I Still Cannot Compose Coherent Paragraphs.

It should come as no surprise that it was another [Woods] Family Christmas for the record books. In no particular order:

1. Uncle Crackhead brought his girlfriend's new 5lb puppy to Christmas Eve. It was bought at a Pet Shop, do not even get me started on my hatred of people who buy animals from pet shops.
2. After Theodore had played with the dog my Uncle blurted out that the dog has Giardia. Apparently bringing a dog with an extremely contagious (to humans and other dogs) parasitic infection to a holiday function is fair-game. After I found this out I elected to take Theodore home.
3. Said puppy was purchased OVER A WEEK AGO yet the prescription has not been picked up. Most likely the dog will die of the infection before they get around to taking care of it.
4. Neither Uncle Crackhead or his Girlfriend are allowed unsupervised visitation with their children, yet they got a dog. Obviously they are already taking stellar care of the puppy.
   
5. My brother and Cousins organized a beer pong tournament in the basement. All of participants were under the age of 21.
6. On the way home my brother drunkenly declared to my parents that he "smokes weed" and is "proud" of it. I repeatedly advised him to shut up. I finally understand how Criminal Attorney's feel when their clients just cannot keep their mouths shut to the cops.
7. Giving Theodore bones really just results in stress to him, as he paces the house trying to find a place to hide it (since all the humans he lives with are clearly dying to steal his treats).
8. My brother apparently still suffers from bouts of sleep walking like he did as a child.
   
9. When my brother is sleep walking he seems to think his door is a toilet.
10. Yelling "Stop pissing on your door! Why are you doing that?" to someone who is sleep walking is an ineffective way to wake them. They might respond, but they will not wake up.
    
11. Telling them to clean up their piss while they are sleep walking is also an ineffective way to wake them, however, eventually they will clean it up if you nag them enough and direct them on each individual step.
    
12. Even making someone who is sleep walking shower does not wake them up. They still won't remember anything in the morning.
13. Sleep walking is a really weird disorder.
14. Shopping today was awesome.
    

Yeah. I need therapy after these Holidays.

Morning Wake Up Call

Alternate title: How I made $25 bucks today.
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8:30 a.m., the house phone rings, for some reason, I answer it.
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Elle: Hello?
Male Voice: Is [Jonathon] there?
Elle: He's working.
Male Voice: (annoyed) I found his wallet. It was on my sister's furnace. I assume he was doing something down there with my niece.
Elle: My dad was doing something with your niece?
Male Voice: Huh? How old are you? Your dad is 20?
Elle: Ohh, I guess you mean my brother. That sounds more like him.
Male Voice: Well, if it's alright I can drop it off for you. I'm not even going to ask what he was doing that he left his wallet on top of the furnace.
Elle: (mumbling) I can guarantee it was one of 2 things.
Male Voice: Excuse me?
Elle: Nothing. I should be around all day, you can drop it off whenever.

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Later in the day....
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Brother: What up?
Elle: I have your wallet.
Brother: The one I lost this summer?
Elle: Yes, but didn't you lose 2 this summer?
Brother: Whatever. I found the 2nd one I lost. Where was it? Did Jill have it?
Elle: No. It was at some other chick's house. On her furnace. I think her name was Amanda. Her uncle called. Super early. Super Annoyed.
Brother: I've never even been to her house. I know who she is, but I've never been there.
Elle: Whatever. You owe me. It's obvious you were either smoking something you shouldn't have been or screwing based on where it was found.
Brother: Yeah. Umm. Do me a favor, I'm sure there are zigzags and condoms in there, take them out in case mom and dad see it before I get home.
Elle: I'm keeping the money in here as an idiot tax, I hope you know that.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The last time I saw my Crackhead Uncle I had Theodore with me. He proceeded to be a complete dick and was rude to everyone around just because Theodore was there (even though he was politely laying on the floor chewing his rawhide). However, that assessment might be a bit unfair since I could not actually understand what he was saying, I'm just judging from his general tone.

If he tries it today I won't be polite and will most likely offer some tidbit along the lines of "just because you're a crackhead/alcoholic and your kids aren't allowed to see you let alone come to holidays does not mean you need to be rude to mine, he was invited, unlike your crackwhore girlfriend."

This should go over well.

I Need to be Able to Afford an Apartment.

When did the Swiffer become a substitute for a sponge and a little elbow grease?

It seriously drives me insane when I ask for something to clean up a spill with and someone either directs me to or brings me a swiffer. They are clumsy and move in jerky patterns across any sort of tile (which correct me if I'm wrong, but that is the surface they were designed to be used on).

Yes, I do technically have "better" things to do than blog about cleaning products on Friday night. But I chose to stay home with the baby, which resulted in him finding an old bag of onions (do not even ask), which led to the floor needing to be cleaned, which led to me asking for something "to scrub the floor with", which led to my Mother bringing me a swiffer to use in an foot wide area under a stand in the kitchen, which led to me bitching about how there was NO possible way to even manipulate the swiffer within the space and how crappy swiffers are in general, which led to a pissed off post after 9 p.m. on a Friday rampant with run on sentences about cleaning products. This all also led to a fight with my father about me leaving a sponge out (when he wouldn't so much as get off his ass and get me paper towel so I could dry the area I scrubbed on my hands and knees)-which I could not get up to get since I was attempting to keep the baby away from the bleachy floor.

Also, why was I told that I didn't need to cook dinner tonight since "they were", yet we have yet to eat and dinner is just now going into the oven. So at best we they will eat at 10:00 p.m. and I will go hungry since I cannot eat this late at night.

You Expect Me to Title Posts Before 8 a.m.?

Things smoothed out with the asshole trainer. Basically I realized he is a idiot who needed to be shown who the "Alpha Dog" is. So when he called Teddie "She" again I just gave him a look, he quickly corrected himself. When he called me "Sweetie" I snapped back "Actually, it's Doctor¹." Then when all the other (idiot) dogs were unable to demonstrate stay, down, and wait all of a sudden Teddie was his favorite dog to work with. Which was still moderately annoying to me since he tried every.other.dog. first, but whatever.

My brother leaves today to drive across the country. You'd think he'd have hung out with me once since the bar, but no. Plus now we are in this HUGE fight since I told his friend about how he and his other friend were pissing in Gatorade bottles when they would party here (since they didn't want to wake up the house flushing the toilet) and then label it"PISS" and put them in the refrigerator-only to be found by me at a later date. Do not even ask why they didn't just piss in the yard, piss off the deck, piss into the woods, piss in the street, piss into a toilet and not flush. I do not know the answer despite many questions being asked. Then he got Teddie "into a condition where he ate more dog food at 11 pm" last night, which was the last straw for me and I flipped out on him about how inconsiderate and irresponsible he is and how I couldn't wait until he had kids since I was going to buy them as many substances as they wanted to indulge in.

¹Juris Doctor, does that count?

Tired.

Time my Brother got home last night: 11:50 p.m.
Number of friends he brought with him: 4
Number of those friends who had dreadlocks: 1
Number of glasses of wine I had with them on the deck before Teddie and I went to bed: 2
Time I was woken up by them still partying: 4:20

Kids These Days.

My brother and I have had it out a couple times since I moved back in. You would think it would be one of us fighting with our parents, but he has been extremely inconsiderate so there has been much yelling despite us generally being friends.

I moved in Saturday, he was working a wedding and called here numerous times after 10:00 p.m. (which my Dad told him was the latest he is allowed to call like 3 days before this) to ask stupid questions-I'm not really sure what transpired since the Baby and I were tired. Generally he calls to let them know he is too messed up to drive home, I think he should start using better time management skills and get messed up earlier if he needs to call home before 10. So he gets home on Saturday at 2:02 a.m.¹, proceeds to enter the master suite (where my parents are sleeping) and go take a shower. Despite there being 2 other showers in the house, one of which is in the basement bathroom where nobody would have even heard. Cut to the end of his 15 minute shower when he starts:

1. Telling my parents he is going out.
2. Telling my parents he is going to go hot-tubing with 2 chicks he and his friend met at the wedding they were working.
3. Telling my parents the girls parents invited them over and saying they were allowed to stay the night.
4. Asking if he can take a case of beer since it's too late to buy it, as if he is old enough to buy it.
5. Justifying being allowed to take the beer since he was going to be staying the night with the skanks he met whose drunk parents apparently invited he and his friend over.

Seriously. Then at 10:30 a.m. when I was talking to the puppy he started FREAKING OUT yelling at me that I was waking him up. It was around this time when I gave him an explanation regarding appropriate times to talk and be active around the house and how 2 a.m. was not one of those times.

So then last night he went out and came home at 4 a.m., at which point he again woke the dog up. So I took it out to potty, and of course it didn't have to go. Awesome.

¹At which point I woke up, and went to grab a glass of water without taking the puppy out since he appeared to still be sleeping. I was wrong and the puppy peed on the carpet. Clearly this had me a bit mad since he would have just kept sleeping and been fine had he not been woken up.

I Am Too Tired to Name This Post.

So much has happened in the last 48 hours I can barely wrap my mind around it.

Thursday:
-My grandparents get a $1000 Mobil for the month of May. It was abundantly clear based on the locations, times of use, and repeated charges within a 5 minute span that my crackhead uncle had stolen my Grandpa's speedpass and had not only been using it to fill his tank (and most likely his girlfriends' tank), but was also most likely selling gas (a la Reality Bites). Yet, I my grandparents refused to acknowledge that he had, or even could have, stolen from them.
-Despite this, I was informed that the day earlier he had asked if he could move in on July 4th (since he is being evicted from his house). Apparently that is what happens when you don't pay your house payment. Who knew? It's worth noting that he had a year to cure, so he's known this was coming and didn't mention anything until a week before he had to move in, we all knew his house was owned by the bank, but we had no idea when/if that occurred or if he would be moving in. It's also worth noting here that he cannot move in with his girlfriend since she has supervised visitation, related to something which occurred at my uncle's house which the children witnessed-so he cannot be around them at all. Translation: her 5 year old twins saw him/them smoking crack.
-Of course my grandparents decided to let him move in. I know it's their son and all, but the reality is they have been supporting him for over 2 years now and he hasn't gotten better, he's gotten worse as addicts tend to do. At what point do you recognize what you are doing is not working and change the pattern?
-I inform them I will be moving out if he moves in since I am not going to watch that on a daily basis and I refuse to be a part of that much dysfunction. I get treated like I am being a drama queen as a result of this.
-As a result of realizing I need to move before July 4th I have roughly 87 panic attacks, cry for 2 hours, leave and go stay with a friend for the evening, eat Maggie Moo's Tiramisu Ice Cream for dinner, drink Mojito's and watch The O.C. while we gossip.
-I was virtually unable to fall asleep and got maybe 3 hours.

Friday:
-BarBri MBE 200 Question Practice Exam (which I scored well on, yay me!).
-Getting keys to the new place, the details of which my mom worked out for me during the day on Friday.

Saturday:
-Pack, move, and unpack in under 5 hours. Sure I have to go back after the bar and get a lot of my (winter) clothes I didn't bring, but it was nonetheless it was an impressive feat.

Weird.

My Baby¹ brother just told me he needs to go get more coffee. I'm really impressed that he's staying up studying, but I'm also really weirded out the fact that he drinks coffee.

Additionally I tabbed my PMBR and BarBri books using a colour coded system. Blue for multistate topics; Pink for Michigan subjects; Yellow for special topics such as differentiation or essay writing skills, and for the book with multistate questions of varying difficulty (in each subject) pink is for easy, blue is for medium and yellow is for difficult. I know it seems unnecessary, but I have this extreme hatred of having to flip around books looking for subjects-particularly when there are no indexes (indexi?) in the crappy books.

¹19 year old.

"If I could escape..."

Earlier today I broke a vase. It wasn't some heirloom or anything important. It was just a foot tall, 4'' square, clear glass vase. The flowers that came it in were of the "congratulations on being done with law school classes" variety. I had intended to plant bamboo in it. Thinking it would be a nice reminder of getting the flowers as well as my "accomplishment." I washed it out and went to dry it, at which point it tipped over and shattered.

Normally I'd just shrug, clean up the glass and that would be it. But not today. Not while I'm all hormonal; stressed with finals; terrified of bar study, unemployment, and student loan payments. First the tears welled up, then for whatever reason, I started sobbing. The entire thing was such a metaphor for my entire law school career. Just because you have the best of intentions doesn't mean it's not going to come crashing down on you in some bizarre way you never expected and shatter you into 1000 pieces.

Being that I was upset I decided that taking care of my barloan paperwork (since I've been procrastinating on that in avoidance of "making it all real") would be a better idea than trying to study or work on the 5-Day Take Home from Hell. Long story short, I'm rather sure my identity has been stolen. I was going through a lender I've never so much as tried to use-yet they have my social security number as already in use. Then I tried to have my username and password sent to me, which required I enter my email address. I entered every email address I've ever used and none were recognized. Of course I can't do anything about this until tomorrow morning, as if I'll get anything done between now and then.

The thing is, I can't imagine what idiot would ever want to be me. If someone really wants to deal with working nearly full time; taking 5 classes; spending 2 hours a day communting; coping with grandparents who have Alzheimers, Lung Cancer, and M.S.; finals; BarBri; PMBR; barloans; student loans and whatever else might come up all while attempting to have perfect hair and making sure their T-Zone doesn't get oily they can. I just hope they realize my credit wasn't that great to begin with so the joke is on them.

-------------------------------------------------------

I would but first of all let me say,
I must apologize for acting, stinking, treating you this way,
Cause I've been acting like sour milk fell on the floor,
It's your fault you didn't shut the refridgerator,
Maybe that's the reason I've been acting so cold.

Good Morning Vietman.

1. My Mother called me at 8:02. She proceeded to act shocked that I wasn't up by then. I suppose it's semi valid since whenever I stay there I tend to get up rather early in the morning and go home. This could have to do with the fact that they converted my room into an office so my choices are my brother's room or the couch. Neither room have very good drapes so basically no matter what you're woken up by the sun around 8 a.m., at which time I go home (and generally sleep more).
2. I always seem to sleep on the side of the bed. At first I thought it was a remnant of sharing a bed with someone regularly (years ago), but then I thought back and even as a kid I would always sleep on one side of the bed. The only time I didn't was in freshman year of college (when I had a twin bed) so it wasn't really like there were "sides."
3. I'm watching Half Nelson with Ryan Gosling, I highly recommend it. Yes, I do watch a lot of movies, television shows, and go to a lot of sporting events during finals. I have to keep myself occupied somehow.
   

Just A Typical Weekend

Busy, busy weekend. Not only did the entire family come over for Easter (complete with disappearing acts from Uncle Crackhead every 20 minutes and more pushing the food around the plate than actually eating), but I also got digital cable. And a Tivo DVR. So far there have been 2 service calls this weekend and while I do have all the channels now, the DVR isn't work properly still (it doesn't record-call me crazy but I feel that might be the most important feature) and they can't come fix it until next Saturday thanks to "my" schedule.

I know what you're thinking. 2 service calls? The first serviceman just left and told me I had to go get a box from the service center since the one had "allocated" to me wasn't working and it was only getting 2 channels. So after I drove 30 miles round trip and hooked it up (eventually summoning my father, the electrician) it turned out that it was not the first box (or the 2nd box) but some other issue which he should have fixed. So after 2 hours on the phone demanding it be fixed that night customer service told me the first tech was going to come back between 4-6 that afternoon (this had all started a 9:30). Big surprise, 6:30 rolls around, he's not here, and when I call to check up and explain the situation for the 87 Millionth time to customer service, when they tried to call him, he had turned off his phone. At which point I demanded someone else come-since I'm already missed my chance to go see Grindhouse and figured I'd be in all night anyway. So technician #2 tried to make me feel bad for "making him miss dinner with his family"-as if I have a heart.

So when technician #2 left everything was working, and then around 10pm as I was attempting to program all my recordings (yes, that is what I did on Saturday night, back off or I will hurt you). At that point I spent another hour on the phone, at which point it was determined I needed another service call-which they promised to be able to do Monday without me missing work. Only when I was called today to finalize that wasn't possible. So after I threw another tantrum and started negotiating I ended up with free DVR for 6 months and free HBO for a year. Apparently my junior lawyer card works occasionally.

Golf/Lawyer Joke Forwarded to Me By My Dad...

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?" The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant.

Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately.

The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 10 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:40."

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week.

She smiled and said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:40." The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand.

By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 10 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally she showed up.

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his 'you-know-what' was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

All the girls on the team thought this was hysterical." Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?" She said, "Then I'm ten minutes late."

"That's impossible, Rhonda. How can you sleep when you're high on crack? Chinese riddle for you."

I decided to do an accounting of my crackhead (and alcoholic) Uncle's activities-that I am aware of-in the last week or so. Because really, what is the point of having a crackhead uncle if you can't write about it?

1. Came over a few days ago to drink beer and stayed even after my grandparents went to bed (at 10:00 p.m.)-the traditional queue to leave.
2. Was talking extremely fast, mumbling, and continually disappeared.
   
3. Stole a bottle of white wine from our house.
4. Stole a bottle of rum from our house.
5. Poured a ton off the vodka bottle, since he knows better than to take that.
6. "Replaced" the rum bottle in the liquor cabinet with a random empty red wine bottle which he apparently brought to the house since nobody here recognizes the type of wine.
7. Ate my leftover chinese.
   
8. Wandered around the basement and presumably took other stuff.
9. Came back and let himself, his girlfriend and her friend in at 3:00 a.m. (waking up my grandparents), to look for his leather jacket. He couldn't remember if he had left it here or at the "place" crackhouse in a shady area he'd been at previously.
10. Said jacket was not here, so presumably he was too high to realize it was effing cold and he needed a jacket or he sold it for crack.
    
11. Presumably drank more beer.
12. Called me last night at 1:00 a.m. to let me know he was coming over since he was "hungry"-he didn't want to scare anyone coming over that late so he called ahead (this time).
13. Woke up my grandparents again, and prompted my grandma to make him something to eat.
    
14. Finished the vodka and kahlua, both bottles were 1/2 full.
15. Took the leftovers from the (delicious) dinner my boss bought me while I was working late Friday.
    
16. Stayed until 3:00 a.m., at which point my grandma told him they needed to go back to bed.
    

"Sweat Your Perm Out."

Vacation was excellent, I've decided I'm moving to Southern California. Maybe I'll post pictures when I get semi caught up on stuff.

Until then, entertain yourselves with Katt Williams HBO Stand Up The Pimp Chronicles-a little something my brother and his roommate introduced me to. Sure it's almost an hour worth of clips, but you're most likely a law student, so it's not like you have anything better to do. Language extremely NSFW, or anywhere else.

Part 1: Introduction
Part 2: Katt on Weed
Part 3: Katt on "Upward Mobility" and Racial Diversity
Part 4: Katt dancing-a dance which I taught an 18 year old Southerner how to do.
Part 5: Katt on Michael Jackson

Today I...

1. was rear-ended on the way to work.
2. had a severe headache, and neck ache (see #1).
3. limped around due to foot pain (also see #1).
4. had to stop and get gas in what my dad referred to as "the worst area [I] could possibly be in."
5. was told I don't have health insurance while trying to pick up $200 in prescriptions.
6. called my parents to tell them #5, at which point my mother demanded to speak to the pharmacy clerk-as if they could do anything-to try and explain that I should have insurance.
7. am cranky.

"Generation Next, Next Phase, Next Stage, Next Grade, Next Wave."

The only thing worse than being a Gen-Xer is being a Gen-Yer. You're basically a Gen-Xer who missed out on everything.

You got into Nirvana (years) after the death of Kurt Cobain, the fall of the Berlin Wall is a vague memory and something you learn about in history classes, you listened to the Spice Girls (and saw the movie, your parents fed you Ritalin while you fed yourself X¹, and you were in high school during Columbine-looking around to nerdy kids and deciding to maybe be a bit nicer to them.

It's like my aunt who was born in 1965 who is always trying to say she's a baby boomer at Holiday functions, while all my other family members roll their eyes.

At least I'm not part of the "Internet Generation" like my brother, and know that an e-mail is not a proper thank-you and that the world did function before facebook and myspace.

¹Seriously, I didn't. I was of the opinion that was pretty much the lamest drug you could ever take, and still am.

"Come on to My House, My House A-Come-On, I'm Going to Give You Candy."

My grandparents just informed me that their new favorite show is The Girls Next Door, before that is was "Vanna"¹ and "Reg"². My grandma kept asking me if "Hef sleeps with all of them" since "he kisses them all on the mouth."

¹Wheel of Fortune
²Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

"There are two kinds of women: high maintenance and low maintenance."

"Which one am I?"
"You're the worst kind. You're high maintenance but you think you're low maintenance."

There's nothing quite as bad as all the control freak women in my family (my mom, her mom, my dad's mom, my dad's sister...ok, and myself) getting together at the Holidays. The women are doing a poor job of hiding their claws and the poor men have no idea who they're supposed to listen to.

The thing is, I don't see what's wrong with being a control freak, I like things how I like them. And the longer I go without a long term relationship the worst my control freak tendencies get, since I don't have to compromise (which I admittedly love), and so now I'm just growing more and more set in my ways.

"The Kid is an L, 7 Weeiny."

Friend: You're killing me smalls¹.
Me: The sick thing, I'm totally watching The Sandlot right now.

¹Regarding my refusal to drive after spending an evening drinking with my uncles once they got into town.