Signs You Have Drug/Alcohol Addiction Issues

This list brought to you by my Uncle's Thanksgiving appearance

1. You walk in from the car carrying a beer.
2. Your pupils are dilated when you get there.
3. Your speech is slurred, and not "drunken slurring" but moreso since you're talking SO fast and your words are running together.
4. You pace around and can't sit still.
5. You rub your palms and scratch your arms.
6. You randomly disappear all evening.
7. You start a conversation about Phish and Trey Anastasio with your niece over dinner.
8. Said conversation leads to you telling her that your new Girlfriend (who's name is Merrily) went to Bonnaroo (which all of her friends went to so she knows what it's like).
9. You make your niece and nephew listen to Phish.
10. You hesitantly admit that the new girlfriend is someone you met this summer-a time period that you have since admitted you were addicted to crack cocaine during.
11. Your new girlfriend lost custody of her kids.
12. Your niece sees you inhaling from some sort of pipe during one of the time periods you were missing.