Guess who rocks at HTML? Yup, that would be me. Apparently I'm super cool and managed to make it so the haloscan comment link shows up on the mainpage but if you click on the link to just seen an individual post you can leave a comment there through blogger. AWESOME. Simply Awesome.
UPDATE: I got the blogger comments to disappear since I'm super smart and all, but now when you look at an individual post you can't see the comments (nor is there a link to them)...you have to be on the main page. If I wasn't so anal (Hello Googlers) it wouldn't bother me so much. At least I come by it honestly, my grandma doesn't like people to walk across the snow in the yard since she likes it "pristine."
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Guess who rocks at HTML? Yup, that would be me. Apparently I'm super cool and managed to make it so the haloscan comment link shows up on the mainpage but if you click on the link to just seen an individual post you can leave a comment there through blogger. AWESOME. Simply Awesome.
Actually, it's almost 6 a.m. and really I'm just up because I can't sleep. Bonus that when I called the "special male friend" at 4 a.m. he was up and willing to talk despite having to work at 9 a.m.-but who wouldn't want to talk to me. I was drunk earlier tonight (the "special male friend" had to deal with me then also-he said his strategy was just getting me into bed), now I'm like 1/2 drunk, 1/2 hungover and wondering if McDonald's is open for breakfast yet.
It's kinda sad that "special male friend" does not have the same ring as "special lady friend." I suppose I could use "boyfriend" but I hate that word, and I'm not willing to switch to the other team just so I can use a cooler phrase-I'd much rather do that for the purpose of pornography. After writing that sentence I'm wondering if I should even drive to McDonald's...Ehh, whatever it's across the street and I know I've driven drunker-as if that is a good excuse. Wow, I know what you're thinking right now...Is this what her internal monologue sounds like? The answer is yes.
Tonight I got 2 drunken IMs from bloggers (well one is an ex-blogger I suppose). And the other wasn't really a shocker.
Seriously what moron didn't put the hours for McDonald's on the website. Now I'm like 3/4th hungover and want the damn hashbrown and breakfast sandwich that I was deprived of the other day.
Whatever, I'm out.
Friday, December 30, 2005
So my secretary is a really nice lady, albeit weird, but nice. She's really excited because we got the same Ipod for Christmas, today she showed me how she had downloaded the My Humps video (mind you, she has a 13 year old daughter so I'm guessing she's 40). The thing is, she has no idea how to work said Ipod. She's been trying to add CD's by clicking add folder or something, I have no idea, all I know is that when I explained to her how you're supposed to do it she claimed we had different versions of iTunes because hers did not have an "Import CD" button.
So, since I felt really bad she was having so much trouble with it and since her daughter is sick I gave her to my cell phone number so she could call me this weekend if she had questions. Now, in theory we should still be at work, but the partner who took my office sent us all home early for the Holiday today. Since I got home about 90 minutes ago she's already called me twice with things unrelated to adding songs to said Ipod. (Granted they were Ipod related but whatever). I'm figuring she'll call me when I'm drunk at least one time this weekend, so that should be fun when I have to ask her to do stuff on Tuesday.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
While I still can't believe Christmas has come and gone New Year's Day is fast approaching and I got to thinking about all the events of this year. This is by no means a complete list, it's just stuff that came to me off the top of my head.
All and all, probably one of the best years of my life.
I'm thinking about going to Haloscan for comments since I'm sick of having to type in those damn letters and fucking them up and then having to do it again, plus, when I want to answer people being able to link back to comments seems like it would be cool.
Anyway, in the spirit of my readers helping me figure out techology (using the Ipod as a removable disk worked swimmingly-thank you!) I was wondering if anyone (I'm looking at you E-Spat and Law and Alcoholism) could offer pros and cons and a bit of insight as to how it works since I'm HTML-impaired. I'm assuming there is some code pasting going on and that you disable comments in blogger, but what do I know? Not a damn thing.
UPDATE #1: I switched to Haloscan myself, however, I seem to be awesome and have lost all previous comments. I'm kinda saddened, but I'm sure I will get over it.
UPDATE #2: It appears the old comments are not so much "gone" as "inaccessable" via the haloscan link, gee, I feel so much better knowing they're not gone. However, for future reference Haloscan, "Known Issues" should be filed under "T" for "Things that should have been brought to my attention YESTERDAY."* I don't think it's really loosing the comments that bothers me so much as when you look at my archives it appears that nobody ever had anything to say about my writing. I suppose I could manually disable comments on those posts so it doesn't look so sad, but first off I have over 300 posts so getting to the oldest would be a pain in the ass and secondly I like to pretend as if I have some sort of life so that isn't happening.
UPDATE #3: Apparently Haloscan really secretly hates comments and doesn't really want them to show up, since only the most recent 100 will show up in the future**...I also wasn't smart enough to copy the code I took out of my blogger template and I'm too lazy to go find it so looks like we're going with Haloscan. Bob Dylan said it best when he said "When you ain't got nothin' you got nothin' to loose."
*Yes, I suppose I could have read up on it before I changed my template.
** And yes, I suppose I could have read up on that as well.
In case any of you dear readers wanted to get me a Christmas gift but didn't find the time to before the Holiday do not let that stop you. I will still gladly accept gifts. At the top of my list is this, which given my love of my new Ipod I think it's safe to say I'd enjoy. My only question is if additional batteries are necessary or if it's rechargable?
I'm also accepting Hanukkah and Kwanzaa gifts if that's your thing.
This morning after a reader told me he was going to get McDonald's I was all "Ohh I'm up in time for breakfast there and not running late to work/school...I should go." So I left the house at 10:21, plenty of time to make it to the local McDonald's before breakfast ended at 10:30. I got there by 10:25, and of course the lady at the counter was taking forever (I decided to go inside since the drive-through line was like 3 cars long and I didn't want to get shafted out of having breakfast). The guy before me got to order breakfast, so I knew I was golden, plus the clock on the wall said it was 10:28.
As I the lady asked what I wanted some lady came out of the back and yelled "We're out of Hashbrowns! Breakfast is over!" and then turned a button which changed the board from breakfast to lunch. I let out a groan and the lady at the counter asked what was wrong. I explained that I wanted breakfast (I didn't explain how it's my guilty pleasure and how I don't really like any of their other food). She said she could get me fries instead. While I suppose it's a viable option is just seemed wrong to me. I wanted a hashbrown with my sausage biscuit. I then asked if the fries were ready, which of course, they were not. I then made the mistake of using logic in a McDonald's and asked if she could just put A SINGLE hashbrown into frier for me rather then fries. She looked at me with a look of shock and misunderstanding I have never seen on a human face. As if that were not only completely impossible but the most foolish thing ever to have asked for. She then asked if I wanted anything. On principle, I said no and walked out. I'm now wishing I'd gotten the damn breakfast sandwich alone.
It was really awesome when you got drunk at Christmas. At first you were just sneaking drinks off of my drink and then once you were good and buzzed you sauntered over the liquor cabinet and casually poured yourself a drink, I almost envied your moxy. It was even more awesome when you threw up in the bathtub, left it there for mom to find/clean up, which I of course got a phone call bitching about at 8 a.m. the next morning. It did comical when mom said you didn't even remember doing it since you're only 18 I don't think mom (let alone dad) have ever seen me that drunk, and I KNOW they've never had to clean up after my drunk ass.
However, I got pissed last night as I was up throwing up and realized that you had the flu yesterday and had given it to me by drinking out of my cup. I was even more pissed when I realized I was going to have to work Friday to make up for missing today. Not to mention only having been back to work 2 days from the mono and missing today. When I realized I wanted to punch you in the face was when I realized I now have to do laundry all day today as I'm sick because I have company coming on Sunday, plans on Saturday, and now I'll have to work Friday.
Hugs and Kisses,
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Anyone know how to send all the media files I have on my laptop to my desktop? I only have 5 gigs free on my laptop (and about 20 free on my desktop) so it would be better to use iTunes from there and not slow down my laptop. I'd ask my friend who fixed my SUPER shafted desktop but I feel bad after all the time he spent on this. I know I've done it before but I'm not sure how it works.
Additionally, I need to move everything in iTunes, which has weird encryption type things to help stop file sharing.
Anyone who tells you lawfirms do not have a hierarchy is lying. Flat out lying. Tell them their pants are on fire. My firm the secretaries are at the bottom of that pyramid, then the paralegals, then the clerks (just me), then associates, then partners.
The thing is, there are a few paralegals but they all know I will be an attorney some day, so they do not associate with me. The secretaries are all way older then me and are usually bitter I can still wear heels without it hurting my feet. A few ("Juan", who I think is trying to date me) of the associates are nice to me, but most of them have no idea who I am. All the partners are nice and always say hello...But for the most part nobody talks to me. I do not take lunches since I don't really have anyone to eat them with.
I know I'm paying my dues and all but it really sucks I have nobody to talk to at work...Additionally, I don't want to become one of the people who does not associate with the people below them.
6 a.m. is seriously an ungodly hour. Everyday I get up this early makes me consider moving to the city and getting an apartment. Then I remember the crime rates and how nobody even acted shocked about this, and I decide that living rent free in a space at least 3 times as big as an apartment I could afford, on a lake in a rich suburb isn't so rough. I would seriously do just about anything to not have to deal with rush hour traffic though.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Today was my triumphant return to work at Bill, More & Hours after missing 7 weeks due to mono and finals. As expected, it was blogworthy. Now, for a lawfirm which usually makes their employees work more then a 10 year old in Kathy Lee's sweatshop today was INSANELY boring. I had never actually slacked off on the clock before today, however, I made up for lost time today.
8:58 Arrive at work 2 minutes early (I get to come in late this week since the Partner I work for is off).
9:00 Go back to my old office, my desk has been replaced with a rich mahogany desk and furniture has been add. Thing to myself it's pretty nice of them to give me such an upgrade when I was gone.
9:01 Go to sit down at what I think it my new desk and realize there are pictures of More and his family all over the desk.
9:02 Stand there in shock-Did they give my corner window office to a partner? Did I have a nicer office then him before? Where is my desk? Where is my lamp? Where is my giant pink mug?
9:03 Contemplate sitting down and getting to work...Just then More walks into what he confirms is his new office and is nice enough to explain that he has taken my office and takes me over to my new "office."
9:04 Quickly realize that my new office is not an office at all, but a cubicle.
9:05 Begin formulating plan to get moved into the open office near my cubicle with a view of the river...It isn't as big as my old office (and is not a corner office) but it has rich mahogany furniture, a door, and windows.
9:06 Check desk for personal belongings. Everything seems to be there.
9:07 Turn computer on and sign in.
9:09 Where is my giant pink coffee mug? Ok, I might freak out now.
9:10 Go to the kitchen and check the dishwasher for my mug, it's not there. Decide to personally going around to offices to find mug rather then send out an e-mail. I'd rather ask people if they have it and make it seem like there is a sentimental value if I have to talk to them then send out an e-mail to the whole firm looking like a freak over my pink mug...Plus, I have no files on my desk so why not kill some time.
9:30 Find my mug on Young Female associates desk, steal it back.
9:32 Wash mug.
9:35 Realize my left click button on my mouse is broken, decide to go ask IT guy for a new one.
9:36 IT guy isn't here, stop by Firm Administrators office and ask for some boring data entry work to do since I don't have anything on my desk and being that Hours is gone until New Year's Eve and knew I wouldn't be billing hours this week I might as well fill it with meaningless busy work.
9:40 Firm Administrator has no work for me, tells me to check with accounts Payable guy when he gets in at 10.
9:41 Decide I'm not going to attempt to find myself a mouse, but rather just use the keyboard and the right click button.
9:42 Meet new associate "Brad" who is working with the Partner I work for. He's HOT.
9:44 Leave a message for Accounts Payable guy that I could help him with work if he'd like.
9:45 Return to coffee, slacking and listening to music on Jesus; wishing I felt comfortable blogging at the office.
10:35 Finally go over the Accounts Payable guys desk since he hasn't let me know if he has any work for me. He says he has to finish from stuff and that it'll be at least 20 minutes. Back to slacking.
10:45 Use the broken mouse as an excuse to get out of doing work which would require printing...Except, I've already figured out how to do basically everything, but the middle aged lady who is trying to get me to do it doesn't know that.
11:45 Accounts Payable guy brings invoices over that need to be entered. Can't find software on my computer, he says he'll hopefully be back, but it might be something the IT guy needs to handle and he isn't in at all today.
11:50 Find a computer not being used and switch the mice. Time to slack some more.
12:00 Lunch with "Juan" the super cute associate who is like 25. Tell him I've yet to do any real work, he decided we're going to go to the Hard Rock and take a long lunch.
12:30 Order lunch.
1:45 Finally get back to office.
1:50 Accounts Payable guy has finally figured out the computer stuff. Shows me how to enter invoices.
2:00 Data Entry and Ipod
3:30 Finish biggest stack, decide not to start another one since I have to leave soon for the Dentist.
3:31 Decide to just leave then.
So I did about 90 minutes of real work, that was impressive.
*Clearly, name has been changed to protect my job.
Apparently the video Ipod (and most likely other Ipods) display album art in some instances. What was the first album Jesus displayed? Blonde on Blonde by Bob Dylan. Any long time readers know I'm HUGE Dylan fan, and while the Blonde on Blonde isn't my favorite album (musically) it is definitely my favorite title of a Dylan album. I was so excited I took a pic just so I could blog about it, that, and I'm addicted to my digital camera, blogging, and my Ipod (I alread have 1314 items on it which amounts to 36.8 days of entertainment or 6.75 gigs).
Sunday, December 25, 2005
I got a 30 gig Video Ipod for Christmas from my parents (along with the traditional clothes and DVD's), which provided a welcome distraction today when the family was over. I sat in my favorite chair with my laptop in my lap and added over 800 songs from CDs that I already owned to iTunes (literally there was a stack of CDs 10'' high). I still kept up small talk but for the most part everyone who I didn't want to talk to left me alone (the people I do like knew I was doing it to keep people away from me and still talked to me). Apart from being an awesome present in and of itself the fact that this little wonder provided me with this invisible fence from my family makes it priceless in my humble opinion. Because of it's greatness and in the spirit of Christmas when itunes asked what I would like to name my Ipod I decided "Jesus" (using the Spanish pronunciation) would be good...Seriously, let's all hope I don't ever have children as who knows what their names would end up being. Ohh well, at least I'm better then my brother who named his Ipod "Token" (in case you were wondering-yes he got the black one), since that's not offensive at all.
In other Ipod related news my neighbors got my brother and I each $30 itunes gift cards and being that I have tons of music on my desktop (if it ever starts working again), tons of CDs, and lots of music on my laptop I decided to buy TV shows with it so I'd get to check out the video capabilities (which are 100 times better then I thought they'd be). Don't have cable but I've heard great things about The Office so I downloaded the first season and what has played so far this season. I've watched 2 episodes so far and it's seriously hilarious, I'd HIGHLY recommend it (additionally it's not like you wouldn't be able to figure it out if you just started tuning in).
While the normal family disfunction is my dad's parents screaming obscenities each other while everyone else gets drunk to make it tolerable it seems my family has decided to keep stepping it up. After last Christmas' drunken hook-up and Thanksgivings drug usage. This year Christmas Celebration was short a member because my cousin cannot leave his apartment due to his tether and my uncle predicably got drunk, snuck off and came back coughing and with dilated eyes.
Brother: I can either go smoke pot or go hook up with this girl tonight.
Elle Woods: That is so lame.
Brother: What? She's Jewish.
(For the record, he ended up going to the our next door neighbors with me to help wrap christmas presents for their kids).
Grandpa: Hey, Boy, do you have a razor?
Brother: Yeah, I've just been lazy since I don't have to go to school. [Brother goes to a prep school where he would get a detention for having facial hair].
Grandpa: I'm going to buy you a razor.
Brother: No, Pa, I don't need one, I have 3 I just haven't been wanting to shave...[Leans over to me and whispers] Let's hope dad doesn't know what I use his razor for.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
A few weeks ago I noticed my laptop was pulling apart as pictured.
At the time I couldn't send it back to Dell with finals coming up, but figured I could do so after I finished. I forgot about it until today, so I decided I should suffer through a Technical support call and get them to send me one of those boxes so I can send it back to them. Ideally the conversation would have went something like this:
Elle Woods: Hello, Dell, my laptop casing is coming apart please send me a box and fix it as it better be covered by my warranty.
Dell Customer Support: No problem, what's your address.
Elle Woods: [Gives address]. Happy Holidays!
Dell Customer Support: Happy Holidays to you as well and thanks for choosing Dell.
It goes without saying it did not. Normally when I have to call technical support I want to scream at the guy that I'm not a moron because they're so demeaning about everything and act like your problem is most likely that your computer isn't turned on-thanks I checked that before I called buddy. Here is a sample of some of the conversation.
Dell Customer Support: Hi, Thank You for choosing Dell, may I have your name and your service tag number.In his defense, later as we were making small talk while he took forever creating a "tag" for me so I could call and order my box it came out that they were in the middle of their Holiday party (he was in India and it was 11:45 p.m. there so it was almost Christmas), so maybe he was a little drunk.
Elle Woods: My name is [Elle Woods] and the tag is D-W-Z-T.
Dell Customer Support: Ok that was B as in Ball, W as in Whiskey, Z as in Zebra, P as in Paul.
Elle Woods: No, D as in Dog, W as in Whiskey, Z as in Zebra, T as in Tom.
Dell Customer Support: Ok, glad we got that straightened out. Now, what is your problem today?
Elle Woods: Ok, my laptop casing is coming apart on the front corner above the speaker. I'm not sure if my warranty will cover it but I'd like to get it fixed while I'm off school. I'm assuming you'll have to send me one of those boxes so I can send it to you guys to fix.
Dell Customer Support: Ok so if I understand you correctly there is something coming out of the computer in the back.
Elle Woods: Umm, No. On the front of the laptop, the seam where the part that you rest your wrists on when you type and the speakers is separating.
Dell Customer Support: Ok, so what is coming out of the laptop?
Elle Woods: Nothing is coming out of the laptop. I'm concerned that something will be able to get into it and damage it since the casing is separating Do you have
access to e-mail? I can send you a picture.
Dell Customer Support: No, we do not have e-mail.
Elle Woods: Are you kidding me, you're Dell. Well I guess that makes sense being this is my only bill I cannot play online.
Dell Customer Support: Ok, so let me get out a picture of this model, there is the power button.
Elle Woods: Yes, there is, but the problem is by the speakers.
Dell Customer Support: And the keyboard.
Elle Woods: Yeah there is a keyboard, and it's fine.
Dell Customer Support: The touch pad.
Elle Woods: Yes the touchpad is still there and it's ok.
Dell Customer Support: There is the [I forget the name of what he called it but the button that the screen latches to].
Elle Woods: Ok, that is good frame of reference.
Dell Customer Support: And there are speakers.
Elle Woods: Yes I know. To the left of the button there is a speaker. Above where the speaker is the casing has a seam, do you see that?
Dell Customer Support: Yes.
Elle Woods: Ok at the corner you can lift it up because it's coming apart.
Dell Customer Support: Ohh I see. Ok we are not going to be able to fix this on the phone so I'm going to have to create a tag for you and you'll have to call a different department and have them send you a box.
Elle Woods: Yeah, that is kinda what I figured.
I should mention that my desktop is shafted and unless I get it fixed while my laptop is gone there will be no blogging, no blog reading, no commenting, no replying to comments, no IMing, and very little e-mailing...Seriously I'm going to have a breakdown. (This might be a sign that I'm addicted to the internet).
Friday, December 23, 2005
I saw this post and decided to do this face recognition thing since I always get told that I look familiar to people and I didn't have much to do before I went out tonight.
My Famous Faces Matches Are (I did 2 pictures for accuracy):
(* Indicates repeat)
Hey remember when I called you 3 weeks ago and asked what you wanted to get Mom for Christmas? No? Remember how I said I was sick of getting stuck doing all your shopping on Christmas Eve? No? Remember how I told you to just give me money or your charge card and I'd handle it? No? Yeah. Well F*ck you. Now you have me stuck going to the mall with all the other assholes like you who couldn't get their shit together and go earlier and who act all neurotic. I'm only going because I can't stand the thought of Mom not getting anything from you. Remember how you've made me do all the wrapping since I was 10 and all the shopping since I was 15? No? Things like this are why we don't get along.
Your Favorite Daughter,
In the Holiday spirit of sharing and making others happy I've decided to share a story from a few Christmas's ago. Now, I'm sure this year will be thoroughly entertaining with both my Mom's brother's getting divorced this year and my Mom's younger brother becoming a full fleged alcohol and crack addict. Not to mention the special joy of him bringing his crackhead girlfriend named, ever so appropriately-Merrily, to our families Holiday festivities. I'm sure I'll be able to further entertain you with a post regarding all that. Not to mention my Dad's sister who hooked up with said uncle last year at Christmas will be there since she's a bit of an "Old Maid" and has nowhere else to go...Things are shaping up rather nicely.
I believe it was 2 years ago when I was the tender age of 20. My now 30 year old cousin showed up with his new girlfriend. She sat on the couch right next to my Grandma and told her all about her new baby.
Now, in order for the full weight of this story to be fully appreciated there are some things you need to know.
- My cousin is Jewish (my uncle married a Jewish girl for his first marriage-now he's been divorced 3 times and I call him "3 Divorces" a la Ross on friends).
- Said cousin has had some drug problems in the past with good old smack.
- As a result of these issues he frequently meets girls in rehab.
- These girls tend to be strippers.
- Traditionally he and the stripper end up relapsing.
Then it dawned on me. I had tutored a girl in high school who was dating a guy who Vera had dated and she used to complain about how Vera was stalking him and about how nasty she had gotten and how she was doing smack and stripping. I knew they had to be the same girl.
Of course, I pulled my mom aside and told her. She in turn couldn't keep her mouth shut and had to say something to Veronica about how we had went to school together. Thereby establishing that my 28 year old cousin had just shown up with a 20 year old and made her a drink. Classy. To be fair, I think I was drinking too-but I was doing it secretly and my mom was encouraging it.
So when we get home I tell my whole family the story about how she was a stripper and about how those are new boobs and how she had a heroin problem. My dad (who has always been close with my cousin Dana) is not shocked and tells me that is how he meets all his girlfriends. My little brother is also not shocked, but for a different reason. He looks at all of us and says:
Of course she's a stripper. Didn't you see how she put her ass up in the air first when she stood up?My 16 year old brother then proceeded to re-enact her ass up in the air first and body roll stand move (which I've since adopted). My Mom, Dad and Myself nearly pissed ourselves laughing.
With any luck this year will be 1/2 and interesting and I'll be twice as drunk.
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I sold out and put up ads. Such is life. Once I found out you could make them match your template so it wouldn't look totally trashy I was sold.
Think what you will but I have a car payment, (and a $276 dollar a month car insurance bill-yes I am the worst driver ever), credit card debt from undergrad still lingering, a gym membership, a laptop bill (yes I know I should just pay that off but I'm not that smart and technically I have 2 laptop bills since I'm still paying on the one whose screen I stepped on and who had to be replaced), and of course the wonderful loans from undergrad to pay for.
Not to mention having to pay for wine, shoes, bags, new work clothes, netflix, bar tabs, eating out between work and school 4 nights a week, and last but not least-coke.
So being that I entertain you on a
Hourly Daily Fairly Regular Semi Regular basis I think I should be rewarded.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Elle Woods: Hey, do you mind taking January 30th off work?
Elle Woods: Well, I need a ride home.
Mom: From where?
Elle Woods: The Hospital.
Mom: (Freaking out) WHY?
Elle Woods: I'm having surgery and apparently they won't let me drive home after a general anesthetic.
Mom: UMM YEAH!!!...What are you having done?
Elle Woods: I'd rather not say. It's not a big deal, the surgery will be under an hour. You could make it into work after lunch if you wanted.
Mom: Just tell me what you're having done.
Elle Woods: You'll find out when the doctor tells you how it went.
Mom: Is it an Abortion?
Elle Woods: NO!
Mom: A Boob Job?
Elle Woods: NO! What the hell my boobs are big! [Bigger then hers I might add.]
Mom: A Nose Job?
Elle Woods: MOM! NO! You are such a bitch! My Nose is perfect why would say say that?
Mom: I don't know, don't you have a deviated septum?
Elle Woods: Yeah, but so does [Brother] and we both decided not to get it fixed...Besides if anyone needs a nose job it's him. Not to mention some cosmetic dentistry.
Mom: Is it a sex change?
Elle Woods: NOOOOOO! What is your deal? Do you really think I'd want to become a man, and further, do you think they do that surgery in under an hour?
Germans Love David Hasselhoff, and being that I'm German, so do I. A reader IMed me this video and told me if I hadn't seen it I should...Hadn't seen it? Are you kidding me, we used to watch this DAILY my first year of college. I thought I'd share with all of you, since well, it F*CKING ROCKS MY WORLD!!!
My favorite part is either when:
- He catches the fish
- He dances in an eskimo suit
- Stands on the motorcycle
- When he Flys-by flapping his arms
- Does the N*Sync "Bye Bye Bye"-esk dance
- His seductive eyes
- Him dressed as the crocodile hunter with the bushmen
- Or when he spins and then doubles the cube
When Google puts their Holiday artwork up.
Ohh, and, today for the first time I noticed this (or something like it) on my site meter. I've gotten this many times before, which I always thought was weird, but I was pretty excited in a nerdy way when I noticed someone searched for my blog by name.
Tonight I had an epiphany. I've seen "SCOTUS" numerous times before, but like everything I don't understand I just glossed over it. Tonight, while intoxicated, I realized that it stands for "Supreme Court of the United States." Yeah, I'm seriously embarassed right now that I just realized that 1/2 way through law school.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Craig: That doesn't even make any sense, what would my finger's be sticky from?
Elle Woods: HAHAHA! Yeah, that's what I don't really get either, but that was the funniest thing I've heard all day...In my defense I haven't really slept so I'm kinda cracked out.
Sweetie, trust me, you're the only one with a virus. Don't worry, I'm sure if you go to the doctor they can take care of that itchy burning sensation with some antibiotics. If you're really lucky maybe you'll get a pink antibiotic.
What are you more pissed about; that people have changed their blogs in support of me, all the postive feedback I'm getting, or all the negative feedback you're getting?
I think I've finally worked out the issues that the Best of Legally Blonde Post was having so now that exams are basically over and people aren't really looking for ways to procrastinate it's available to read. However, maybe some of you want entertainment over the break since if you're lucky, you, unlike me do not have to work (that's right kids I start back at the firm on Tuesday since mono and exams have passed-that should mean lots of posts about the ridiculousness of firm life...Get Excited!)
Being that I'm reclaiming (a la how I've attempted to reclaim the word Cunt for feminine empowerment) the term "Cotton Candy Girl" for all women who love pink and aren't afraid of it I have an admission to make. I intentionally didn't move shoes out of my parents house so that I wouldn't be able to count them all at once, as a result, I don't know how many pairs of shoes I own. However, there are 2 additional reasons for this as well.
- I'm too afraid to actually count and have to realize how much money I've spend on shoes in the last 6 years or so.
- At this point I'm not even sure I can even count that high, being that I'm an airheaded blonde and all.
Is there any possibility that my drive to school is actually longer on the way there then on the way home? I mean, aside from the general principles of physics what it stopping it from being true. I know it sounds nuts, but I'm convinced it not only takes me longer to get to school but that the drive itself is also longer.
I suppose a more likely explanation would be that I have to drive on a main road before I reach the highway on my there and so when I'm on my way to school I account for the drive before the highway in my time subconsciously, whereas on my way home when I reach the main road I inherently think to myself that I'm almost home when in reality I still have a decently long way to go.
I'm sure my angst about going to school in comparison to my enthusiam about being home also shape my perspective on the drive. However, I'm still pretty sure it's a longer drive to school then home, I don't care what the laws of physics and general common sense say about it.
The Family Law Take Home is printing right now. I just have to drive it to school, not get in an accident (knock on wood) and hand it in at records and registration. Then I'm coming home and shall start drinking wine, if all goes well I should have a nice buzz going by around 1:00 p.m.
Ohh, and Yeah, I'm 1/2 done with LAW School. However, I am far from being 1/2 an attorney.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
The States listed in the fact pattern of my Family Law take home are Hysteria, Euphoria, Confusion, and Connecticut. It's a different Professer then this one, and all semester I'd thought she was actually competent. I suppose it's my own fault for thinking a law Professor was competent. I'm seriously in shock that another Professor is using such terms, maybe it's some weird tradition at my school I don't know about.
Let's just hope said Professor wasn't lying when she said we could do her take home in 3 hours given I've yet to start writing. However, trusting a law Professor is pretty much the dumbest thing you can do, so we shall see.
Before you head into an exam find a homeless person and give them a few dollars and a couple cigarettes so you have good Karma going into your exam. If the exam goes particularly bad do the same thing on the way out. I do this before (or sometimes after) each exam and I'm convinced it has helped the curve work in my favor on more then one occasion. A good deed never goes unrewarded.
Liser Does Law School of Overheard in Law School Fame and Best in Show of "Gay Husband" Fame have taken a stance of sisterly solidarity after my being called a "Cotton Candy Girl" earlier today and have changed their blogs to pink.
I say, girls (and guys) who enjoy a bit of pampering now and then unite. I think the more pink on the internet the better!
UPDATE: More Gay Husband Goodness! Additionally, ContinuityGirl, skh, and Oysters and Beer have also come out and announced their love of pink.
My Family Law Take Home is due at 1:22 p.m. tomorrow. Thus far I've read through the question twice, took notes in the margins about cases and subject matter that have come to mind, and created a Word Document (with My exam number in the header, page numbers, and made a cover page).
The worst part is that I feel as if I'm ahead of schedule and I'm about to go get a coffee at Starbucks as a reward.
While procrastinating starting to write my Family Law take home I decided checking my sitemeter would be a welcome distraction. I always check out links I don't recognize, or didn't know had linked to me. So, when I came across this (I'm hesitant to even link since I'm pretty sure I get more hits daily but whatever) I simply had to check it out...Ohh, by the way, you're welcome for the traffic boost Cotton Candy.
I suppose I've finally made it if I finally have a critic. I suppose it was nice of her to say I'm not dumb, being that I'm a certified genius and all. However, it is kinda funny how she points out that not all "Cotton Candy Girls" are stupid" while referencing ME, and then calls me a Stupid B*tch 3 sentences later. Apparently, there are not so sharp non-cotton candy girls as well.
What the hell does it matter if I color code my outline tabs? It's helpful for me during my exam. I'm so sorry it offended you that greatly. I'm also sorry that I had to drink copious amounts of caffeine to stay up all night and write my take home exam. I know you must have been worried about my well being and that is why you were so upset that I drank so much Starbucks.
Side Rant: People who think Starbucks is all that is wrong with the world. Yeah, an employer who provides benefits to their employees who work 20 hours a week, uses fair trade coffee and pays their employees a fair wage really is the root of all evil. These people should really get a clue and check out the working conditions that most of American deals with before they throw a fit about Starbucks. Have you ever heard of a little chain called Wal-Mart? Additionally, Starbucks makes d*mn good coffee. End of discussion.
Do I own a few Coach bags? Yes. Louis Vuitton? No (they're too expensive and not that cute). Are my hands manicured? Yes, I have to look at them as I type at school and work all day so I might as well look at something nice. While I understand your frustration with overly done-up girls, Cotton Candy, in the end you just come off like a girl who is bitter and jaded because your boyfriend left you for a girl with nicely manicured hands and expensive bags. Ohh, and by the way, nice template.
Monday, December 19, 2005
Uncle Krack-Head made an appearance tonight with his new Girlfriend. I'll spare you the details about her 4 and 1/2 year old twins running laps around the house and just jump right to what may be the funniest thing my grandma has ever done.
To say my Uncle and his Girlfriend are smitten with each other is a staggering understatement. They're acting like teenagers. They disappeared at one point so my grandma and I went looking for them. We found them making out in the bathroom.
My grandma grabbed the spray bottle full of water from the bathroom counter, sprayed them and yelled; "Stop that kissing!"
I almost peed my pants laughing.
(Warning this post contains graphic content involving insecticide).
I woke up around 9:30 this morning (after having gone to bed around 4:15) with a bit of a hangover. My stomach was turning, my head hurt, and to make matters worse last night I'd put my retainers/teeth whitening tray in so my teeth hurt and I had the taste of hydrogen peroxide in my mouth. I managed to slowly walk down the hall to my bathroom, take the retainers out, and brush my teeth. As I lifted my head to get a look at myself in the mirror my jaw dropped in shock and instinctively shrieked.
THE ENTIRE BOTTOM OF MY BATHTUB WAS COVERED WITH ANTS!!! SERIOUSLY, THE ENTIRE BOTTOM!!! Additionally, they were crawling up the sides, and all around the rim of the tub. (Unfortunately I wasn't thinking fast enough in my hungover haze to get a picture of any of this).
I used my quick thinking skills and turned on the water in an attempted to kill them in a biblical "40 Days and 40 Nights" sort of a way. Unfortunately, many of these ants were highly evolved, and survived the flood. So I ran upstairs to the supply cupboard and grabbed as many cans of bug killer as I could carry and COATED the tub with the ever so wonderful toxins. Here is what the scene looked like by the end:
Seriously, SICK! I know! I don't know what is grosser, all the ants that survived the flood or the amount of bug spray I used to kill them. (Sidenote: Ways to make a bad hangover worse-be in an enclosed space with a bunch of bug spray. For extra nausea add cleaning products to the mix.)
So needless to say I
cleaned disinfected scrubbed my entire bathroom until my fingers bled. And then I had my brother come over and had help me nagged him while I made him caulk the entire tub (and the other 2 in the house) since it appeared that was how the ants got in there to begin with. I have no idea how all of sudden overnight they managed to overrun my entire bathtub, but they did and it was horrifying.
Fear not, all is well with my bathtub now:
I think I found the Bizarro-World Elle Woods.
- She's Brunette, I'm "Blonde."*
- She's in Undergrad, I'm in Law School.
- She seems to be upbeat, and I'm rather Jaded these days.
- We have the same template.
- For some odd reason she seems to want to attend law school also (Run you poor sweet, innocent girl, run!).
- We both appear to like making lists.
- We're both from the Midwest.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Bruin7089: We need to chat regularly
Bruin7089: it gives me stuff to blog
ElleWoods626: This is why I don't get men [referring to how men make no sense]
Bruin7089: Because you darkened your hair?
Bruin7089: I don't blog to give [Elle Woods] a cheap thrill
Saturday, December 17, 2005
What do you mean brought it bowling, Dude? I didn't rent it shoes. I'm not buying it a f*cking beer. He's not taking your f*cking turn, Dude.
Elle Woods: Have Mom and Dad made you take a piss test yet?
Elle Woods: At least if they actually do it this time you'll be ok. Unlike when they were threatening it and you were all "Can I score some of your piss?" to [The Dude]. Mom apparently thinks you are again because you were hanging out with [Friend] at [bowling alley]*, like you did a lot last year when you were smoking.
Brother: Honestly, WTF. [Friend] and 3 of the 4 people I was with are on a bowling team. I mean, she didn't say anything to me. All Dad said was "I don't trust [Friend]." So I told him [Friend] is on probation.
Elle Woods: For future reference, telling Dad a friend of yours is on probation might not be the best way to get Dad to trust him...Just a thought.
*I need to note that I find it very odd that my brother was at a bowling alley to begin with, and even more odd that [Friend] is on a bowling team since he's a spoiled rich kid who drives a Range Rover on 22's.
Twice since I made the Best of Legally Blonde Post I've gotten the question from readers "Isn't it a little early in your career for a best of?" Both readers likened it to an artist who does a Best Of Album about 2 albums into your career.
The way I see it, I'm like a pop star. (I once heard the theory I'm about to espose on a New Kids on the Block E! True Hollywood Story or some sh*t.) I know I have a limited shelf life so I need to capitalize on my popularity and flood the market with memoribilia while I can. The downside to this approach is that then people get sick of you faster.
The sad thing is that I, like most pop stars, don't know when to quit so I'll probably be here blogging a good 3 years after I've peaked. By this point I'll be going out in public with acne medication on my face, I'll have stopped combing my hair and wearing matching clothing. The only shoes I'll own will be Flip-Flops and Cowboys Boots. Writing stories about my white trash husband who is trying to break out as a rapper, having kids as an attempt to draw in a new set of readers and so I have more to write about. The good news is, sometimes the downward spiral is just as fun to watch.
UPDATE: Maybe my pop star theory really isn't that far off...Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax! You're goddamn right I'm living in the f*cking past!
Thursday I woke up around 9:15 a.m., took about a 2 hour nap somewhere in there. I was up until 5:55 a.m. Friday, and slept for about 4 hours and got up around 10:00 a.m, I took about an hour long nap sometime Friday afternoon. I then fell asleep around 3:00 a.m (Saturday Morning) and slept until 5:00 a.m., now I can't get back to sleep.
According to my math, which is admittedly rusty, I've 9 slept hours in the last 45, which doesn't seem that bad until you realize that I will most likely end up turning that into 9 hours in the last 63.
Finals and my slacker ways have officially put me on a whacked out sleep schedule, where I now sleep in short spans and never really get R.E.M. sleep. I'm reminded of the Seinfeld episode where Kramer decides he's going to use Leonardo DaVinci's sleep method of sleeping in short spans throughout the day, and shockingly, it doesn't go as well as he had hoped.
Friday, December 16, 2005
I made a Best of Legally Blonde page for all you new readers. The link can be found to the right if you're viewing my blog in something other then IE (if you're in IE scroll down)...Ohh, yeah, and clearly, there's a link in this post.
I should note that my writing has come a long way, in my opinion, and so some of the writing really isn't "my best work" but at the time it was the best stuff I was writing.
I swear, I read one more Blog Post or Away Message about a Law Student (particularly a 2L) who is done with finals (and is now 1/2 a lawyer) I will seriously cause bodily injury to someone.
My Current Exam Situation:
Family Law Take Home Picked Up at 1:22 p.m., 118 Hours and 37 Minutes remain until it's due. Then I'll be finished with exams and 1/2 a lawyer (and drunk).
One of my best friends from undergrad and I essentially invented the art that is procrastinating. For purposes of this post she shall be refered to as C-M-T (Country Music Television...HA! If you only knew how much more appropriate the title of this post is with regard to her music appreciation you'd be laughing to...Or maybe I'm just cracked out on little to no sleep and I think it's super funny; yeah, let's go with option 2). WTF was I even talking about. Doesn't it make you feel good about I'm about to drive? Yeah, I thought so.
C-M-T and I have since moved our seperate ways, she attends Law School thousands of miles from where I do, however, nothing had changed about either one of our study habits.
Wednesday night we were reflecting on why it is we always wait to the last minute when it comes to papers, exams and studying and why we have yet to learn our lesson. The general consesus was that we never fail anything or really even do that poorly so why fix what ain't (yes, I just said ain't) broken. Or as C-M-T put it, "Procrastinating until the absolute deadline and still dominating since 1987 (when we started kindergarten)...Ohh wait, since 1988 for you boo."
By Thursday night, however, when I still had yet to start studying C-M-T cracked the whip on me as only she can and threatened me with the fake children we made up to go along with our fake marriage that we made up as a result of getting "The Couple's Special" at the movie theatre once. We ran with it since it annoyed one of my roommates. (Yeah, go back and read that one more time. Ok, I know this post just took a turn to weirdoville but cut me some slack I slept like 3 hours. If any of you even got the fake children/fake marriage sentence good for you, if not, moving on.) All that had to be said was "just fucking start doing it before I beat your ass and lock the kids in the basement." With that I pulled out a legal pad and got out to outlining.
What's the point of this post? I wanted to thank C-M-T for laying down the law with me. She was there when I pulled my first all nighter ever in undergrad (and was probably the reason I'd dicked around and gotten behind). And she's still helping me through them thousands of miles away. I'd also like to thank the Academy, the Gay Husband for keeping me sane during the whole process and for watching movies with me via AIM, the readers of this blog who supported me and offered encouraging words as well as welcome distractions, the employee at Starbucks who gave me free extra shots of espresso, and my parents for not instilling in me a strong work ethic (just kidding, I do have a strong work ethic but I just like to wait until the last possible second). Without all of you none of this ever would have been possible (as I might have had to start before the 11th hour without all the welcome distractions).
*This might be the greatest Blog Post Title in the History of Blog Title Posts, but sadly 99.9% of you will not get it.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
That song came on the radio on my way home from picking up 2-Venti/Non-Fat/No Whip/Iced/White Mocha's with an extra shot of espresso*(one has no ice in it since it's for later) and as soon as I heard it I knew everything was going to be alright.
As long as I don't have to pass a piss test for "Studying Steroids" as CR calls them after I hand in this exam I'll be golden.
*Yes, that is really what I ordered; and Yes, I know I'm a yuppie.
Jermajesty is back and The Hot Librarian (if you don't follow these links don't hold me responsible when this post makes no sense and you think I'm a weirdo-as if you don't already) is holding another contest to find him a date. Rub-Her-Ducky forced me to stop working on my Take Home Final in order to declare her burning desire for Jermajesty (not burning in the bad "Ouch it hurts when I pee ever since I slept with that Trucker" sort of way, but a slow burn from being a soft microwavable heating pad kind of burning).
So without further ado, I bring you, Rub-Her-Ducky:
Rub-Her-Ducky insisted I post this picture of her "ASS-ets":
Rub-Her-Ducky also has younger twin sisters (just throwing it out there in case you're into that sort of thing):
Keep Watching this Post until about 3:00 p.m. Friday when I need to leave to turn in said exam, I'm sure I'll add updates.
4:11 p.m. Pick up Take Home, read instructions, throw in bag and resume "studying" for Tax.
9:27 p.m. Get home from Tax, get Take Home out of bag, set near yourself...Try to feel the vibes it's giving off. Realize you might spill wine on it-better move it across the room.
9:15 a.m. Get up, think about reading exam, go back to bed.
11:45 a.m. Get up again, realize you have to go pick up your Mom from work soon because her car is in the shop, better not read that exam just yet-you want it to be fresh in your memory.
12:30 p.m. Leave to get Mom.
1:10 p.m. Stop for Quizno's on the way back to Mom's house-you're going to need energy to write this exam.
1:22 p.m. Eat Quizno's...Mmmm Toastey!
1:30 p.m. Mom asks what you want to drink, she has a beer in her hand so a Vodka and Cran seems like a good choice.
2:15 p.m. Begin watching what might just be The Worst Movie Ever with your Mom and Brother, who is home from school with Mono.
3:01 p.m. Make yourself another drink, not as strong as the one your Mom made-you do have to study tonight.
4:15 p.m. Start heading home-you have work yo do.
4:35 p.m. Get home.
6:59 p.m. Blog about Take Home.
7:15 p.m. Bring Take Home over to bed where you're sitting. Play a game called "Just the tip, just for a second, just to see how it feels."
8:20 p.m. Read Take Home. Let it all settle in.
11:21 p.m. Blog about Take Home again.
9:15 a.m. Get up.
9:45 a.m. Read Take Home again, take some notes and think about cases you could use. Wow, that was a lot of work, time to slack for a bit.
9:46 a.m. Realize it's never going to stop snowing. Better get your car out of the driveway since there's no way it'll go up the hill in 7 inches of snow.
10:15 a.m. Scrape off car.
10:23 a.m. Realize all your books are in the trunk, better get them out in case you need them.
10:24 a.m. Go to move car and realize it needs to be dusted off again.
10:26 a.m. Move car to neighbors.
10:32 a.m. Shovel walkway.
10:53 a.m. Eat Onion Bagel with Cream Cheese.
11:10 a.m. Waste more time on AIM.
12:45 p.m. Take a Nap.
2:57 p.m. Whoa, you slept longer then you meant to.
3:03 p.m. Open Word, put your exam number in the header and insert page numbers, you're practically 1/2 way there.
3:05 p.m. Waste time with Sitemeter and blog about it.
4:03 p.m. Realize this little experiment in studying has some promise as a blog topic, better get to work on that.
4:21 p.m. Post Timeline post for now and decide to actually get to work-right after you grab some food since you're starving.
4:25 p.m. Cook Chicken Marsala, Garlic Butter Pasta, and Rolls to avoid studying; I seriously do not know when the last time I cooked was.
5:27 p.m. Eat Dinner, set the revised goal of starting at 6 p.m.
6:08 p.m. Start Writing.
7:45 p.m. Realize you'll be up all night for sure and you better go to Starbucks and get roughly 7-10 shots of expresso.
9:03 p.m. Begin watching Reality Bites with The Gay Husband as noise in the Background while I write.
9:05 p.m. Finish Page 1.
11:05 p.m. Being watching The Royal Tenenbaums with The Gay Husband.
12:01 a.m. Finish Question 1 of 3, and have 4 pages written. 1,280 words written; 4,500 word limit...I'm in awesome shape. SCORE!
1:08 a.m. After successfully teaching myself the 1st Amendment I'm ready to move onto writing the 2nd Question. I also I begin watching Almost Famous with The Gay Husband.
3:12 a.m. Finish Question 2 of 3, 6.5 pages written. Just over 2000 words. My Professor has stressed how Brevity will earn you points so I'm rather excited with how this is shaping up. The Alarm is set for 5 a.m. (with a backup alarm set for 6 a.m.), I'm going to put white mocha #2 back in the fridge for a bit and lay down while I think about the last question.
3:24 a.m. Cancel plan to sleep, visions of scrunity levels and gender discrimination dance in my head, I might as well get this sh*t over with.
3:58 a.m. Question 3 is outlined completely, my cases are selected. The end is in sight.
4:11 a.m. Fetch White Mocha #2 from the fridge again, swig off Pepto bottle while you're upstairs since you're now remembering why you try to avoid drinking more then 6 shots of espresso in a 12 hour period. Exactly 12 Hours until I need to turn this thing in.
5:15 a.m. Finish Question 3. Word count: 3,122. Tomorrow I'll proofread, print, and take it to school. I finished 10 Hours and 56 minutes early...HECK YES!
(Roughly) 5:55 a.m. Fall asleep.
10:11 a.m. Wake Up.
10:15 a.m. Being proofreading.
Recently I've been updating my Blogroll again (read: avoiding my Con Law 2 exam by checking my sitemeter compulsively and looking myself up on technorati). My philosophy of the blogroll has underwent some evolution, I think it can best be described in 3 phases:
- At the beginning I linked to people who I liked. At least one of them must have realized I was linking to him and added me to his blogroll...I'll always hold a special place in my heart for L & A for that. At the time I had no concept of things like sitemeters so I have no idea how he ever knew I'd linked to him.
- Eventually my writing went from "Total Crap" to somewhat readable. I few people added me and let me know and I in kind added them. I'm pretty sure I still read all these people as well as the originals (if they're still blogging).
- At this stage in the game I think there are only a few blogs that I link to which don't link to me (Bow), plus I started noticing on my sitemeter people who were linking to me and began to add them. There is only one blog that I know of that has linked to me which I didn't link to, and if you've been a reader long enough you'll know who it is (if not and you really want to know what this offensive work is AIM me at ElleWoods626 or E-Mail me here). I try to read all the blogs I link to, but it is getting unmanageable so I might have to cut back.
PS-I know my sidebar is still at the bottom in IE, get a real browser if you don't want to have to scroll down because I have NO idea how to fix it.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
I finally read my take home a few hours ago. Since then it's been sitting next to me as I "think" about it. Really I can't get past the fact that the 6th word of the exam is "meatpacking" and in the same paragraph it reads:
[O]pponents of the bill presented expert testimony that Section 1234 would discriminate against women. It seems that by far the single most common cause of carpal tunnel syndrome is repetitive motions.
Yeah, I think it's safe to say my mind is in the gutter, but I friggin know my Prof did it on purpose. He wears gold chains daily and his chest hair always hangs out of his shirts.
I just wanted to take a moment for some shameless self promotion. Apparently I'm funny enough to become a contributor on Overheard in Law School (because I don't do enough posting and slacking around here), so to help ensure Liser lets me stay you should go visit and check it out.
If you're so inclined they also take reader imput, but please don't e-mail Liser bad things. We all know most law students aren't funny so if someone deems that you're not well, don't be offended...This isn't clown college people, not everyone is funny and it's not as easy as it looks (as can be evidenced by the majority of my recent posts and pretty much all my archives from May-August).
I picked up my Con Law 2 Take Home yesterday. I've had it for 26 hours and 48 minutes. I have yet to do anything besides skim the instructions.
The fun part is that I have my Family Law Take Home to pick up and complete after this one.
I personally blame my Professors for this, as they told us that it's not really any longer then an inclass exam-they just wanted to give us more time to work on it so we'd create better workproduct. However, what I hear them saying is "Slack off all you want, You'll be able to finish still." It's kinda like when they say "Don't wait until you have the exam to start studying, you should already have an outline and be prepared" and I hear "It will actually only take you about 3 hours and you have 72, don't waste time studying." Unfortunately for me, these two interpretations are somewhat at odds with each other.
The Most Exciting Thing to Happen in the Law Library Since People Were Caught Messing Around in the Stairwell...
Yesterday as I was busy
studying for tax1 talking on AIM and Blogging in the Law Library a perfect example of the insanity of law students took place right before my very eyes. A 1L, on the eve of his first law school exam, had a seizure/panic attack2 in the middle of the law library. This was particularly exciting as I really only go into the law library for 2 reasons:
- To use the wireless internet
- To see 1L's cry during memo/exam/appellate brief time
Me being the person that I am, once I was fairly certain he wasn't going to die I used my nicotine craving3 as an excuse to walk outside (and past all the action). This may sound callous but it's not like I stepped over him while he was on the floor, I walked around. As I got outside 3 police cars pulled up to the law school Dukes of Hazard style, and then proceeded to casually stroll in (why drive so fast on a walkway if you're not going to actually hurry when you get out of your car?). Worst, was that the guy carrying the "Heart Start" (not that they needed it) was the last to pull up and was the slowest walking in. Figuring the excitement was over I flicked my cigarette butt and started to walk back inside from the cold. Just as I did an ambulance pulled up and the EMT's rushed in...This was when I realized things were being blown out of proportion. Unless they were going to give the poor guy a valium or xanax drip there wasn't much that could be done for him and if he's really that stressed it's not like he'd leave the library to go to the hospital anyway.
All I can think of is how happy I am not to be the type of person who would put my body through that much stress anymore over something that by that point in time you have little to no control over.
Anyway, if you're out there kid I hope your exam went well today. If it didn't just remember these few words of wisdom:
- Nobody really fails Law School Exams. The bar is there to weed out the people who can't hack it so Law Schools want to keep you around and get the tuition money.
- If you're not in the top 10% no one will ever ask to see your grades anyway.
- If I can get a firm job (and be told I do better work then most associates) anyone can.
- My 3rd day of work my boss told me "Everyday is a final exam here."4 If that is how you handle final exams do you really think you can go through life living with that kind of stress without developing some form of addiction to cope with it? No? I didn't think so either.
And if those helpful tips don't work to calm you down, well, come find me and I'll hook you up with some Adderall to help you study and my old Xanax Rx to calm you down.1 I still totally kicked my tax exams ass by the way. Employment Discrimination, on the other hand, I am not too sure about.5
2 I had panic attacks while in undergrad and a lot of the classic signs were there (hyperventilating, grasping chest, etc.), however, he also fell to the floor and flailed around like a dying fish...So being that I'm not a doctor6 I don't feel qualified to diagnose what exactly occurred.
3 Yes, I did smoke a cigarette again yesterday...But even non-smokers smoke during law school exam season so I think I'm allowed to.
4 I'm not exactly sure I agree with that but it's something to think about.
5 I love footnotes (And my new found ability to use them)!
6 Yes, I know I just stated in a footnote that I'm not a doctor and that I do not give medical advice right after I offered medical advice in my post. It's not like anyone coming here actually expects me to be logical.
I think it's hilarious that people who participate in Law School Discussion Boards recommended my blog. I didn't even know such a thing existed until a reader told me about them last night, at which time he referred to them as LSD. On second thought, I guess it's not that weird after all.
- Make sure to get up early enough to shower, primp and look your best. If you look good you feel good, if you feel good you do good. In other words, dress to impress.
- When people tell you that you can't learn anything 20 minutes before the exam they are lying. If you've only studied for 90 minutes total an extra 20 will actually help you.
- Make sure you have things to comfort you. I like to have cough drops, bottled water, and a snack.
- Stressing and lack of sleep are bad for the skin, avoid them at all costs.
- Having the cutest outline is important despite what others say.
- Take a nap at the 1/2 way point if you're tired, you'll be more refreshed.
- Try to not spill coffee all over your exam, Professors find that hard to read.
- Heels are a must as the clicking is a major distraction to others.
- Wear Cashmere, that way if you do poorly at least you're feeling something really nice against your skin.
- Remember to buy yourself a post exam present that is completely frivolous-you've earned it.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Actual Fact Pattern from an Exam I took last year:
Hester Hawk, a well-known lawyer who lives and practices in the State of Wishagain, has begun to expand her practice in the neighboring states of Depression and Euphoria. In an effort to cut down on the travel time when she litigates outside of Wishagain, Hawk has just leased a private plane from her friends, Walter Wren, who lives and works in the State of Euphoria and Simon Sparrow, a citizen of Wishagain. Wren and Sparrow, doing business as a partnership-Sparrow and Wren Wings-purchased two small planes capable of carrying six passengers last year; their plan was to use the planes to take Euphoria tourists on tours of the world famous Euphoria Canyon by air. They had absolutely no plans to operate any of their planes outside of Euphoria, and tourists could only reserve spaces on their Euphoria Canyon tours in person at the main Sparrow-Wren office in Euphoria. The two planes they purchases were manufactured by Wright Air, Inc. a corporation which was incorporated with its principle place of business in the state of Tranquility.
Unfortunately for the partnership, business was slow, so when Hawk approached them to inquire about the possibility of leasing one of the planes, the partners agreed. All negotiations with respect to the lease were conducted in the State of Euphoria, and Hawk, who was a licensed pilot, picked up the plane there and flew it back to an airfield in Wishagain. Under the terms of the lease, Hawk was to send her monthly lease payments to the partnership in Euphoria; additionally, Hawk was required to return the plane for service ever three months to Sparrow and Wren in Euphoria. The lease also provided that in the event maintenance took longer then three hours, Hawk would be provided with a loaner Porsche Carrera to transport her back and forth from Wishagain. (The partnership did not wish to give Hawk their other plane as a loaner, but during negotiations Hawk agreed to accept a fancy sports car in lieu of another plane during any lengthy maintenance service).
Hawk, who serves as the managing partner of her law firm in Wishagain, recently hired Glen Goldfinch, a first year law student at Wishagain State University Law School, to work during the summer in her office to do some research. Goldfinch was born and raised in a state of Anxiety. He received his B.A. from Anxiety State University and lived at home with his parents during his four undergraduate years to save money. When he was accepted at Wishagain State University Law School, he signed a 9 month lease to live in the WSU Law School Dormitory; when he got the summer job at Hawk's firm, he sublet an apartment in Wishagain from another Law Student who had left the area for the summer. As a result of his lack of funds, Goldfinch does not have a car, but was planning to purchase one with his earnings from his summer employment. Goldfinch was hoping that as a result of his summer work in Hawk's firm he would be offered a permanent position upon his graduation; during his preemployment discussions with Hawk, Hawk did in fact suggest that the summer position might lead to an offer of future employment. In anticipation of getting a permanent job with Hawk's firm, Goldfinch registered to vote in Wishagain on May 1, 2002.
Shortly after Goldfinch began work at Hawk's firm, Hawk suggested that he accompany her and one of her partners, Paula Pigeon, to a deposition in the neighboring State of Depression. Goldfinch eagerly agreed; he was anxious to spend as much time as he could with Hawk to impress her with his intelligence and legal ability. While en route, the plane experienced mechanical difficulties and crashed in the State of Depression. Fortunately, both passengers, Pigeon and Goldfinch, as well as Hawk, the pilot, all survived. All three-Hawk, Pigeon, and Goldfinch were treated at the crash site by Dan Dove, an EMS worker and then rushed to Depression General Hospital. While Dove worked at Depression General, he lived in the nearby state of Wishagain.
Goldfinch was first to sue. He retained an attorney, Frank Falcon from the law firm of Falcon, Krestel, and Cardinal located in Depression. Falcon and Goldfinch had several discussions about where to file the suit. Falcon favored filing in Depression since he thought the law was more favorable there; Goldfinch suggested that Wishagain was just as convenient since the Wishagain Federal Court was only 75 miles from the crash site and 65 miles from Depression General. In the end, Goldfinch v. Sparrow and Wren Wings was filed in the Depression Federal Court on February 1, 2002. (The crash took place on January 15th, 2002 and Depression has a 2 year statute of limitations.) Goldfinch's claim was that Sparrow and Wren had no properly maintained the plan and that faulty maintenance was the cause of the crash.
Yeah, the best part-this exam was written by a Dean at my school.
Ohh, and, the stalker just cornered me and left his stuff by me and asked me to watch it. I'm sure he'll come back and sit with me. In case any of you were doubting he's an old man, here is a picture of his bag and jacket. Clearly nobody under the age of 40 would carry that bag.
8:05 Leave the House.
8:06-8:30 Rock Out to Exam Mix CD and skim outline at traffic lights.
8:31 Stop at Starbucks for a Water, Cheese Danish, and Grande White Mocha.
8:32-8:45 Read Outline while waiting for White Mocha.
8:46 Immediately regret the decision to not get a Venti.
8:47 Check the Traffic Report and realize there is an accident on the highway you take to school. Get annoyed as part of natural reaction, then realize the stopped traffic will provide an opportunity to study and that you have plenty of time. Resume Rocking Out and Studying while driving.
8:50 Eat Cheese Danish.
9:05 Immediately regret the decision to eat the entire Cheese Danish.
9:15 Try to park in lot right in front of school and even though it's empty for some reason it says "FULL." Get annoyed and go park in the garage across the street.
9:20 Finish Rocking out, grab books out of trunk that have been in there for at least the last 2 months without being removed. Feel relieved that they're there as you didn't even bother to make sure they were there.
9:23 Bum a cigarette and smoke it. Feel good that you didn't buy a pack and realize that even though you haven't smoked in awhile you're allowed setbacks now and again.
9:27 Walk into exam room, 3 minutes early I might add. Set Pink Mechanical Pencil, Pink Pen, Water, and White Mocha on desk. Decide to leave Pink Scarf on since the room is freezing.
9:28 Proctor hands out exam, he actually doesn't look like he was pulled off the street.
9:29 Fill out Exam card
9:30 Begin Exam, write exam number on every page and read the instructions, procrastinate starting the exam.
9:35 Begin 30 Question Multiple Choice Section.
9:45 ADD takes hold and you feel the need to stand up, use closing the doors to the room as an excuse to move around a bit without looking like a weirdo.
9:46 Resume Multiple Choice Section.
9:48 Consider just filling all the bubbles with "C" and making an escape.
9:55 Start nodding off. Maybe you shouldn't have talked to people online until 2 a.m. when you knew you had to be up early for this exam.
9:58 Continue nodding off.
10:01 Realize you'd be better off if you were refreshed for the exam. Put your head down.
10:08 Get back to the multiple choice.
10:15 ADD is firmly taking hold again. Get up and go to the bathroom this time.
10:17 Wash hands, check out hair in the mirror, apply lip gloss.
10:18 Resume Multiple Choice, the end is in sight.
10:28 Finish Multiple Choice Section, consider checking over answers but then realize your first impression is usually right-or so you've heard-better leave those answers alone.
10:30 Begin 40 Question True/False Section. Read instructions, find out we have to write why an answer is false if we choose false. Interesting. Ok.
10:40 Take a break and drink your coffee. Damn, waited a bit too long, it's a little too cold. Better put your exam across your desk and close it so you don't spill on it.
10:50 Resume True/False Section.
11:12 Finish True/False Section.
11:13 Consider checking over answers, again decide it's not in your best interest.
11:14 Hand exam to proctor and offer him some cough drops you have in your bag since he's coughing.
11:15 Pack up stuff and realize you finished the exam 75 minutes early...Score, time to slack off, and write a blog post before starting to study for tax.
Monday, December 12, 2005
30 Years from now when I'm living on the streets because I was unable to pay back all the debt I incurred attending undergrad and law school, undoubtably I'll run into one of my former classmates. Below is a rough approximation of the conversation that will ensue:
Elle Woods: [So and So]? I went to Law School with you! Remember me? I'm [Elle Woods]!
Random Lawyer: [Elle]! What happened? Heroin? Crack?
Elle Woods: No man, AIM and Blogging.
Random Lawyer: Ohh. Well, that's too bad.
Elle Woods: Yeah, I suppose I should have studied for my employment discrimination and tax finals. Hey, you got any spare change? I heard you're working for _____, you've got to be making 7 figures.
Random Lawyer: Get a Job, your revolution is over. My condolences, the bums lost.
After my lovely little "study" session at Panera Bread I decided to reward myself. I went to Best Buy to purchase another DVD, sadly the line was so long to pay I decided I should just get back to studying instead.
On my way home as I passed Office Max I realized I should pick up pens and pencils for tomorrow so I'm not "that girl" who borrows them from other people. Now, picking out pens and pencils for me is a bit of an ordeal. For exams pens must write in blue or black (preferably black), yet I prefer that they are pink as it is my power color. Pencils are easy to find which meet this set of criteria, however, pens are a bit more difficult as the ink tends to be pink. As a result, I spent a lot of time looking at pens today. After a couple minutes an Office Max employee came over and this exchange occured [bracked sections represent my thoughts]. Please remember that I'm currently extremely bitter and really should just be left alone.
Tyrone: Can I help you with anything?
Elle Woods: No, I think I'm all set. [Do I really look like the type of moron who can't pick out a f*cking pen or pencil?]
Tyrone walks about 5 feet away and proceeds to stare at me for a minute or so.
Tyrone: I'm sorry, can I ask you something?
Elle Woods: Umm, sure I guess. [Seriously WTF? Just leave me alone!]
Tyrone: What's your name?
Elle Woods: [Elle]. [Is this guy seriously hitting on me right now? I just want to buy some damn writing utensils! Damn, did I just tell this clown my real name?]
Tyrone: Pretty name for a pretty girl.
Elle Woods: [Did he really just use that line? Seriously, why have I not learned to give a fake name yet?].
Tyrone: Can I ask if you're married?
Elle Woods: [Holds up left hand without a ring on it.]
Tyrone: Does that mean you're thinking about it?
Elle Woods: If I was thinking about getting married there would be a rock there.
Tyrone: So [Elle], can I call you?
Elle Woods: I don't know. [Wow, that answer made no sense, hopefully he understands that was a "No." This is so what I get for showering and putting on clothing other then sweatpants during exams!]
Tyrone walks back over to the cash register. Luckily, just as I was ready to cash out another girl opened a register and I was able to avoid talking to him again.
*Sometimes I wonder if people get all the song/movie quotes I use as titles. Most of the time I try to put them in quotes unless I think they're really obvious, but ohh well.
I recently noted the high point, so I thought it fitting to point out the low point as well.
Tonight my brother had his Football Team Banquet. He's a senior so even though I'd never gone before I thought it would be appropriate to attend. All the seniors give a speech and after his injury and surgery I really wanted to hear what he had to say.
Following the dinner the traditional format for an event such as this began; recognition of all the players individually, presentation of awards, senior speeches, recognition of coaches, recognition of parents.
After the dinner plates were cleared I pulled my Employment Discrimination Outline out of my purse and began reviewing as I waited for my brother to speak. At the end of the night one of my brother's friends father's who is an attorney came over and asked what class I had been studying for, as if it was not that odd that I had found it necessary to take my outline to such an event and use any spare time whatsoever to study.
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Just to demonstrate what is really important to me I decided to post pictures of my Tax Outline(s).*
Here is my pretty purple binder:
Here is a side view of all my tabs:
Pink tabs are for the classnotes (of a friend), Yellow is for the outline generously donated by a reader, and Blue is for the Power Point Slides the Professor posts and Sample Exams.
We can clearly see what all my "study" time has been spent doing. However, I contend that it will pay off in the long run as when other students see me walk in looking well rested with a binder this organized they'll start second guessing themselves. It might be Bush League Psych-Out Stuff but that's how I roll.
*Do not think that because I have multiple outlines it means I'm prepared or that I myself actually created any of them.
[8:30 on Saturday Night, my friend and I are sitting in the comfy chairs getting a caffeine fix before we go out. In front of us is a table of 3 spoiled high school kids studying.]
Future Frat Boy: You can take the trailer out of the park but you can't take the park out of the trailer.
Elle Woods to Friend: What does that even mean?
Friend: I don't know, let's go get a drink.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Ok, that's it. I've f*cking had it with law school. I have 2 exams on Tuesday and I hate school so much I can't even f*cking force myself to study for them. (Hopefully adderall will at least get me studying). Literally, I have not even looked at my classnotes or cracked a book. It's not like my classnotes are going to help me at all as I missed about a month of school AFTER I'd pretty much exhausted my absences in my classes anyway. Is all of this my fault? Yes. Is it my fault my Employment Discrimination and Tax exams are on the same day? Apparently, Yes, as was so kindly pointed out to me by Mr. Misery (doesn't that name remind you of those books with the little people on them called "Ms. Happy" or "Mr. Smiley"? I loved those books...I wish my law books were 1/2 as interesting as those books) "You didn't check the exam schedule before you picked your classes?" No Sir, No I did not. I wanted to have class just on Tuesday and Thursday. And really, what is more important a semester of just having 2 days of class a week and saving a ton of money on gas let alone wear and tear on your car? Or, avoiding one super stressful day? Yeah, I'm going sweet schedule for 16 weeks all the way.
To make matters worse when I went into the library the other day to play my music on my headphones too loudly and hope to make a 1L crack as I talked on AIM and avoided studying I didn't even see anyone cry. WTF is that, are 1L's prepared this year? Maybe it's because at 4:30 on Thursdays when they were done with all their class except for legal writing for the week they were all in the library studying making it hard for me to get a table to slack off at before class instead of at the bar like they should have been.
My biggest problem is that I know law school is f*cking stupid and pointless (hence why I've already put a deposit on BarBri). Do not even get me started on incurring $100,000 in debt to go to a school that you hate, be made to feel like you're a dumb ass daily, be forced to prepare because of some stupid teaching method (as if I prepare-HA!), not learn anything that will actually help you with your future career, or how to pass the bar, and THEN have to spend a couple MORE grand on some class that you have to sit in 8 hours a day for months which teachs you everything you were already supposed to know. The worst part is that people just blindly follow this method as if it makes sense. Even sadder, are the people like me who know it makes no sense, and yet follow it because we feel we have no other choice. We, are the people that drink because there has to be some outlet for all the frustration, outside of killing hookers since that gets messy (Sorry, that wasn't PC, I meant "killing Sex Workers").
I realized law school was just cruel punishment about a week in to Civil Procedure B. I had sat there not getting what was going on at all for a week. "What happened to the rules? What is the dean rambling about? Does this make any sense to anyone? Ohh, I get it, we're now covering Subject Matter Jurisdiction and In Personam Jurisdiction and deciding if a court can hear the matter, enforce a judgment, and exercise jurisdiction over the parties." Ok, here's a thought. How about we cover whether the law suit can even be filed BEFORE we cover how to do so and how to drag people in and how to combine actions and how to become really rich (win a class action). Moves like this are done just to confuse students. I can come up with no other valid justification (outside of me being smarter then Law Professors, but I thought that was a given). Medical School is actually challenging and as a result administrators feel they need to make law school hard so we don't have to feel bad about making so much money, so they employ ridiculous methods to make it difficult which really just piss people like me off and drive us to start drinking even more heavily then before.
Ohh and f*ck all the law review kids and their shared outlines. And how you all have offices to put your jackets and scarves and books in and I have to carry mine around all day like a bag lady. I could study if the homeless guys in the library would leave me alone and stop asking for legal advice too, but they won't. But you get to improve your grades even more by having your own little office. I swear to god I'm going to get a key to the law review offices and blare Journey one day during exams just so I can see all of you melt down over missing 30 seconds of study time while they forcibly remove me from the office.
Moral of the story, don't go to law school. I swear, if there was some option with student loans in which your debt would be forgiven if you chose not to graduate from school it wouldn't even be a serious debate, I'd take it in a second and say goodbye to law school forever.
Yeah, I know this post was a rant and made no sense, but if you point it out and I swear I will find you, and I will cut you. I am also aware that 99% of this is my own fault, and I will also cut you if you point that out.
Additionally, if anyone has an Employment Discrimination outline they'd like to share with me my e-mail address can be found at the right.
Ok, I feel way better now that I let all that out. Plus the adderall is kicking in so I'm going to attempt to study.