Shopping Spree

In the past 2 days I've ordered:

• a pair of black pants
• a black suit
• a black jacket
  
• a pair of grey pants
• a grey suit
• a grey cardigan
• a pair of white pants
  
• a white cardigan

Apparently not only am I developing an shopping addiction, but I've also developed a phobia of color.

Pre-Black Friday Shopping

I accidentally just bought¹ a $80 pair of Calvin Klein jeans. I also proceeded to have them altered while I waited since I really wanted to wear them tonight and all designer jeans are about 5'' too long for me even in heels. I know Calvin Klein isn't the "hippest" designer anymore, but I refused to spend over $100 and didn't want something with a bunch of random designs on it (which would make it obvious if I re-wore them). Sadly, buying jeans was basically the highlight of my week.

I also ordered business cards yesterday. I guess that is exciting. They say "The Law Office of [Elle Woods]". And by office I mean, desk in the corner of my room with a laptop on it.

¹Or convinced my mom to buy as an early Christmas present.

Trashy.

Something about Disposable Underwear that doesn't sit well with me. Mainly I think it's that I've been trying to be environmentally friendly lately, going so far as to switch to Diva Cup since I didn't want the waste from tampons.

The commercial I saw marketed using a slogan along the lines of "easier than doing laundry". While I can't say I've never bought new underwear rather than do laundry, I didn't see a reason for that new underwear to be disposable. Eventually you're going to have to do laundry (unless you have a disposable wardrobe), and I just washed all the underwear then.

The other way I've seen them marketed is as underwear for use after a one-night-stand. I kinda feel that the type of girl who has a one-night-stand won't care if they have to go panty-less.

I guess people could use them for travel, but it's not like underwear takes up a lot of room in a bag.

I have finally figured out what I want to do with my life.

I am going to be Britney Spears' Manager, being that she recently fired hers' and is in desperate need of a life coach. I know you're thinking "Elle, are you really such a great influence?" Yes I am, this is Britney we're talking about. I'm pretty sure Joe Francis giving her advice would be better than her following her instincts.

I have never dropped a child, I don't have any failed marriages let alone two, I have never worn cowboy boots (over and over), I realize that a midriff is not exactly proper attire for a mother of two to dawn in public, I don't have substance abuse issues, and while I do appreciate a good Howie Day song now and again I get that maybe he is not the best way to rehab¹ her image right now.

Plus as a bonus qualification, in my rebellious (punky) youth I shaved my head and realize that it is not necessary to wear a wig and a hat. One or the other will suffice. Additionally I can offer assistance picking out cute edgy short haircuts once her hair is long enough.



And above all, I realize that geraniums are not appropriate nipple coverings. [Link].

¹Rehab. Ha. Ha.

Done.

The title says it all kids.

Now I just have take care of the 8 million personal things that have been piling up, clean since the floor-robe I've been cultivating is a little squalorish, kick ass in an interview Friday, work all next week, modify a velour Renaissance Painters Hat so it can be worn on the crown of my head in the most flattering way possible and wear a ridiculous outfit at graduation which includes said Renaissance Painters Hat.

Dear Penelope,

Nice Couture. Too bad I liked it better the first time I saw it. In 2004.

Hugs and Kisses,

Elle Woods and Every Other Sex and the City Viewer.

I've Been Working for [Hours] for WAY too Long.

I just finished watching The Devil Wears Prada. How sick is it that I thought Andrea (Anna Hathaway's character) was whiney and didn't think Miranda (the "evil" boss played by Meryl Streep) was that bad?

Typical.

So I made it almost 3 days without wireless (really only one when I was around) before I caved. I returned a pair of shoes I'd recently bought...Seriously I chose something over shoes, that is a first for me, and it's not even summer when I can use my computer outside.

Anyway, I bought the new router and then I had to go about installing it. I should note here that my last one was installed my a gracious friend who allowed me to pay him in homemade lasagna and white russians.

So I set about installing it. Filled with false confidence, since my dad as assured me that you just pop in the CD and follow the steps.

Everything is going great, until I get to the part where I setup the wireless. I try twice on my laptop. Twice on the desktop. Each time the hangup is that I don't know the username or password. By this time I've read through all the paperwork, no mention of a username or password.

Then I hassled aLs for a bit. No help at all, just as I suspected.

Finally I call tech-support for the router which is supposed to be offered "at a reasonable price." I pulled out my junior lawyer card, told them I was missing my username and password and as such I should not be charged for tech support since it was their fault I didn't said information.

Next the guy asks for the serial number, and tells me to check the bottom of the router for it, at which time I notice the username and password are clearly printed just under the serial number.

Luckily I wasn't charged and I am again able to use my computer in bed without the fear of being strangled.

Irony...

[ASSociate]: Why are you taking your shoes off?

Elle Woods: Because I'm going to walk over to [place] and I keep flip flops in my drawer, then if I have to walk around in the city I don't have to do it in heels.

[ASSociate]: Sounds like a great idea. I know just what you mean, walking in heels kills my feet.

Elle Woods: I will assume that was a joke since you really do not seem like the drag type.

Cut to me walking back to the office from [place], roughly 6-7 blocks from my office. All of a sudden I almost fall over. I look down to see what non-existent obstable I'd tripped over this time since I'm always super graceful only to see a broken flip flop. I try to walk with it still broken and I realize I will fall over if I keep this up. So I walk back to my office barefoot. Disgusting. Dis-Gust-Ing. Plus everyone was looking at me like I was a crazy person, so to prove them wrong I kept telling random people "there is a perfectly logical explanation as to why I'm barefoot" which in retrospect, most likely made me look even more insane.

Dear Kayne,

I want my sweater back. It's been missing and after I came across the picture below the only plausible excuse is that you stole it.

You might be fooling the others, but I know it's my Ralph Lauren Cable Knit Sweater in Geranium that you've been sporting.

Just return it as soon as you managed to climb off whatever groupie you're banging as you watch porn (like the sex addict you are) all the while telling her how awesome you, your albums, your producing skills are, and how lucky is she to be with such a humble guy.

Hugs and Kisses,
Elle Woods

P.S.-Try not to get anything on it...please.

P.P.S.-If I find out my white one is missing I'm coming after you.

Retracted...

Previously I admitted my helplessness to gigantic sunglasses, being that it's all you can find these days thanks to a certain Starlette and some of her friends. However, After seeing this picture...

It's on Nicole, this has just gotten ridiculous, at least the pairs you used to wear were semi-cute in a "they cover 1/2 your face" sort of way. You have left me with 2 options:

1. Becoming an eyewear designer.
2. Finally getting those damn prescription sunglasses, since I'm hoping you can still get those in normal sizes.

Between these sunglasses, skinny jeans, leggings, formal shorts, and pants under dresses I'm convinced the world is going insane. Whatever, back to evidence.

Dear Nicole Richie,

I give up. You win.

Hugs and Kisses,
Elle Woods

P.S.-Please take this concession into consideration when you choose your sunglasses for next summer so that maybe next year I can buy sunglasses that don't cover 1/2 my face.

Prep For a Wake

Elle Woods: Gram, are you wearing jeans or slacks to this?

Gram: I can't decide.

Elle Woods: Me either.

Gram: I want to wear my white shoes but they'll look weird with jeans, don't you?

Elle Woods: No, I think that's cute.

Gram: Ok then I'll wear my boot cut jeans, new white shoes, a white shirt and my coral blazer.

Elle Woods: Ok well if you're wearing jeans so will I...With my new white shoes, a white shirt and a pink blazer.

Grandpa: I think I'll wear a dress.

Sometimes, You Buy White Pumps...

Because sometimes you want to pretend you work for a white shoe firm...

"Whoever said orange was the new pink was seriously disturbed."

I just tried to buy a new black purse since the trusty Prada one is starting to look a little beat up. I didn't want to spend a fortune, so I decided I'd go to Marshall Field's and try to find a reasonably priced simple black medium sized purse.

What I saw was without a doubt the worst assault to my senses since, well, evidence class on Monday. First off, who wants to carry a bag with "Hobo" in the description. And second, (and even worse) practically every bag was either trimmed with or made of solid gold leather and then accented with metal disks that looked like they'd been put on by a Be-Dazzler.

It is looking as if my best option is going to be going to the Coach store and getting a simple black bag, which will cost way more then what I wanted to spend, but at least it won't hurt my eyes and be out of style next year.

Yes, They're Still in Style.

Today I wore a pair of shoes for the first time. I bought them over 3 years ago.

"Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet and Watch"

I got new 2 new pairs of glasses yesterday. They are fabulous. The purchase of these 2 new pairs is making me think I'm replacing my shoe fetish for eyewear. I now own 5 pairs of glasses and 5 pairs of sunglasses (4 regular and 1 prescription), all of which I wear.

Dear Random 1L,

I know law school seems like high school. Particularly 1L year when you have classes with the same 95 people all day long everyday. Legal writing is a welcome break where you only have to see 24 people who you see EVERY .SINGLE . DAY. However; despite the lockers, attendance policies, seating charts, and gossip; I assure you law school is not actually high school. Everyone here is mature of legal age and nobody really needs to be told what to do, particularly by some 1L who clearly is a little high strung. I write you this since apparently you did not understand that you have better things to be worrying about (like checking for your torts grade for the 87th time-don't worry, it isn't there, but you should check just to be on the safe side; or start outlining for finals, you should get a jump on it now before the Appellate Brief writing starts getting heavy and you get behind on it) then to tell me what I can and cannot do in the library. I had a stressful day at work and if I want to kick back, take off my shoes, put my feet up, enjoy a bottle of water and a cup of coffee, I sure as hell can. I don't need you threatening to go tell the librarian's on me for having a beverage in the library. And contrary to popular belief, there isn't a "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service" Policy in the library...Just as the 3L's who got caught hooking up in the stairwell last year. I really don't know what your deal was but I really suggest you seek professional help if what I was doing was that bothersome to you.

All My Love,
Elle Woods

P.S.-I could see you having a right to complain if I was doing this and my feet smelled, were ugly, or were not pedicured...However, that is not the case, so get over it.

P.P.S.-Never mess with people who wear business casual to law school on a daily basis. We have jobs (most likely at a law firm) and being that you'll never be in the top 10% (since you're wasting time all sorts of time you should be using to study trying to tell people what they can do in the library) you might want to gain some favor with us now.

"I promised myself I wouldn't unintentionally commercialize it."

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I sold out and put up ads. Such is life. Once I found out you could make them match your template so it wouldn't look totally trashy I was sold.

Think what you will but I have a car payment, (and a $276 dollar a month car insurance bill-yes I am the worst driver ever), credit card debt from undergrad still lingering, a gym membership, a laptop bill (yes I know I should just pay that off but I'm not that smart and technically I have 2 laptop bills since I'm still paying on the one whose screen I stepped on and who had to be replaced), and of course the wonderful loans from undergrad to pay for.

Not to mention having to pay for wine, shoes, bags, new work clothes, netflix, bar tabs, eating out between work and school 4 nights a week, and last but not least-coke.

So being that I entertain you on a Hourly Daily Fairly Regular Semi Regular basis I think I should be rewarded.

"I've spent $40,000 on shoes and I have no place to live? I will literally be the old woman who lived in her shoes!"

How bad is it that earlier tonight I found a pair of shoes I brought this spring in my closet as I re-organized and I had completely forgotten I even bought them. They are literally BRAND NEW.

The sad part is they're sandals so they'll have to wait until next spring to make their debut (unless some handsome gentleman sweeps me off my feet and takes me on a tropical getaway this winter...ok, stop laughing, I get that I won't be wearing them until it's warm again-but a girl can dream).

The even sadder part is that 2 of my favorite pairs of shoes are M.I.A.-at least they're sandals so I know I have time to find them.