Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Discussion with Theodore

I borrowed the dog translator from Law with Grace to help transcribe this recent conversation.

Boots? You fucking expect me to wear boots?

Well you were limping and acting like you hurt your paw on the salt the other day.

Theodore: So you bought a dog shoes? You've finally lost it.

It's not like they're pumps. Besides, I got you a matching sweater.

Ohh, the fact that you're trying to put me in a matching outfit makes it so much better. I tolerate the sweaters since it's fucking cold where you were dumb enough to decide to live. You're really an embarrassment, I hope you know that.

I know you're in your "teenage years" but you do not need to call me an embarrassment. Do you think I like it when you lick where your testicles used to be in front of people?

Theodore: I can't believe you have the audacity to bring that up. You castrate me and then pass judgment about how I choose to mourn the loss of my masculinity. I can't even properly hump those long haired whore dogs next door, and those bitches are begging for it if you know what I mean.

Thanks for that visual imagery. You were castrated when I adopted you, by the way. I thought you'd appreciate the boots. They could make going outside to go potty a bit more enjoyable.

Theodore: Potty? God you're an idiot. You know what would be more enjoyable. Not freezing my non-existent balls off when I have to go outside. I'm going to convince your brother to take me back to California with him when he leaves. I hear the bitches out there are major sluts.

Elle: Your uncle didn't even like you when you first got here. He only likes you now since he doesn't have to dog-sit you anymore during the day. Plus he'd just use you to pick up girls.

You're jealous of our bond. He told me I'm the best wingman he's ever had. Back to the topic at hand, I have a much better solution the wearing boots issue.

Fine, what is it you spoiled brat?

I'm just going to piss in the house. See if you can stop me dumbass.


E. McPan said...

Are those reflective strips on the boots? Also, I love the sweater. I hope I get one like that (except in my size) for Christmas.

Elle Woods said...

They are reflective. As for the matching sweater, good luck. It is super cute.

Lily Graypure said...

lmao. nice.