I borrowed the dog translator from Law with Grace to help transcribe this recent conversation.
Theodore: Boots? You fucking expect me to wear boots?
Elle: Well you were limping and acting like you hurt your paw on the salt the other day.
Theodore: So you bought a dog shoes? You've finally lost it.
Elle: It's not like they're pumps. Besides, I got you a matching sweater.
Theodore: Ohh, the fact that you're trying to put me in a matching outfit makes it so much better. I tolerate the sweaters since it's fucking cold where you were dumb enough to decide to live. You're really an embarrassment, I hope you know that.
Elle: I know you're in your "teenage years" but you do not need to call me an embarrassment. Do you think I like it when you lick where your testicles used to be in front of people?
Theodore: I can't believe you have the audacity to bring that up. You castrate me and then pass judgment about how I choose to mourn the loss of my masculinity. I can't even properly hump those long haired whore dogs next door, and those bitches are begging for it if you know what I mean.
Elle: Thanks for that visual imagery. You were castrated when I adopted you, by the way. I thought you'd appreciate the boots. They could make going outside to go potty a bit more enjoyable.
Theodore: Potty? God you're an idiot. You know what would be more enjoyable. Not freezing my non-existent balls off when I have to go outside. I'm going to convince your brother to take me back to California with him when he leaves. I hear the bitches out there are major sluts.
Elle: Your uncle didn't even like you when you first got here. He only likes you now since he doesn't have to dog-sit you anymore during the day. Plus he'd just use you to pick up girls.
Theodore: You're jealous of our bond. He told me I'm the best wingman he's ever had. Back to the topic at hand, I have a much better solution the wearing boots issue.
Elle: Fine, what is it you spoiled brat?
Theodore: I'm just going to piss in the house. See if you can stop me dumbass.