, eyes, dark urine) need to avoid alcohol for as long as a year after having mono because of the possible damage to the liver cells.

And it's not like there is really anything they can do for me besides tell me to not drink for another few months to a year and I don't even think we need to discuss how pissed I'm going to be if that happens.

All dressed up with nowhere to go...

I have about a million things I want to blog about right now regarding how pissed I'm getting with a certain situation but I've decided it's best to just let it be and hopefully it will go away.

To my new visitors: If you're coming here from NDC, Welcome! If you're coming here from a link in which I was called a "Broad", well you're welcome here too, but I guess I just wish you didn't have to come across me in such a manner.

I'm just annoyed right now since I'm not one to solicit traffic and somehow I've become wrapped up in someone else's attempts to boost their own. (Or at least it kinda seems that way to me).

Ohh, and since I've been getting some really nice e-mails lately I thought I should add a site disclaimer. But I'm too lazy, so just go here, change all references to "NDC" to "Elle Woods" and change gender pronouns as you see fit. Strike Clauses 14 and 15. Additionally, naked pictures/videos of hot women masterbating as required in Clauses 9 and 22 can still be direct to NDC, as I have no use for such things.

Why My Grandpa is Hilarious...

Grandpa: You know, I was told today that they only way you can get mono is from kissing...So, who gave it to you?

Elle Woods: No you can get it from sharing straws, drinks, or if someone coughs or sneezes on you.

Grandpa: Oh, and I guess you expect me to believe people really get crabs from toilet seats.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Random Google Observation

I use song lyrics and movie quotes to title my posts an inordinately large percentage of the time. So I get referrals from them all the time. However the one that outnumbers all other searches at least 4:1...

Doctor Doctor give me the news I've got a bad case of loving you
And that my friends, is why Robert Palmer, may he rest in peace, is the man.

Elle Woods Presents the First "Sexist Asshole of the Week" Award

...Which is given, ohh not necessarily given every week, given only when there's a worthy somebody.*

Today I got an e-mail, which turned out to be quite the gem.

It is rare for a woman to make me laugh. I like your blog so I blogrolled you.

If you have some time to kill, my blog is

Tell your uncle to keep up the good work.

- Matt

So I took the time to check out his site, since I thought maybe he was joking about being a misogynist. But, ohh, he was not. Of course, I suppose it was rather dumb of me to think anyone who is a self described meathead was joking about being sexist.

Here are a few select gems:

  • "If the nanny raises the kids, what purpose does the wife serve?" [Link]
  • "There are downsides to having a penis. For instance, if I want to go left and my penis tells me to go right... I'm going right. It is not unlike slavery and women are lucky to be free of the burden." [Link]
  • This post is priceless, yeah we know you don't get women, we're smarter and more complex then you and since you don't get us you choose to hate us instead.
  • "I'd take work as a sperm donor and an assassin. Because my seed needs to be planted in as many women as possible and a whole lot of people would be better off dead." [Link]
  • "There is no doubt in my mind that property owners should own guns. It is especially important when there aren't men in the house." [Link]
  • "At $9.99 for a six-pack, it is a pricey beer. But a six-pack of other beers will not get you 'pissed myself drunk.'" [Link]
  • "So this broad was donging..." [Link]
  • If a tortoise can do it; I am sure that as humans progress, we will eventually be able to achieve higher and higher average lifespans. This is not an unrealistic expectation... there were many people that said humans would never fly. And they were obviously wrong. [Link]
  • "When it comes to finding happiness, some womyn have deferred success because of their intrinsic aptitude. Maybe they need to take a thought shower. If their success is further deferred, they can always try being a waitron." [Link]
After I checked out his site I sent him an e-mail saying notifying him of his award and told him he didn't need to do me any favors by linking to me.

UPDATE: I received a reply e-mail which stated "if you are offended... I don't care. I'm keeping you on my blogroll regardless." Ohh, and like most sexist pigs, he's proud of his title and wanted a plaque. Unfortunately we're short on funds here because I don't have a paypal donate button like he does so I just had to make him a certificate, which can be found under this post.

*Bonus points if you got the Lebowski reference.

Drunk Guy Compliment of the Night

"If that whole law school thing doesn't work out you could find work doing laugh tracks for sitcoms."

Friday, November 25, 2005

Too interesting not to pass along...

Liquid Condoms? Not too sure how I feel about that.

After listening to an old song I decided My Uncle's new nickname is "Uncle Krackhead."

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Signs You Have Drug/Alcohol Addiction Issues

This list brought to you by my Uncle's Thanksgiving appearance

  1. You walk in from the car carrying a beer.
  2. Your pupils are dilated when you get there.
  3. Your speech is slurred, and not "drunken slurring" but moreso since you're talking SO fast and your words are running together.
  4. You pace around and can't sit still.
  5. You rub your palms and scratch your arms.
  6. You randomly disappear all evening.
  7. You start a conversation about Phish and Trey Anastasio with your niece over dinner.
  8. Said conversation leads to you telling her that your new Girlfriend (who's name is Merrily) went to Bonnaroo (which all of her friends went to so she knows what it's like).
  9. You make your niece and nephew listen to Phish.
  10. You hesitantly admit that the new girlfriend is someone you met this summer-a time period that you have since admitted you were addicted to crack cocaine during.
  11. Your new girlfriend lost custody of her kids.
  12. Your niece sees you inhaling from some sort of pipe during one of the time periods you were missing.

If you're old enough to buy porn you're old enough to fill out a form...

Lately my mom has been driving me crazy. She's been in full on "nesting" mode since my little brother started his senior year of high school. She calls me 4 times before 11:30 in the morning when she's off work, insisted on driving me to the doctor (when I capable of doing so myself), and calls every evening to tell me how her day went and ask about mine. Generally, I don't have time for her recaps so I just put my phone on speaker while I do work around my room. I don't have the heart to tell her I don't have time for it, and lately it has been nice to have the human contact so I listen to all the mundane stories. I'm starting to understand how/why husband's come home from and what their wifes tell them (read: ramble on about) goes in one ear and out the other.

I've talked to my brother and he has complained the same things and how she's been "micromanaging" everything he does lately. I didn't believe it until I overheard a phone call from her in which she asked about no less then 25 things regarding whether he'd finished them yet.

While I reaped the benefits of the over mothering in the forms of soup delivered from Panera and her picking up and paying for my prescriptions. My brother has received an even bigger benefit. And I must say I am a little annoyed about it.

She's been filling out all his Financial Aid forms for college. Apparently there is some 15 page form in addition to the FAFSA that now must be filled out and I just got off the phone with my mom who was complaining she'd be spending all day tomorrow filling it out. I've now filled out 5 FAFSA forms and I personally believe that every college student should have to struggle over their own forms. As if it's not bad enough she's doing the work for him, I am the one listening to her complain about having to do so while he's out with his friends. He's going to be 18 in 2 weeks and I'm starting to think he'd never filled out a form in his life besides the actually college applications, I know for a fact she filled out his Prep School application and I'm sure she's done every other form of that sort.

I personally like that I've always handled these types of things on my own so I know they're handled correctly. My brother seems to prefer to just assume my mom is handling them. So I started thinking and I'm wondering if this is something that mothers do for their sons or if it's just that my mom dotes on my brother since she always has had a tendency to.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

IM Convo with my Little Brother

Elle Woods: We need to get Mom something for her birthday...Just something little

Little Brother: ohh yeah

Little Brother: I'll get her a fat dime bag

Elle Woods: umm I don't think she wants that

Little Brother: it's not a bad idea...she does need to chill

Elle Woods: I suppose I'll be in charge of shopping if that's your idea of a good gift for our Mother

Elle Woods Salute to Sobriety

In honor of tonight being the biggest bar night of the year I thought I'd take some time to reflect on why it might not be the worst thing in the world that even if I go out I won't be able to imbibe any alcohol. We all do stupid things once "drunk logic" prevails, these people took it to the extreme.

First we have the French woman who tried to open an airplane door mid-flight to have a smoke. Most people would just light up in the cabin if it was that important to them to have a cigarette, and while your fellow passengers might be annoyed by your smoking in the cabin I think they'd all still rather you do that then open the flight doors at a few thousand feet.

Next is the German man who set his apartment on fire trying to dry his bed. Why was his bed wet? Well, apparently even at the age of 60 this man isn't what we like to call "housebroken".

And last but not least there is the man who cut off his testicles because Wales won a rugby game. I don't know which part of the story is funnier; the fact that he pulled them out of the toilet and put them in a bag and went to a "social club" to show his friends or whether he thinks he'll be able to adopt one day; something tells me that if there is a mental health screening he might not pass it. I will conceed that nowhere in this article does it say that the man was drunk, but I think it's a given if he's watching rugby that he's drinking.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Fun with Google

Every once and awhile I check my site meter so see if I got any cool referrals. Usually, given my proclivity for using song/movie quotes as titles most of my referrals from Google searchs come from things like that, however, every once and a while there is a gem such as this one.

Now, I cannot confirm or deny the validity of such a claim, but I've always found the Every 3 Weekly and Maurice Clarett to be reliable sources. Plus, we all know everything you read on the internet is true.

Monday, November 21, 2005

I think I've said a similar prayer...

Or least I probably did back in the day.

For those of you who think that because someone is a liberal they're not a REAL American

You Passed the US Citizenship Test
Congratulations - you got 10 out of 10 correct!
Could You Pass the US Citizenship Test?

Ironically, it's also the last drink I had...

You Are an Appletini
Most of the time, you're a typical party girl / guy.But when you get super sauced, you really up your sex appeal.
What Mixed Drink Are You?

"Don't you sometimes, Wish your Heart was a Heart of Stone?"

For as much shit as I talked about Ohio I suppose I should acknowledge Saturday's loss somewhere other then the comments.

I'm simply heartbroken. The last time Michigan won I had tickets (I was a student) but wasn't able to attend the game since I was on crutches. I watched the game on the TV in my room (I wasn't old enough to go to the bars and I didn't have the requisite ID at the time), my house was about a 1/4 mile from the stadium so I could hear everyone going nuts. I just sat in bed and wanted to cry since I couldn't be there. Instead I spent the money I got from selling my ticket on alcohol and most likely some of "nature's finest" (that was pretty standard in those days), my friend stopped by after the game and it ended up being a great day.

Sadness was the general tone from Saturday. I watched the game by myself again, and while I actually really like watching football alone since I can yell and scream and not worry about not being lady like it's still kinda sad when they loose. It was a great game, but when I read articles that talk about our bowl bid and they do not seem to reference a game that is played on New Year's Day I get pretty depressed.

Had Carpenter been in I doubt the game would have been as close, of course Hart not being in during the 2nd 1/2 didn't exactly help Michigan either so whatever. Injuries happen, they are part of the game and blaming losses on them is lame since in the end it usually comes down to which team is healthiest. Thus far while I'm impressed with Hart's running I'm not impressed with his "attendance" if you will-let's just say he's no Brett Favre.

Am I calling for Carr's head? Ehh, I don't really know if that is the problem. I think the defense has improved vastly from last year, but then again, Jim Herrmann is the man. I'm also pumped to see that Sam Sword is working with the outside linebackers, I've held a special place in my heart for him ever since 1997. It's the offensive coordinator and quarterbacks coach that I'm not too sure about (I f*cking hate that stupid screen pass we run all the d*mn time that works maybe 2 out of every 10 tries-if you've watched a Michigan game you know the one-where we throw the ball to the sidelines at the line of scrimmage and then the guy who catches it always get knocked out of bounds and never gets any yards...yeah that one).

So that's my thoughts on the whole thing, random, I know. But really, have you come to expect anything different from me?

Dear Liver,

Go screw yourself. Jaundice and permanent damage can't be that bad. The liver regenerates itself right? Ohh, well, I was probably going to need a transplant anyway so I'll just look at it as speeding up the process up a bit.

Hugs and Kisses,
Elle Woods

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Movies I've Watched in the Last 8 Days:

200 Cigarettes: I enjoyed finally seeing this, I'd seen bits and pieces over the years but never actually seen the whole thing. Courtney Love did an excellent job and looked amazing (particularly compared to nowadays).
Being John Malcovich: I'd always wanted to see this and never had. I had no idea what it was about (other then that people were John Malcovich's brain) and I thought it was really good.
Best in Show: I'm watching this one right now. "We met at Starbucks, not at the same Starbucks, but we saw each other at different Starbucks across the street from each other."
Gia: I saw the Angelina Jolie True Hollywood story and decided I really wanted to see this after I looked up who Gia was I decided to rent it. Excellent.
Layer Cake: I just randomly grabbed this at Blockbuster since I had essentially seen every other new release
Magnolia: I have it for an entire week so I think I'll watch it again since I've always wanted to see it and it was really good.
Mulholland Drive: I think I'm going to have to watch this one again also, particularly since I've found David Lynch's tips to unlocking the thriller. Excellent, but crazy.
Slingblade: Ok technically I haven't watched this one yet but I rented it and it's next. Don't act like you're not impressed I've watched all these movies lately just because I didn't get to this one yet.
The Tao of Steve: Tips for chubby stoners to get hot chicks. I don't know how I feel about that.

(If you can't tell I've seen everything in the new release section that I want to see and so I have started renting movies I've always wanted to see and hadn't yet.)

Purchased (and watched-almost all of these I've previously seen)
Anchorman: I've seen this movie so many times and I still love it. I don't know if I mentioned but my brother went as Ron Burgundy for Halloween.
The Aviator: I love watching movies with "eccentric" people-it makes me feel better about my eccentric ways. This is the only one I hadn't seen before I bought it. It was also my least favorite.
Closer: "Everybody wants to be happy.""Depressives don't. They want to be unhappy to confirm they're depressed. If they were happy they couldn't be depressed anymore. They'd have to go out into the world and live. Which can be depressing."
Legally Blonde II (Red, White and Blonde): I know you're shocked I didn't own it, but I'd just never gotten around to buying it so when my mom got it for me I was super excited. I don't find it as good as the first but I still love it.
Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou: "Do all the interns get glocks?"
Mermaids: I actually watched it twice. The 2nd time the gay husband and I started it at the same time in our respective states and "watched it together."
Sideways: Difficult to watch movies about wine tasting when I've been forced on the wagon.
Spanglish: I love Adam Sandler in this, after Punch Drunk Love I wasn't convinced about Adam Sandler's dramatic skills but this movie was more in his range and I think he's great.
Super Troopers: "Excuse me, are you saying meow?"

Owned (and re-watched)
The Breakfast Club: Ohh how I love the 1980's John Hughes movies.
Fight Club: "Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... Our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off."
Garden State: Amazing Soundtrack.
Girl, Interrupted: Another movie the gay husband and I "watched together."
I Heart Huckabees: I love this movie.
Legally Blonde: Timeless Classic. What girl in her right mind can resist a Legally Blonde marathon.

Went to the Theatre and Saw
Walk the Line: Joaquin Pheonix was amazing, I can't believe how much he sounded like Johnny Cash. I had no idea how bad Johnny's drug addiction to amphetamines and barbiturates (the movie makes it look like it was just amphetamines but an article I read noted both) was or that on tour with Elvis was where his addiction began. Admittedly, I didn't know much about Johnny Cash before I saw the movie. Reese Witherspoon was great and her singing was, dare I say, better then Pheonix's. Because June Carter's sound is less known she seemed to be able to use a bit more of her own voice which was excellent. She came off as more "cutesy" then June Carter's real voice sounds but it fit her character. I've read the criticism of Johnny's Daughter, and while I'm sure it has merit I don't really understand her characterization as "sex, drugs and rock'n'roll" movie. My brother wanted to go see Harry Potter but since I haven't seen any of the other movies or read any of the books (I never got into the whole craze) I insisted on this movie. He said he was really happy he saw it and I loved it.

Despite what you might believe based on my apparent lack of concern I do have finals coming up, but apparently I'm not really worried about them at all. I refused to study until at least Thanksgiving.

Friday, November 18, 2005

"I once thought I had mono for an entire year. It turned out I was just really bored."

I'm really starting to enjoy my new laid back lifestyle. A girl could really get used to sleeping over 10 hours a day, being catered to, and not really being expected to do anything. When compared with being at school 12 hours 2 days a week and spending at least 10 hours a day at the office the other days this is a walk in the park. Granted it's painful to breathe/sit but those are downsides I'm willing to deal with.

I am still a bit bitter my brother and parents are going to be on the field for the U of M/OSU game tomorrow and I can't even have an "adult beverage" at the bar to mourn my not being there. While that alone would be annoying enough it's only the 2nd Friday I've had to stay in and I'm really sick of it. Even when I regain the energy to go out I won't be able to drink for about another month. Sobriety is annoying.

Revised O.S.U. Fight Song

Ohio Hate week is drawing to a close so I thought I'd take a trip down memory lane and post a song my dad taught my brother and I one year as he was painting a 17' x 17' block M in our front grass to show our families spirit.

Liquidate Ohio State

Liquidate Ohio State and turn the Buckeyes blue.
They breed a lot of cattle in Columbus,
It looks just like a zoo.

Knock them off their ivory towers,
Send them crawling into the showers,
Liquidate Ohio State,
It’s a know-nothing party school!

They say the girls who go to O.S.U.,
Are husband hunting dames,
They dig the jocks who got the killer instinct,
Not the boys with brains.

At Columbus you’re way ahead,
With straight A’s in Physical Ed,
Liquidate Ohio State,
It’s a know-nothing party school.

Bust your guts for Tressel!
Move your butts for Tressel!

Liquidate Ohio State and turn the Buckeyes blue,
They breed a lot of cattle in Columbus,
It looks just like a zoo. Rah! Rah! Rah!

Knock them off their ivory towers,
Send them crawling into the showers,
Liquidate Ohio State,
It’s a know-nothing party school!

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Interaction with People is Overrated

I was really missing interacting with people, now I realize I wasn't missing anything at all. I went to Blockbuster to rent more movies, particularly Tea with Mussolini. When I didn't find it I asked the guy at the desk to see if they had it.

Blockbuster Employee #1: You're going to have to spell that Sweetheart.

Elle Woods: Tea with M-U-S-S-O-L-I-N-I.

Blockbuster Employee #1: (Searches Computer, Can't seem to find it).

Elle Woods: Cher is in it.

Blockbuster Employee #1: Ohh, it's Tea with Mussolini, and Mussolini has an O.

Elle Woods: I know, that's what I said.

Blockbuster Employee #1: Ohh, well, we don't carry it.

Elle Woods: Ok then. (Goes and finds other movies to rent and comes back).

Blockbuster Employee #1: So what is Tea with Mussolini about? Making some Tea and pouring some liquor in it?

Elle Woods: Umm, No.

"Come gather 'round people wherever you roam"

I mentioned that I don't know how I'm going to make it through Thanksgiving without alcohol to make my family tolerable. Granted, last year was the first year I drank (openly) at a family function (since I was finally old enough) but in the last year things in my family have gotten insane and I am not sure how I will tolerate them without booze. Hell, even my 17 year old brother gets to drink at Holidays now since everything is so f*cked up.

So now children, gather round and I'll tell you a story about Alcohol, Sex, and Drugs; and why in excess they do not make for pleasant family functions. This story tells way more about my family then I really have ever even thought of delving into on my blog, but enough time as gone by that I can laugh at all this now. I should warn that this story has a slow lead in, but it's worth it in the end. I would also like to say that I, unlike my family, am not insane. Ok, I kinda am, but I care to think of it as "quirky."

Last year around this time my Uncle "S" was living at my grandparents (his parents) house, where I also reside, because he was in the midst of a divorce and his now ex-wife had kicked him out of the house. The divorce was taking place largely due to my uncles substance abuse problem, the degree of which became evident (some what) when he started coming home with a 12 pack daily and was routinely caught my yours truly chugging off the vodka bottle.

Every year Thanksgiving is held at my mom's parents house (where I live) and traditionally my grandparents invite my dad's sister (Aunt "P") who is unmarried and my dad's parents, since neither family is terribly large and it seemed like the nice thing to do. Plus, it spares my immediate family from eating two Thanksgiving dinners (the one cooked by my dad's mom was always terrible so I particularly like not having to choke down sick food). Seriously, she soaks the turkey in salt water for some reason, it's gross. Last year everything went smoothly, I got drunk so my dad's annoying family was tolerable and nothing too eventful happened.

Christmas Eve is always held at my mom's parents and was also uneventful. The only people there were my grandparents, my parents, my brother, Uncle "S", and his 2 sons.

Christmas Day my mom now hosts at my parents house (largely so we don't have to eat anything my dad's mother cooks and so we don't get stuck at their house where she SCREAMS at my grandpa). It used to be an occasion just for my dad's side but my mom started inviting her parents for dinner (once presents had been opened) a few years back since they didn't have anything else to do, and so last year-being that her younger brother, Uncle "S" was alone on Christmas she invited him to dinner also. Here, my dear readers is where the story gets interesting.

As is pretty customary at our holiday functions alcohol was flowing freely. So on Christmas Day Everyone was fairly buzzed with the exception of yours truly, I was staying sober since I had planned to go see the Gay Husband in Ann Arbor and take him dinner since he was unable to get off work and therefore could not go back home to see his family. My dad's younger sister (who is best described as "Coyote Ugly") was so drunk she spilled 2 glasses of red wine-1 on my mom's new tablecloth and one on my mom's coffee table. My mom's younger brother-being an alcoholic was also smashed.

After dinner I quickly made my escape since flirting had began between my Aunt and Uncle and I wanted to be nowhere near anything that may or may not go down. Shortly after arriving in Ann Arbor I got a call from my mom. This conversation transpired:

Mom: I have to be quick since your father is outside, but [S] and [P] just left together.

Elle Woods: SHUT UP!

Mom: I kid you not.

Elle Woods: Hold on, I need some wine...What happened?

Mom: Ohh she spilled another glass of wine after you left and then they sat next to each other and she kept batting her eyes at him. Then she was rubbing his thigh.

Elle Woods: OHH. MY. GOD. That is why I left. That is so f*cked up.

Mom: Yeah, Well, I think you officially have a white trash Christmas when the 17 year old comes out of his and announces 'I Thing [Uncle S] just left to have sex with [Aunt P].'

Elle Woods: HE SAID THAT!

Mom: Apparently your uncle told your brother that he thinks his aunt wants him to follow her home and that 'he wouldn't mind batting those things (her huge tits) around for a bit'.

Little Brother in the background: He even made a batting motion with his hands.

Elle Woods: Ok I have to go throw up. I'll talk to you about this tomorrow.

My mom and I (among other family members) were completely livid with both of them since clearly, Christmas dinner should not be a place that you "hook up."

In case anyone is confused I made a handy diagram.

Seriously. F*cked. Up. I. Know.

Fast Forward to January when my Uncle's friend disclose to my grandparents (after my uncle has attempted suicide) that in addition to the drinking problem (which everyone was willing to admit was a problem after the holidays) my uncle had been doing coke since the late 1970's/early 1980's and since the divorce had been finalized he had begun smoking crack. My uncle denies the crack allegations and claims the coke allegations are wildly exaggerated. My uncle agrees to go into rehab, my grandparents run his business, he leaves rehab early and within a month is drinking again.

March-July: My uncle routinely doesn't show up for work and my grandpa essentially begins running his business while my uncle still draws a full salary. My uncle also has some crackwhore (literally) living with him. At some point during this time frame my uncle apologizes to me for the incident, however, has never said anything to anyone else in the family about it.

July 3rd: My mom's parents host their annual 4th of July Party for the fireworks on the lake and my Dad's Sister is so jealous that my Uncle is talking to other women she begins hitting on my friends (who are roughly 23-25, she is 42) in some lame attempt make him jealous. (She's seriously a desperate person and clearly seeks validation in men-maybe not the best idea when you're NOT ATTRACTIVE AT ALL and are possibly one of the biggest bitches I've ever met in my life). Now mind you, I hadn't seen her since the Christmas incident and wasn't happy with her to begin with so by this point I was just LIVID at her behavior. I've seen her once since and to call my attitude "cold" would be an understatement.

By late August my uncle has spent his entire savings on drugs and alcohol, is near bankruptcy, and confesses to my grandparents that he is in fact addicted to crack. My grandparents check him into the hospital for a few days, but he refuses rehab and claims he can do it on his own.

Now, my uncle has been missing work again, and apparently has a girlfriend who he is bringing to Thanksgiving dinner. The catch is, my grandma didn't hear about this soon enough to not invite my dad's side of the family. Somehow I'm going to have to find a way to smoke cigarettes during this holiday even though my family (outside of my mom and brother) have no idea I smoke.

So, what could be more fun then watching your Desperate Aunt and Crackhead Uncle who hooked up sit at Thanksgiving dinner together? I'd have to go with seeing her response to him bringing a girlfriend and watching the whole thing go down sober for 1000 Alex. There are times when I wish I still smoked substances other then cigarettes, but my new motto for the Holiday season is: Horray for xanax.

Ohio Hate Week Continues

Jim Tressel does Dr. Seuss:

I cannot beat the Maize and Blue.
I do not like them much, do you?

I cannot beat them in Columbus.
I cannot beat them, it makes me cuss.
I cannot beat them in Ann Arbor.
I cannot beat them, ask my barber.
I cannot beat them when it's Bo.
I cannot beat them when it's Mo.
I cannot beat them with Lloyd Carr.
I cannot beat them near or far.

I cannot beat them at my home.
I could not beat them in a dome.
I cannot beat them when we're better.
I cannot beat them in bad weather.

I cannot beat them with Tom, Dick, or Harry.
I cannot beat them and it's getting scary.
The alumni are breathing down my neck.
I cannot beat them, not even a speck.

I cannot beat the Maize and Blue.
I do not like them much. Do you?

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Link My Dad Sent Me

Shockingly, it's not even offensive.

No Booze For Elle

(No work either which is a plus).

Well the Liver Function test results are in (previously I'd just been going on my Doctor's belief from looking at me that I had mono-and what to do Doctor's know anyway?).

Normal Liver Function: 70 Phosphatase units/L
Elle Woods Liver Function: 349 Phosphatase units/L

I'd like to be able to play this off on excessive drinking but I haven't had a sip of alcohol in over a week (moment of silence).

I know I posted I had mono on here already but without the test results I didn't really believe it. Plus I didn't sleep 16 hours today so I thought I was getting better. My Doctor actually wanted me to drop out of school for the semester (and forfeit the $8,000 I spent), even my mom who has been on his side told him he was insane. I'm planning on attending tomorrow, but we will see. We all know if there's one thing that's more fun then going to law school, it's going to law school when you have mono.

The real issue is this puts a cramp in my Thanksgiving plans. As soon as my grandma found out I had mono she looked at me and said "Ohh no, how are you going to get drunk and tolerate the family on Thanksgiving?" The answer to that dilemma remains to be seen.


Alternate Title: I Hate Ohio Week Continues

Yes, I do realize it's kind of moronic to post this story after declaring that there is no god this morning. We're talking rivalries here people, plus 98% of men would say women make no sense anyway-so let's just go with it.

A highly recruited high school football player...was visiting schools to try and find the best college to attend. His first stop was at Florida State.

When he got there, Bobby Bowden immediately picked up a golden telephone. After talking several minutes, he said, "Thank you, God" and hung up. This shocked the young man. He asked the coach what was so special about the golden phone.

"Well, this phone is a direct line to God. And God tells us whether or not new recruits would be stars at our university. And we think you could be one of our stars!" The athlete asked if he could use the phone to ask God what college he should pick. "Sure, you can! But it's going to cost you $1,250. Calling Heaven isn't cheap." The fellow didn't have that kind of money, so he moved along. Who would want to live in Florida anyway?

His next stop was Ohio State. Upon entering Jim Tressel's office, Coach Tressel immediately picked up a golden telephone. After talking several minutes, he said, "Thank you, God. We'll let him know." and hung up. The boy said, "Hey, I've seen that phone before. Can I use yours to call God and ask what college I should pick?" Tressel said, "Sure, but it's going to cost you $150. Calling Heaven isn't cheap." Again, not having that kind of money, the lad left. He didn't want to live in Ohio either.

His last stop was in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Upon arrival at the office, Coach Carr picked up a golden telephone, talked to God. After a few minutes he said, "Thanks," and hung up. The boy just had to use that phone, so he said, "Coach, I really need to use that golden telephone so I can call God and ask him which college I should choose. From Florida it was going to cost me $1,250. From Ohio they wanted $150. So how much will it cost me to call Heaven from here at Michigan?"

Coach Carr smiled and said, "Nothing, son. It's a local call."

Rant: Why There is no God*

Here's the thing, I'm a nice enough girl, albeit a bit self centered. But I do nice things for people without being asked, before I got insanely busy I used to do volunteer work tutoring underprivileged girls. I give to the homeless (usually in the form of money or cigarettes, but I also have been known to give them booze). I give blood to the Red Cross, money to organizations helping animals after Hurricane Katrina, most importantly I try on a daily basis to be a good person. I'd even been trying to curtail my cursing. I go to school in an attempt to enlighten and better myself, I work for some unknown reason. Sometimes I do bad things, but I always feel terrible afterwards and apologize.

Yet, despite all my efforts to be good bad things continue to happen to me. I've been sick for 10 days now, stuck at home for 7. I had been coping with that. Watching 5 movies yesterday was actually kinda fun. However, when the skunk sprayed my room last night at 9:30 I realized there is no god. The physics of this are really astounding, when I walk outside there is no detectable smell, yet my room is practically unbearable. I sprayed some air freshner, but now it just smells like a skunk sprayed a vanilla bush. I'm too stubburn to actually leave my room so despite that fact that I turned off my heater so it's freezing (the only thing worse then a room that smells like skunk is a room that smells like cooking a skunk), and the fact that I can't stand to breathe here I sit, blogging away; trying to figure out when the stench will go away.

*I didn't believe in god before this post so don't freak out and tell me something so unimportant as my room smelling isn't enough to prove there is no god. Additionally, please do not try to save my soul, as I already sold it for a decent grade in my Torts class.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

In the spirit of the big game this week:

Here's a joke for Wolverine enjoyment:
An Ohio State fan, a Michigan fan, and a Nebraska fan were walking along the beach, when they came across a magic genie. The magic genie said he would grant them each one wish. The Nebraska fan said that his father was a farmer, he was a farmer, and his son would farm, so he wished that the land would be forever fertile in Nebraska. The genie promptly granted his wish. The Ohio State fan was impressed with this, and then wished for a wall to completely surround the state of Ohio so that no Wolverine fan could ever get inside. The Genie granted his wish. Then, the Michigan fan said, "Tell me more about this wall." the genie answered "It is 150 ft high, and 50 ft wide, and nothing can get in or out of it." So the Michigan fan replied, "Fill it up with water!"

Day 6 Stuck in the House and Counting...

Well I'm still sick and have to miss another day of school (that makes 2 days of school, 2 days of work and counting). The only things I've left for since last thursday are 2 doctors appointments, I'm seriously going insane.

I had been sleeping all day but I think I'm less tired so today I'm going to have a movie marathon; Mermaids, Supertroopers, Legally Blonde, and Legally Blonde 2 are on the agenda. If I feel up to it I also plan to finish some laundry and clean up around here.

I went to the doctor again yesterday. Apparently I have some form of antibiotic resistant strep (Z-Pac did nothing for it whatsoever) and mono. So I got to give blood for the mono test. Plus I got some sort of antibiotic shot and another Rx for different antibiotics. I also got to pee into a cup for some reason-really I just think my doctor has no idea what is wrong with me and wants to test everything.

Thus far the only change is that my arm is hot and sore where the antibiotic injection was (bonus that it didn't have to go in my butt) and sore where the blood draw was.

It's Finally Here Bitches!

Confessions On A Dancefloor drops today!!!

(Too bad I have to wait for my copy to get here from Amazon).

Sunday, November 13, 2005

"You will get a sentimental, Feeling when you hear, Voices singing let's be jolly, Deck the halls with boughs of holly."

Normally I'm not a proponent of setting up Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving. However, when I woke up and walked out of my room to see a fully decorated Christmas Tree set up there, I will admit I smiled.

Not having left the house since Thursday any change in the scenery was welcomed.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Right Again

My Super Size Me! post generated a bit of commenting about the guy who has eaten at least one Big Mac a day since 1972, So I decided to do a bit more research (really it's that I'm sick and can't do much else).

His name is Don Gorske and he is a Wisconsin native. (The Gay Husband was wrong about him being southern-maybe he was trying to hide that this weirdo came from his home state). So, now that the whole him being "southern" excuse* is unavailable to explain away his perceived mental short comings I'm pretty sure the guy has some sort of mental health issue.

I think it's a given at this point that his IQ is somewhere around that of Forrest Gump, he doesn't really seen to have OCD and yet he displays an unhealthy attachment to something, which in my life I've always found to be a trait of OCD (personal experience) or mental impairment (I worked with the mentally impaired for years).

I offer as an example** the dishwasher who used to work in the restaurant that my family owned and my mom ran. I feel compelled to point out that said dishwasher had a birth defect which left him with only 1/2 a tongue (making it extremely hard to communicate-but the saint that my Mom is, she took the time to learn how to understand him and could pretty much understand everyword that came out of his mouth***). He lived in a house roughly the size of my room with something ridiculous like 12 other relatives****. He was capable of functioning in the real world on some level-but even at the tender age of 4 I could tell it was a bit of a strain.

Now, said dishwasher had unhealthy fixations on 3 things. Mountain Dew, The Rolling Stones, and carrying a Newspaper. Now I will examine the absurdities of each one of these in kind.

  1. He literally drank 12-20oz. bottles of Mountain Dew everyday AND would bring it into work since the pop machine didn't have Mountain Dew. Ohh, AND he drank it warm. He literally would not go anywhere without his Mountain Dew. That just seems a bit excessive to me and is pretty much inline with only eating McDonald's for 33 years and essentially only drinking Coca-Cola. Except I think the Mountain Dew thing is actually a little less weird.
  2. Why a guy with 1/2 a tongue would focus on The Stones is beyond me, I mean, come on...Their logo is a mouth with a tongue hanging out. One time when The Stones were coming to town and he brought a ticket. The show was in Downtown Detroit. He got lost (which was fairly common) and asked for directions, the catch was-nobody could understand him, and even if he had been smart enough to just show them the ticket I'm still not sure he would have gotten the directions right (due to what is about to be revealed in #3). Anyway, he ended up at Silverdome, which is about 45 minutes outside of the city and never saw The Stones.
  3. He purchased a Newspaper everyday and would get to work early, sit in his car drink Mountain Dew and pretend to read the paper. Notice how I say pretend, because he could not actually read. This is why driving new places was so difficult for him. He had no idea what letters/words should actually sound like (granted it would be extremely hard for him based on his physical impairment) and so he frequently missed street signs and ended up completely lost.
Why I told this whole story to illustrate my point, I have no idea. I'm still pretty hopped up on medications (read: Pain Killers since it's the only thing that is helping) and not much I'm doing is making that much sense. But my point is, the Big Mac World Champion (or whatever), is definitely a few fries short of a Happy Meal.

*I'm NOT saying southerns are stupid in any way, shape or form. What I'm saying is that southerners talk slowly and for a fast talking "yankee" (as I've recently been called) slow talking in generally perceived to be one of 2 things, and being southern is the other one.

**I'm in no way mocking this man, in fact when my mom and I talk about him both of us will get all "emotional" on occasion, I'm simply telling this story because I think it's illustrates my point. I would also like to point out that the fact that there are members of our society that are so left out is a shame.

***Unless he got pissed off and then from what I gather it was quite the funny display that nodody could understand.

****The really f*cked up part was that he a younger sister who was extremely mentally challenged and the father had her sterilized and my parents always thought it was because he was sexually abusing her and didn't want to end up impregnanting her. Yeah, people are f*cking sick.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Super Size Me! Discussion Excerpts

Gay Husband: did i tell you what my conclusion from it was?

Elle Woods:
did you want to eat mcdonalds?

Gay Husband:
haha, no

Elle Woods:
because i def ate it the next day, and a lot of people I know did the same.

Elle Woods: I was talking to [Friend in Marketing] and she was telling me what good advertising it turned out to be for McDonald's

Gay Husband:
however, they kept saying that people can safely eat fast food once a week

Gay Husband:
and i don't eat fast food that often right now

Gay Husband:
so apparently i can have more


Elle Woods:

Elle Woods:
that guy who eats big macs everyday

Elle Woods:
his hair

Gay Husband:
haha, i know

Gay Husband:
i was dying during his part

Gay Husband:
i don't know who could eat that every day

Elle Woods:
he also seems to have some sort of mental problem

Gay Husband:
um, honey, he's just southern

Elle Woods:

Random Rant

Ok, here's the thing. I love my mom to death. Since I reached the age of 12 and became more mature then my father my Mom has really been the only parent I've gotten along with. While I respect what my father does for our family and the effort that he puts forth we just do not get along.

My Mom and I hang out together, go shopping, go to bars, flirt with guys and cause general havoc. A friend once remarked "You think [Elle] is crazy, you should she her and her Mom together." We both like to have a good time and usually let loose around each other.

Lately I've taken to calling her by her first name since I look at her more as a friend then a mom. My dad has a real problem with this, he claims it's because it "shows lack of respect." I think it's because he knows I'd never be close enough with him to call him by his first name. Plus, he knows I respect my mom way more then I respect him so that kinda puts his theory out the window.

Since I've been sick my Mom has really been baby-ing me. The dropping off the prescriptions, calling every 3 hours to check on me, and of course-bringing soup by. It's not that I don't greatly appreciate it-I do. But, when she freaked out about the aspirin in the cupboard I got slightly annoyed.

I mentioned when she was over dropping off soup that I was starting to feel really bad and thinking about taking something since my fever had been so high. She looked in the medicine cabinet and flipped out because all she saw was aspirin, which she claimed, causes Reye's Syndrome in "People my age." First of all, there was also motrin, tylenol, aleve and xanax (which I offered to her in the hopes she'd calm down). I had no intention of taking the aspirin and yet it's presence made her flip out. Hey, Mom, ever think about the fact that I get headaches daily and take different things for them?

All of the over mothering suddenly made sense. Despite the fact that I'm 22 she still thinks I'm a child, or at best an adolescent. I guess I understand the whole "your kids are your babies no matter how old they are" thing, but I'm a college graduate and a second year law student; eventually she'll have to let go.

The whole over mothering thing has gotten worse as my brother has grown more independent. He used to love to be babied and so I got off easy. Now he's gone all the time and most likely going to college in California next year so that just leaves me for my Mom to baby. It's so weird to come home from college and have the time I spend with my mom divided up between drinking, dining, shopping and then being babied. I really thought we were peers but apparently I will just always be her "Princess"-yes, my mom calls me "Princess"-don't act so surprised.

Whatever, I'm just being whiney since I like to be left alone when I'm sick and my mom has not exactly been doing that.

Sicker by the day...

Despite yesterday's plans to the contrary when my fever hit 103.5 last night I conceded that I would stay home from work today. I'm sitting here in bed GOING INSANE. Maybe if I had cable in my room it'd be a bit better, but I do not-so I am just bored.

When I try to clean I get dizzy and need to lay back down. Reading and outlining are laughable right now. Let's not forget the shooting pains I'm having in abdomen and back, those are fun. I'm also enjoying that I've stopped being able to keep food/water/digestive fluids down.

I think the most sickening part of all of this is that I'm more worried about whether I'll loose my job/take shit at work/get really behind (as if I'm not already) as a result of all this.

Expect a ton of posts today ranting about articles on the internet or something of that nature as I have nothing better to do.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

"Doctor, Doctor, Give me the News, I've got a Bad Case of Lovin' You"

Well, My Doctor's appointment that my mom insisted on was worse then expected.

I got scolded by the 4th year med student and the Doctor about my work/school/sleep habits (or lack there of). As if my mother hadn't already berated me on the same grounds. My doctor gave me a prescription and told me "it probably won't help", of course I inquired why he was giving it to me then and he replied:

Well, this way if you feel better it was just some kind of infection, let's hope it's that (notice how he has no idea what it could be). I'm 99% sure you have mono based on your temperature, lymphnodes, tiredness, and the fact that you're peeing blood (sorry for sharing that one dearest readers); but if I do the blood test I'm going to have to order you to stay home from work and school and I know you won't do that; so if you get really sick come back here, give us a call, or go to an emergency room.

As I walked out the door he added "ohh and no alcoholic beverages." Great, how am I supposed to "cope" with "my life" now?

I slept all afternoon, with the exception of when my mom dropped off my Prescription (I know that makes me seem like a whiney baby that my mom went out of her way on her way home from work, however, in my own defense-she did it on her own, I didn't even ask her-In fact, I have no idea how she found out where I had dropped off my Prescription at on my way home from the doctors). She told me I need to stay home from work tomorrow and I mumbled something about her "being crazy" and that "I was going to get up and clean my room in a few minutes" and "I'm going into work tomorrow no matter what you say" (I repeated this one like 5 times as I passed back out...So basically, I sounded a little nuts.

I don't see how I can tell my boss I can't come in because I have mono (or some weird infection) when I'm just finishing up my 2nd week of work. I guess I'll suck it up tomorrow and if it gets really bad I'll just fake a nervous breakdown or something.

UPDATE: I realized all that whining I did about being tired wasn't me being "whiney" but was rather me coming down with mono.

"I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell."

I have a fever of 102, my lymphnodes are also the size of golf balls. I feel ok other then that I'm sweating while sitting doing nothing, my muscles are sore, my throat is also a little sore.

I fully planned on going to school, my mother put her foot down. So I sent my profs an e-mail that said: I won't be in class today, as I have a 102 degree fever and my mother is forcing me to go to see a doctor.

The return e-mails I got perfectly illustrated my professors personas.

Family Law:
"I completely agree with your mother and would not want you sitting in my class with a fever like that. Take some time to rest and I hope you're feeling better soon."

Employment Discrimination:
"Just 102? What's more important? Your health or my employment discrimination class? Feel better soon."

Tax: "Ok. Do what your mother says."

(I didn't waste my time e-mailing my con law prof since he doesn't care at all anyway).

Dirty Joke

I saw this post and it reminded me of my favorite "One Hit Wonder" song, and the dirty joke I heard once pretaining to it.

I was at the Warped Tour when I was a youth (maybe 15) and the lead singer of Save Ferris told this joke as an intro to a song.

What's worse then Grease on Olivia Newton John?...Cum on Eileen.

Wednesday, November 9, 2005

It's not my fault-I was born this way!

I used to think I was bad driver because I'm severely A.D.D. and do not take medication for it. Now my dad is undoubtably the worlds worst driver, and the other dad I realized my mom's driving leaves something to be desired. That was when it hit, me-it's genetic. My dad can't drive, my mom can't drive, I can't drive, and my little brother also cannot drive.

My mom's inability to drive became apparent on a shopping expedition this weekend when we had to park in a parking structure. Now, granted, I park in a structure daily, but it's not as if parking structures are really that hard to figure out-they're all pretty much designed the same. The ramps take you up to find more spaces, and then the ramps bring you down to exit. This was a nice mall so there were even signs designating "PARK" and "EXIT"-not really rocket science here.

So after my mother has:

  • Almost gotten hit 8 times
  • Ended up on a down ramp somehow when I had instructed her to go up to park
  • Slammed on the breaks for every overhead beam in the fear that it would take off the top her her Jeep Grand Cherokee
  • Passed 4 spots when I was instructing her "I think there's one right there"

I ask her: "Do you understand how parking structures work?" (Being smart-assed)


I realize I need to back off so I just keep my mouth shut. Even when she couldn't fit her car into the space that a Hummer had been parked in I didn't say anything. However, ever since then everytime I pull into a structute I wonder 3 things.

  1. How could she think the roof of her car was going to hit the ceilings when Hummers fit into the garage?
  2. How bad of a parker are you if you cannot fit a "normal sized" SUV into a spot that a Tank could fit into?
  3. How can someone who has been driving for going on 30 years be that clueless when it comes to parking structures? I've been driving for 6 years and even though I drive in them daily (for the last year or so) I refuse to believe that I have more experience with them.

Tuesday, November 8, 2005

Watch me take this on down the road...

Today I found out there is an einstein brothers bagel within walking distance (a mile) of campus. Back in undergrad I used to be obsessed with their Tasty Turkey sandwich, I would go there at least once a week and get one. So naturally, when I heard there was one I decided I would go and grab a Tasty Turkey, I convinced a friend to come along and we were on our way.

I order my sandwich and everything was going well, and then I went to pay. Apparently they do not take charge. I was distressed since I couldn't find my student ID and didn't want to ask my guy friend to pay. I cancelled my order and we walked back to school. After con law I dug into my purse to find something and low and behold, my student ID. I check the einstein brothers website, it says they are open until 6pm. I decide, "what the heck, you've got nothing to do" so I walk back.

I get within 30 feet and realize they are in fact closed, I walk up the door and the sign says they close at 3pm. Now, I am boycotting einstein brothers for putting false information on their website and not taking credit cards.

I decide then think "Hey Starbucks is open, even though you've already had 3 shots of espresso today what's 3 more...That's almost like food." I walk in, and there is a line 30 people long. Needless to say, I did not have the patience to wait.

On my walk back some random guy standing with a group of friends starts hitting on me and asking for my number. First of all, this pissed me off since I'm wearing a sweatshirt and look like hell today. Second, I just do not like to be bothered. I looked at him and in a rare moment for me responded in a whitty manner.

I'm a full time law student who also works 30 hours a week. I don't have time for some guys Bullshit and I refuse to be dicked around as it is a waste of valuable time. If you want to take me on a proper date you can call me and we will talk and I will consider it. I would also like to inform you in advance, in the interest of not wasting valuable time, that I am: High Maintenance, Whiney, and am sick of asshole guys who dick me around. If any of this sounds interesting to you, you're welcome to my phone number; however, I highly doubt it does-so I will be walking away now.

Shockingly, he did not want my phone number.

Monday, November 7, 2005

"Tryin' to take it easy, Only way to go, And So..."

As proof that I'm not mature enough to do this whole work/school thing I offer 2 pieces of evidence.

Exhibit A: Despite hating the song at first I have come to like the new Black Eyed Peas song My Humps...Seriously, I know it's bad-but I still love it.

Exhibit B: My other favorite song right now is Soul Survivor by Young Jeezy featuring Akon...But with lyrics like:

'Cuz if you lookin' for me you you can find me
On the block disobeyin' the law
Real G--therobred from the streets
Pants saggin' with my gun in my draws
Just to keep on movin' now

How could I not love it?

I SO blame my little brother for this...Him, or the 2 hours a day I spend in the car listening to the radio (not like I don't have a CD Player). When I'm in the car I tend to listen to the most outlandish music ever, sing/scream the lyrics at the top of my lungs, and dance around my seat. I find it therapeutic and like the thought that I usually make someone laugh on the way home since other drivers probably crack up when they see me.

Last time I swear...

I know I've been complaining incessantly about how I am stressed out from work, have no social life, and how tired I've been. I promise this will be the last post of this nature (for a while at least)...However, being that I'm working 30 hours a week and taking 14 credits (4 classes) I think I have bit of a right to complain as I get settled in.

I knew it was going to be rough taking all this on. Everyone asked me how I planned to balance it all, I didn't really have an answer since I'm not much of a "planner." I suppose if I had a schedule I could make myself stick to and hadn't have a TON of stuff to do around my place before I even started work the transition would have been smoother. I knew there would be sacrifices, I just didn't realize I wasn't exactly ready to make them. I wish was I was disciplined as this guy, but the simple fact is that I'm 22 and not mature enough to make some of the sacrifices I really need to without a little bitching. Granted, even at my young age I have already done my fair share of partying, but I simply wasn't ready to give up my relaxed lifestyle just yet.

On the plus side, I was WAY less tired today at the end of the day despite getting less sleep then I usually average (about 6 hours if I'm lucky). Getting up to register was rough but I managed.

The other plus is that next term I'm only taking 12 credits (Evidence, Professional Responsibility, Criminal Procedure 2, and Conflicts of Law)-however, I'm going to work more.

Saturday, November 5, 2005

Work Makes You Boring

I've often claimed that law school makes me boring (not really here so much, but in my real life).

But, after this week of work/school despite having made plans earlier in the week to go out I'm just too tired.

Friday, November 4, 2005

I will survive...

I made it through my first week of work/school. I'm exhausted and now I'm drunk. I also have files that I need to go over but I'm thinking they'll wait until tomorrow morning.

I'm stressed, I'm upset, and I almost cried today. I've been dealing with a case that hits a little too close to my aunts death. Not to mention we're at fault and I'm trying to lessen damages. It's the first case I've handled where we were actually at fault and it's harder then I thought it would be. I guess it's good. I'd rather it be hard then something I don't think anything about anymore.

I probably shouldn't even be blogging about this so I'll just end this post here.

UPDATE: I cried for like 4 hours last night and I feel so much better. Granted I still have files to look over today and I have to go into work tomorrow but deciding not to go into the office today was a good call.

Thursday, November 3, 2005

A sobering thought...

It has been about one year since I voted in my first Presidential Election (I wasn't old enough in 2000). I started to think about all that has happened (Don't think I didn't get some help from Wiki for this list...and yes I know that these are world events-but such is the character of our nation that we are effected by it).

November 2 - U.S. presidential election: President George W. Bush defeats Senator John Kerry. Republicans make gains in the House and Senate. Voters in 11 states adopt anti "same sex marriage" amendments.

November 7 - U.S. forces launch a major assault on the Iraqi town of Fallujah, in an effort to rid the area of insurgents before the Iraqi elections in January

November 12 - Jury finds Scott Peterson guilty of murder of his wife Laci and unborn son, Connor

November 13 - After six days of intense battles, Iraqi town of Fallujah fully occupied by U.S. forces.

November 14 - American Secretary of State Colin Powell submits his resignation. He is replaced by Condoleezza Rice after her confirmation from the United States Congress.

November 21 - Final round of presidential election in Ukraine. Official winner: Viktor Yanukovych. International election observers express severe criticism, and large crowds gather in a protest rally in Kiev. 12 days later, the Supreme Court annuls the result, and a new poll is scheduled.

November 26 - A group of Iraqi political leaders, primarily from Sunni and Kurdish parties, advocate a six-month delay in popular elections scheduled for January 2005.

December 3 - The Colombian government extradites Gilberto Rodríguez Orejuela, one of the most powerful drug dealers of the world, arrested in 1995 and 2003, to the United States.

December 6 - Terrorists attack the U.S. consulate in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, killing several people.

December 7 - Guitarist Darrell Lance "Dimebag Darell" Abbott, of Pantera and Damageplan fame, is gunned down during a performance in Columbus, OH.

December 8 - The biggest Chinese PC producer Lenovo announces its plan to purchase IBM's global PC business, making it the third largest world PC maker after Dell and Hewlett-Packard.

December 11 - Tests show that Ukrainian opposition presidential candidate Viktor Yushchenko was poisoned with a large dose of dioxin.

December 16 - The House of Lords rules that the British Government breaches human rights legislation by detaining without trial foreign nationals suspected of being terrorists.

December 26 - A village near the coast of Sumatra lies in ruins after the December 26 tsunami.The strongest earthquake in 40 years originates from the Indian Ocean off the west coast of Sumatra island in Indonesia, measuring 9.3 on the Richter Scale and creating tsunami tidal waves that sweep across much of the coastlines of Sri Lanka, India, Bangladesh, the Maldives, Burma, Thailand, Malaysia and Indonesia. At least 290,000 people from South Asia to as far as Somalia in Africa are confirmed to be dead.

December 26 - The re-run of the second round of the Ukrainian presidential election takes place. Opposition candidate Viktor Yushchenko is declared the victor.

December 31 - Ukrainian Prime Minister Viktor Yanukovich resigns.

December 31 - Dick Clark unable to host "New Year's Rocking Eve" due to throat cancer.

January 3 - Assassination of the Governor of Baghdad, Ali Al-Haidri.

January 9 - Mahmoud Abbas is elected to succeed Yasser Arafat as Palestinian Authority president in the Palestinian election.

January 23 - Viktor Yushchenko is sworn in as the third President of Ukraine in Kiev, Ukraine.

January 30 - The first free Parliamentary elections in Iraq since 1958 take place.

February 10 - North Korea announces that it possesses nuclear weapons as a protection against the hostility it feels from the United States.

February 10 - Saudi Arabia holds its first ever elections for municipal authorities, in which only men are allowed to vote.

February 16 - The National Hockey League cancels its 2004-2005 season becoming the first North American professional league to cancel a season due to a labour dispute.

February 19 - Suicide bombers kill more than 30 people in Iraq as Shia Muslims mark Ashura, their holiest day.

February 25 The Serial Killer Dennis Rader is apprehended by Wichita Police and the KBI.

March 1 - The U.S. Supreme Court rules the death penalty unconstitutional for juveniles who committed their crimes under age 18.

March 20 - At least 250 people in Japan are injured and at least one killed by when a magnitude 7 earthquake struck west of Kyushu Island, just 9km (5.5 miles) below the ocean floor.

March 21 - 10 killed in the Red Lake High School massacre in Minnesota, the worst school shooting since the Columbine High School massacre.

March 23 - The United States' 11th Circuit Court of Appeals' 2-1 decision refuses to order the reinsertion of Terri Schiavo's feeding tube.

March 24 - The Tulip Revolution in Kyrgyzstan reaches its climax with the overthrow of president Askar Akayev. The crowd calling for his removal storms the Government House and riots occur throughout the capital city.

March 26 - The Taiwanese government called on 1 million Taiwanese to demonstrate in Taipei in opposition to the Anti-Secession Law of Mainland China. Around 200 000 to 300 000 attended the walk.

March 28 - The 2005 Sumatran earthquake struck off Sumatra, 3 months after the 2004 Indian Ocean earthquake. At a magnitude of 8.7 it is the second largest earthquake since 1965.

April 1 - Newsanchor Peter Jennings hosts what will turn out to be his final World News Tonight telecast.

April 9 - Tens of thousands of demonstrators, many of them supporters of Shia cleric Moqtada Sadr, marched through Baghdad denouncing the U.S. occupation of Iraq, two years after the fall of Saddam Hussein, and rallied in the square where his statue was toppled in 2003.

April 9 - The marriage of The Prince of Wales and Camilla Parker Bowles takes place. Camilla assumes the titles Her Royal Highness and The Duchess of Cornwall.

April 16 - President Lucio Gutierrez of Ecuador declared a state of emergency in the capital city and dissolved the Supreme Court.

April 19 - Joseph Ratzinger elected Pope Benedict XVI on the second day of the Papal conclave.

May 4 - In one of the largest insurgent attacks in Iraq to date, at least 60 people have been killed and dozens wounded in a suicide bombing at a Kurdish police recruitment center in Irbil, northern Iraq.

May 5 - The United Kingdom votes in the 2005 general election. The Labour Party is re-elected with a substantially reduced majority.

May 10 - A live hand grenade lands about 100 feet (30 m) from United States President George W. Bush while he is giving a speech to a crowd in Tbilisi, Georgia, but malfunctions and does not detonate.

May 16 - George Galloway appears before a U.S. Senate committee, to answer allegations of making money from the Iraqi Oil-for-Food Programme.

June 13 - Singer Michael Jackson acquitted of all charges of harming children (see 2005 trial of Michael Jackson).

June 17 - A 6.7 aftershock,which followed a 5.3 earthquake the previous day, hits California making it the fourth earthquake since June 12 in California.

June 23 - The San Antonio Spurs win the NBA World Championship title.

June 30 - MTV Networks launches LGBT-themed LOGO channel in the U.S..

June 30 - Spain joins Belgium and the Netherlands in permitting same-sex marriage.

July 2 - Live 8, a series of 10 simultaneous concerts take place throughout the world, raising interest in the Make Poverty History campaign.

July 7 - Four explosions rock the transport network in London, three on the London Underground and one on a bus. Over 50 deaths were reported, and over 200 injured.

July 7 - Al-Qaeda admits to the killing of Egypt's Ambassador, Ihab al-Sherif.

July 10 - Hurricane Dennis strikes near Navarre Beach, Florida as a Category 3 storm killing 10 people, after killing over 50 people in the Caribbean.

July 16 - Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, the sixth book of the Harry Potter saga by the British writer J. K. Rowling, is released.

July 19 - President Bush nominates Appeals Court Judge John G. Roberts, Jr. to the United States Supreme Court, following the retirement of Sandra Day O'Connor.

July 20 - Canada's Civil Marriage Act, legalizing same-sex marriage, receives Royal Assent.

July 24 - Lance Armstrong wins a record seventh straight Tour de France before his scheduled retirement.

August 29 - At least 1,300 are killed, and severe damage is caused along the U.S. Gulf Coast, as Hurricane Katrina strikes the Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama coastal areas. Within hours, levees give way and New Orleans is flooded.

September 1 - Oil prices rise sharply following economic effects of Hurricane Katrina.

September 19 - North Korea agrees to stop building nuclear weapons in exchange for aid and cooperation.

September 24 - Hurricane Rita hits the US Gulf Coast. The 9th Ward section of New Orleans floods for the 2nd time in a month and a half. Louisiana, Mississippi, Texas, and Alabama are also affected.

September 28 - American politician Tom DeLay is indicted on charges of criminal conspiracy by a Texas grand jury.

September 29 - John G. Roberts, Jr. is confirmed and sworn in as Chief Justice of the United States.

October 4 - Hurricane Stan hits Mexico and Central America with 80 mph of winds and kills over 600 people.

October 5 - Flight Lieutenant Malcolm Kendall-Smith charged with refusing to serve in the Iraq war.

October 8 - An earthquake measuring 7.6 on the Moment magnitude scale hits Northern Pakistan, killing about 80,000 people, see 2005 Kashmir earthquake.

October 19 - The Trials of Saddam Hussein begin.

October 19 - Hurricane Wilma swells into a Category 5 storm.

October 22 - Tropical Storm Alpha forms making the 2005 Atlantic hurricane season the most active on record.

October 28 - Vice presidential adviser Lewis Libby resigns after being charged with obstruction of justice, perjury and making a false statement in the CIA leak investigation.

October 30 - Hurricane Beta hits the coast of Nicaragua. It is the 13th hurricane of 2005, breaking the 1969 record of 12 hurricanes.

October 31 - President George W. Bush nominates Third Circuit judge Samuel Alito for the Supreme Court of the United States.

November 1 - The Prince of Wales and The Duchess of Cornwall arrive in the United States for a state visit, their first overseas tour since their marriage.

November 1 - U.S. Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid and his fellow Democrats force a closed session of the Senate over the Lewis Libby indictment.

November 2 - Thousands attend the funeral of Rosa Parks in Detroit, Michigan.


November 29 - John Drew Barrymore

December 26 - Reggie White

December 28 - Jerry Orbach

January 1 - Shirley Chisholm

January 23 - Johnny Carson

February 10 - Arthur Miller

February 20 - Sandra Dee

February 20 - Hunter S. Thompson

March 29 - Johnnie Cochran

March 29 - Johnnie Cochran

April 2 - Pope John Paul II

April 9 - Andrea Dworkin

June 6 - Anne Bancroft

July 1 - Luther Vandross

August 7 - Peter Jennings

September 2 - Bob Denver

September 3 - William Rehnquist

October 24 - Rosa Parks