Friday, December 28, 2007

Friday Dog Blogging: Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

Theodore has been getting a lot of additional attention since his Uncle has been home. I think he's had to go into his crate for about 2 hours total in the last week since someone is always home now. Plus his Uncle has been trying to take him for runs. Theodore generally refuses to run and braces himself with all 4 legs so his Uncle usually ends up carrying him like a football, until they get close to home when Theodore wiggles out and sprints to the front door.

In unrelated news, I am currently debating if leftover Tiramisu could be considered a breakfast food. Unfortunately, I am leaning towards no.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

I Still Cannot Compose Coherent Paragraphs.

It should come as no surprise that it was another [Woods] Family Christmas for the record books. In no particular order:

  1. Uncle Crackhead brought his girlfriend's new 5lb puppy to Christmas Eve. It was bought at a Pet Shop, do not even get me started on my hatred of people who buy animals from pet shops.
  2. After Theodore had played with the dog my Uncle blurted out that the dog has Giardia. Apparently bringing a dog with an extremely contagious (to humans and other dogs) parasitic infection to a holiday function is fair-game. After I found this out I elected to take Theodore home.
  3. Said puppy was purchased OVER A WEEK AGO yet the prescription has not been picked up. Most likely the dog will die of the infection before they get around to taking care of it.
  4. Neither Uncle Crackhead or his Girlfriend are allowed unsupervised visitation with their children, yet they got a dog. Obviously they are already taking stellar care of the puppy.
  5. My brother and Cousins organized a beer pong tournament in the basement. All of participants were under the age of 21.
  6. On the way home my brother drunkenly declared to my parents that he "smokes weed" and is "proud" of it. I repeatedly advised him to shut up. I finally understand how Criminal Attorney's feel when their clients just cannot keep their mouths shut to the cops.
  7. Giving Theodore bones really just results in stress to him, as he paces the house trying to find a place to hide it (since all the humans he lives with are clearly dying to steal his treats).
  8. My brother apparently still suffers from bouts of sleep walking like he did as a child.
  9. When my brother is sleep walking he seems to think his door is a toilet.
  10. Yelling "Stop pissing on your door! Why are you doing that?" to someone who is sleep walking is an ineffective way to wake them. They might respond, but they will not wake up.
  11. Telling them to clean up their piss while they are sleep walking is also an ineffective way to wake them, however, eventually they will clean it up if you nag them enough and direct them on each individual step.
  12. Even making someone who is sleep walking shower does not wake them up. They still won't remember anything in the morning.
  13. Sleep walking is a really weird disorder.
  14. Shopping today was awesome.
Yeah. I need therapy after these Holidays.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Friday Dog Blogging: King of the Mountain Edition

Theodore looks like he is scaling Mt. Everest here. Really it's just a mound of snow from the snowblower and the blue background is my neighbor's house. I edited out the garbage cans that they ever so politely leave on the side of their garage rather than in it.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Discussion With Theodore: Part II

Scene: Elle Woods enters the house, Theodore, who is usually secured in his crate meets her at the front door.

Elle: What the hell are you doing out here? I put you in your crate this morning.

Theodore: Those bars can't hold me bitch.

Elle: No, seriously Circus Dog, how did you get out?

Theodore: I could tell you. But I'd have to kill you.

Elle: I'd love to see that. Since you lack the dexterity and oppose-able thumbs.

Theodore: Are you sure you stupid bitch?

Elle: You're calling me stupid? You ate your own shit one day last week.

Theodore: [Vomits].

Elle: Are you fucking kidding me? What the hell did you eat after your little escape?

Theodore: I forget, get down here and clean it up, maybe you'll figure it out dumbass.

Elle: Stop talking to me like that. See if I give you any rawhides for the next week.

Theodore: Whatever, that other bitch will.

Elle: You're talking about your grandmother like that now?

Theodore: [Vomits].

Elle: That better be it you freak.

Theodore: If you're lucky. Now, will you please sit the fuck down. I need someone to sit on and warm myself up and since you're the only one here I'll guess you'll do.

Elle: Like I want you around me.

Theodore: Come on baby, I'll never treat you like this again. You know how sorry I am when I hurt you, but you make me do it baby. I get jealous when you go out all day and leave me in that crate. You don't know what it's like to worry that you're playing with other dogs.

Elle: You're plenty of dog for me right now, don't worry.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Discussion with Theodore

I borrowed the dog translator from Law with Grace to help transcribe this recent conversation.

Boots? You fucking expect me to wear boots?

Well you were limping and acting like you hurt your paw on the salt the other day.

Theodore: So you bought a dog shoes? You've finally lost it.

It's not like they're pumps. Besides, I got you a matching sweater.

Ohh, the fact that you're trying to put me in a matching outfit makes it so much better. I tolerate the sweaters since it's fucking cold where you were dumb enough to decide to live. You're really an embarrassment, I hope you know that.

I know you're in your "teenage years" but you do not need to call me an embarrassment. Do you think I like it when you lick where your testicles used to be in front of people?

Theodore: I can't believe you have the audacity to bring that up. You castrate me and then pass judgment about how I choose to mourn the loss of my masculinity. I can't even properly hump those long haired whore dogs next door, and those bitches are begging for it if you know what I mean.

Thanks for that visual imagery. You were castrated when I adopted you, by the way. I thought you'd appreciate the boots. They could make going outside to go potty a bit more enjoyable.

Theodore: Potty? God you're an idiot. You know what would be more enjoyable. Not freezing my non-existent balls off when I have to go outside. I'm going to convince your brother to take me back to California with him when he leaves. I hear the bitches out there are major sluts.

Elle: Your uncle didn't even like you when you first got here. He only likes you now since he doesn't have to dog-sit you anymore during the day. Plus he'd just use you to pick up girls.

You're jealous of our bond. He told me I'm the best wingman he's ever had. Back to the topic at hand, I have a much better solution the wearing boots issue.

Fine, what is it you spoiled brat?

I'm just going to piss in the house. See if you can stop me dumbass.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Open Letter to Joe Lieberman,

Please stop trying to trick people into thinking you're an independent. You're not. You're a Republican. Democrats know it, and I get the feeling that the Republicans do too, although Ann Coulter hasn't been taking my phone calls recently so I'm not really sure.

It's not that I don't understand endorsing McCain. While I disagree with a lot of his political beliefs, but i think he has the most integrity of all the candidates (however that isn't saying much when the field includes Hillary, Mitt "Flip Flopper-Religion is Morality" Romney, and Mike "My Son Kills Animals" Huckabee) which is something that is easy to get behind these days. However, if you're going to endorse Republicans, call yourself one.


Sunday, December 16, 2007

Public Service Announcement

I hadn't mentioned any of this here since my ever so simple plan of ignoring it had been going rather well. But as I spend a lazy afternoon checking other sites I am seeing things that seem to fit the same pattern of what I experienced.

Beginning in September I started to receive threatening comments and emails on not only current but also really old posts. The comments were basically all the same, I was called a whore/slut/skank and the poster threatened to expose me. I was completely weirded out, but I ignored him, and it seemed to stop. Based on the comments I received and 5 minutes of investigation, he refers to himself as John or Jack most times (really narrows it down), he is most likely applying to law schools now, and I can provide an email address and other sites he's posted on using that email address if anyone is so inclined.

I write this not only to let other (female) bloggers know that this weirdo isn't just targeting them but also to explain why things will most likely taper off here in the near future. I've been rather tight lipped about it, but I found a job, in the area of law I wanted to practice in. I'm extremely excited and I don't want to take any actions that could compromise that. While I really enjoy posting here I really doubt I will be able to find the proper balance once I start work.

UPDATE: it's WAY more widespread than I thought. Grace posted his IP address, as I said earlier he has emailed me.

Snowy Weather

Theodore spent the day enjoying the fresh powder.

You Came And You Gave Without Taking...

All day yesterday there were constant television interruptions by local stations, warning of how mindblowingly awful the weather was going to be starting a little before midnight and lasting into Sunday. Realizing that this happens every-year in Michigan I wasn't too worried, since it's the snows that they don't predict that cause the issues, not the ones where the Road Commission is posed 12 hours before waiting for the first overtime of the season. This isn't Florida people, we know how to handle snow removal, and if you haven't figured out how to drive in it yet buy an SUV. Regardless, I had decided on a quiet night in, possibly baking cookies, since I've never been one for unnecessarily braving the snow.

Until one of my gays called me with an offer I just could not refuse. Barry Manilow tickets since his parents didn't want to go out when there was the possibility of snow fall. It's not that I'm some huge Barry Manilow fan (or "Fanilow" as I believe they like to be called), it's that I'm always up for an evening of feathery, glitterly, campy goodness.

I went in with high expectations, knowing people rave about what a showman he is, and the Fanilows were going crazy so I figured I was in for an amazing show. Sadly, I was wrong. The entire thing was very minimalist, with about 4 dancers until the last number (Copacabana), where in addition to the dancers Barry threw on a yellow jacket and 3 show girls with feathery Las Vegas style head-dresses joined them onstage. I could go on, but I somehow doubt anyone is still reading my random ass post about Barry Manilow.

I guess I'll just have to wait until the Spice Girls to get my full dose of Camp. I am certain they won't fail to deliver.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

It's Britney Bitch...

For those of you who are so inclined is showing Britney's new video Piece of Me in full online for 48 hours. It's my favorite song on the new album, the video is actually not bad, and Brit doesn't look like a crackwhore in it. Baby steps people.

Ohh Britney. I wish I could quit you. And while we're talking, that purple dress in the video could have used about an inch more fabric at the bottom, but I can forgive you for that.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Friday Cat(?) Blogging

Just when I thought cats couldn't scare me more than they already do. The article says the cats only glow where there isn't a lot of hair (mainly the face), however it's only a matter of time before these evil cats are cloned with hairless evil cats producing ultraviolet radiating supercats whose sole purpose in life is to torment me and host kitty rave parties where young impressionable cats use too much catnip and generally misbehave.

I do kinda feel sorry for the cats since it's clear that animal testing most likely occurs on them. Which I assume involves trance music being play at obnoxiously loud volumes to compare their sensitivity to regular cats.

Friday Dog Blogging: Dog Butt Edition

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Timeline of the Afternoon.

5:10-I am sitting on my bed reading emails when I hear a strange sound underneath. I pull Theodore out and pry open his mouth, where I find a piece of a wine glass he broke about a week ago (which I swore I found all of). I am unsure if he actually swallowed a piece of it or if he just "mouthed" it.

5:15-I begin feeding him bread as instructed by his doctor.

6:30-Theodore begins vomiting. Repeats said behavior roughly every 5 minutes. Bonus that there is no blood in the vomit. I begin pacing the house.

7:00-Theodore proves his intelligence, despite being dumb enough to chew glass, by ringing the bell to go outside and vomit, something he has not been trained to do.

7:10-My vet proposes the theory that Theodore is allergic to wheat, which is actually causing the vomiting. I finally sit down and Theodore cuddles up in my lap. I am waiting for him to vomit on me like some scorned Frat Boy for not paying better attention to him, which allowed him to get glass, and led us down this entire ordeal.

Sunday, December 9, 2007


Today I had a random, well dressed, stranger tell me he is in love with me after smelling me as I walked by in the mall. While clearly this was a weird thing to say, I find it even weirder that I can't even figure out what he was smelling; since the only things he could have smelled were my conditioner, soap, and a bit of solid perfume.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Friday Dog Blogging: Snow Dog Edition

Despite his size, Theodore proves his manly nature by his love of snow.

Sunday, December 2, 2007


I desperately needed new boots this year. While my various colors of 3''-4'' heeled leather boots are extremely practical for navigating the icey walkways and snowey sidewalks between my car and wherever I am going, they are not ideal for dog walking. I've owned UGGs before and while they are really warm (which is why I do not understand why people wear them in the summer or in California), they do not really hold up well in the snow.

So a couple weeks ago I started the quest for new winter boots. To complicate matters, 6 years ago when "The North Face Craze" swept across the country I swore I'd never buy one of their fleeces/backpacks/boots. A hiking backpack to carry your books to class, even in Michigan weather, is a bit excessive.

Being that I have a tradition of eventually selling out so long that 14 year old me would most likely not recognize 24 year old me it makes perfect sense that I bought these:

At least if I decide to take up hiking I'll be prepared (after I buy a new jacket since my Leather Jackets and Peacoats might not be warm enough).