Tuesday, February 28, 2006

There are People More Spoiled Then I Am...

In fact, I'm related to one. My beloved little brother puts me to shame on the spoiled scale.

My mom called me the other night freaking out that his FAFSA form wasn't filed yet. I asked her why he hadn't done it (being that I did all mine) and she dodged the question. I asked where he was, she said "out with his friends." By this point in time I'm livid being that I know I'm going to have to go help my mom since according to her the deadline is March 1st (whatever, I didn't want to argue). So I drive over to their house, and on the first page I need his driver's license number. So I call him and ask for it (albeit I was being a bit short with him by this point in time) and he starts yelling at me. I ignore it and tell him to just give me the damn numbers. By the time he gets home later I'm entering all my parents financial information. He comes in (with red eyes-and not from crying or allergies) and goes straight down the hall to his room, doesn't so much as say hello to my mom and I. When he didn't come back out I went and harassed him and told him he should be handling this. He just yelled some more and said (in a joking tone) "I hate you guys." My brother, the Teenage Drama Queen.

Lesson Learned

Apparently Conflicts of Law is not about dueling. Who knew? On that note I suppose I should start studying for that midterm on Monday.

Wednesday Wants to Know

After a brief hiatus, it's back. Yes, it's the wee hours of Tuesday-but we wanted to give everyone sufficient time to answer. We know you all love this incarnation of the blog meme, so TheNambyPamby and I couldn't just stop. This week's topic is the sanity inducing life blood, coursing through the veins of bitter law students everywhere: Alcohol.

This week's trifecta:

Question 1

  • a). What's the best drink to aid you to make your mind an etch-a-sketch? Dry Gin Martini's; up, neat.
  • b). What will you sip/nurse/chug when you are in a social setting and you cannot appear to be a lush? Depends on the setting red wine or vodka/crans are a good way to go. I don't really know, since I usually look like a lush so I guess it doesn't matter. I try to generally avoid drinking at work functions since there is a really fine line between "tipsy" and "drunk" Elle and I don't want anyone I work with to see me cross it.
  • c). Some say you are being cultured, others say you are an alcoholic; when drinking alone, what is your poison of choice? Caucasians, or White Russians for those of you who don't speak "Lebowsk-ese"
Question 2
  • What has your drunk-ass done to embarass the shit out of yourself the most? Seriously there are just WAY too many to even try to narrow it down. Yeah, I know that probably means I "have a drinking problem" but screw you for judging me. I'll just link to a story The Dude just posted since it's hilarious and if anyone has more crazy drunk stories then me, it's him. Scratch that, he definitely does.
Question 3
  • In your best Thomas Crown impression, what is the best way to debonairly buy a person you are attracted to a drink? I've never bought a guy a drink outside of when I'm out with my guy friends and I feel compelled to buy a round of shots (read: I'm wasted), so I don't really have a "smooth" way to do it. As for guys buying drinks; I think when they ask if they can buy you one it's lame. Grow a set of balls and send a drink over to me.
As always, we invite you to join in the comments here, over at TheNambyPamby, or by posting it on your own blog [just be sure to give us the shout out1]. We are always accepting of topics and questions, if you have good ones please shoot us an e-mail.

1People had questions about "Trackback" before-if you link to the post itself and not just the blog Haloscan will magically put a link to your blog in the [Stalkers]/[Trackback] part of our blog depending on who you link to,

Monday, February 27, 2006

You Lock It Up!

I've already written about the evils of my evidence class and the evening students who are nearly twice my age, yet, oddly enough-have no social skills. (Then again, what do I expect-even though they have been in the real world for awhile they are still law students).

In addition to all that fun, I quite possibly have the worst seat in the history of seats in said class. Someone around me has awful B.O. (I haven't figured out who it is yet)1. Sadly enough, this isn't the worst assault to my senses that goes on during the class, as the B.O. is only noticeable periodically. No the worst assault to my senses comes from the girl behind me (as an added bonus she is also the leading caluprit for offense #1):

  1. She breathes through her mouth SO LOUDLY that it literally sounds like Darth Vader. The whole class I have trouble not shouting out "Luke, I am your father!"
  2. Literally snorts in combination with the mouth breathing. Seriously. SNORTS. You can't make this shit up people.
She's a really nice girl but I wondering how well it would go over if I suggested she learn to breathe through her nose like the rest of us and not make animal noises in class. Showering might also be cool but I'd really settle for not thinking a guy in a giant black helmet and cape was sitting behind me.

1Shut up, it's not me. But after noticing the awful smell the last 3 days I've attended class (which is about all I attended all February) I did do the sure/unsure test today.


Seriously, I do not think I could have asked for a better Sunday and Monday.

Sunday my activities consisted of:

  1. Sleeping in until 10:30.
  2. Slacking off.
  3. Pretending to read evidence.
  4. Doing enough laundry and I could not smell this week.
  5. Not one, but TWO naps.
  6. Thinking about starting to study for my midterm, but then realizing starting studying 8 days in advance would be a bit much.
  7. Watching Armageddon (mock all you want, I know it's completely unrealistic but for some reason it's one of the few movies that can actually make me cry...Sidenote: I didn't cry at Hotel Rwanda-I already knew a lot about it though and wasn't really shocked by anything-and yet I cry uncontrollably for roughly the last 90 minutes of Armageddon.)
  8. Ate Chinese Food.
  9. Watched Dancing With the Stars.
  10. Watched Grey's Anatomy.

(For those of you who know me, you know I rarely if ever watch television these days, so when I do it's the ultimate vegging out activities for me).

Today, I:

  1. Didn't have to deal with [Hours] at work at all.
  2. Wrote a kick ass motion. (UPDATE: [Hours] just e-mailed me at home to tell me my motion was great!)
  3. Realized there is a benefit to working crazy hours at the start of the month, with one day left to bill I have 1 hour left to make my quota-which shouldn't be too difficult-whereas 1/2 the associates who slacked at the start of the month are going to be there 14 hours a day today and tomorrow. Which means:


Out of the Closet

I finally showed my parents the blog this weekend. My mom thought I was hilarious (mostly as a result of me ripping on my dad and this post), and realized what "artistic license" is (not shocking since she was an english major), my dad told me I was embellishing-but funny-because apparently the dryer was what was originally what he was trying to fix earlier. Sorry I didn't get all the details right dad. By far the best part of the response was when we were all talking and my dad was like:

Shhh! We're going to end up on the blog-o-sphere!
Granted he got the word wrong but I was impressed he was even close.

And while we're on the subject of just how real are things around here, lets sit down, sign kumbaya and talk for a second. When I started this blog I had NO idea it would become as popular as it has. My writing was horrid in the beginning-hell, I still don't check for grammar-and let's face it, boring. I did the whole "Legally Blonde" thing as a satire, even though I am rather prissy I never really took it seriously or expected others to. I mean, come on, have you seen how much I swear around here-not very Elle Woods like. So without further ado, I'm going to answer some questions-which I wrote-that I think will shed light on this whole situation.

  1. Is everything posted here exact reality? No, I'd be stupid to post everything exactly as it happens given how much I post about the firm.
  2. Do I really look like Reese Witherspoon? No. I look a lot more like Drew Barrymore according to the guys who I used to work with.
  3. Am I really blonde? Yes (ok, I do have some chemical assitance to reach my desired color).
  4. Am I cute? Yes, painfully-in fact I hate being the "cute" girl. As a result of my cheeks I will never be "gorgeous" but really, cute isn't that bad when you consider the opinions1. But I do have pretty blue eyes and a great smile working in my favor.
  5. Am I still a prissy girl who enjoys manicures, pedicures, shoes, cute outfits and all that jazz? Yes.
  6. Do I have some "junk in the trunk"? Yes, I was a dancer growing up and now I sit on my ass most of the day, of course I have junk in the trunk.
  7. Are my thighs as slim as I'd like them to be? No.
  8. Can I walk in 5'' heels while drunk and not fall down? Hell yes I can.
  9. Do I live up to expectations? Probably not. But I'm a law student with a blog people, let's be serious for a second about how hott I could really be. Odds are I'm not going to look like Paris Hilton.
  10. Do I still give amazing blowjobs? Yes, Yes I do. (This one was included so the list would have 10, but I'm not denying the level of truthfulness)2.
1The boyfriend told me I had to add that I was gorgeous, but I told him he's biased.
2To all my law school friends who read this: clearly, this is a joke.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

It's Shake and Bake,

and I helped.

In case you're wondering, the 1st 8 paragraphs are mine, which does mean I suggested my own site twice, but what can I say I'm a rockstar.

PS-TheNambyPamby and I are bringing back Wednesday Wants to Know now that our lives are much less psycho, so be prepared for that Tuesday night.

I Just Pulled a Puck*...

in that, I just ate Peanut Butter out of the jar using my finger.

*From Real World Season 3, for those of you who do not remember.

Could I Be The Next Dianna L. Abdala?

I sent an e-mail to a Professor "explaining" my absence from class stating that I had the "flu" and that I should have listened to my mother and gotten a flu shot1.

I just got a e-mail back from my professor which I took as semi catty, telling me I should listen to my mother and that he was extremely happy to see I rebounded in time for my "on-call" day. Technically, it might not have been catty, but I really think that was his intent.

I had an e-mail response typed which basically consisted of "In actuality, I had mono during the timeframe in which I should have gotten a flu shot so I wasn't able to get one." Then I remembered Ms. Abdala and all the fuss her stupid e-mailing2 caused I decided it was probably better off not sent. Now I feel like some stupid movie of the week since I've "learned my lesson" and I'm going to "take the highroad."

1Anyone questioning the truthfulness of this e-mail might be onto something

2If you're one of 2 people in the legal profession who haven't seen it, send me an e-mail and I'll forward it to you.

I Joined Netflix...

and already I feel like that episode of Sex and the City where Miranda gets Tivo and becomes obsessed with it and freaks out when Magda accidentally sits on it and clears the memory and then falls in love with Steve even more because he fixes it for her after she spent a ton of time on the phone with the Tivo people trying to fix it.

I've rated 167 movies, have 377 recommendations and 279 things in my Queue (My logic was that if I went through and added basically everything I wanted to see then I could just tinker with it-since I'm too busy normally to pick out movies and whatnot-and make certain things come sooner, the flaw in this plan is that I've literally added about 3 years worth of viewing material.)1; anyway I think it's safe to say that I have in effect, joined a cult.

UPDATE: Apparently an intervention is being staged as my OCD is taking over my Netflix Queue-ing...

ElleWoods626: 330.

in your queue?


you have to stop

I can help you, babe

i'm a person with feelings and all i have to do it what i want to do, and that is fill my netflix queue

I know you have feelings

we all have feelings

I have feelings for you

and I'm not going to let some wacky movie cult turn you into a pod woman
1Most of them are television shows so it's easy for them to add up when there are 6 disks to a season and you (like the OCD freak that you are) add all the seasons.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

I know my parents are pretty laid back and all, but I just read the Kanye West Playboy interview because the issue was sitting on the coffee table. That's a bit much even for me.

UPDATE: Apparently when I got my brother Playboy for his 17th birthday I got him 2 years worth, so I guess I can't say anything since I paid for it.

Ok, here's the deal. I have a hangover. Who knows what that means?

Doesn't that mean you're drunk?...No. It means I was drunk yesterday.

P.S.: Bloggers who post about/have on their sidebar/mention that they are on law review "slyly" on their blog really annoy me. I should be able to get up with a horrid hangover and look at my links without seeing law review bullshit. Trust me, nobody cares that you're lame.

P.P.S.: For some reason for some reason I woke up at my parents house, I suggested my brother and I go to breakfast, my mom insisted on making it. While appreciated, she's making a ton of noise and if we were at a breakfast place I'd have my food by now.

Friday, February 24, 2006

I'll See You and I'll Raise You a Federal Judgship*.

NDC appears up in arms about a 1L's behavior. I can beat that, no problem. "His Honor" (my Evidence Prof for those of you who aren't reading along. Comes into my Conflicts class with 20 minutes left each class-a full 30 minutes before his class starts-and proceeds to set his stuff down in the back, hang up his jacket and then walk out-allowing the door to slam behind him. AND HE'S A FEDERAL JUDGE! (Albeit a George H.W. Bush appointee, who none of the "cool" lawyers in my office can stand).

To sweeten the pot, once the Conflicts Prof ends class, usually 15 minutes early-or 25 minutes before Evidence begins-"His Honor" rushes in and stands behind the lecturn where the Conflict Prof still is standing and is taking student questions and proceeds to chime in regarding the questions.

This is why people hate Lawyers, a man who is coveted by about 95% of Lawyers-seriously does it get any easier then being a Federal Judge, AND as a bonus, you can't be fired-is also a total douche and lacks social skills.

*I really doubt that is even a real word, but it is to me.

Family Matters

The current debate in my parents household is whether it's necessary to call a repair man to fix the broken washer. My dad, who is one of the cheapest men in the world, is instant that he can fix it himself. One catch, he's been trying for 2 weeks and all he's managed to accomplish is taking the washer apart and leaving it in pieces on the laundry room floor. Plus there was so sort of "accident" with water-I didn't even ask-and now the dryer is malfunctioning as well.

My mother of course wanted to call a repair man before my father worked his magic but he was insistent that he could fix it, and not one to argue my mom let him try. While my dad is extremely handy appliances are not his strong suit. I remember when we had one of those upright freezers (which was FULL of stuff) but the seal on the door wasn't working properly-no big deal my dad decided to install a latch on the side. He had placed 2 latches on and was going for the 3rd "Just to make sure it seals" (read: since he bought 3 hinges and wanted to use them all) when all of a sudden we all hear a hissing sound followed by a stream of profanity that would make George Carlin blush. Apparently he'd drilled through the Freon line, which meant we needed to find someplace to store all this frozen stuff, in the middle of summer, mind you...But, I digress.

Whenever questioned regarding "Are you sure you can fix this? Shouldn't we maybe just call a repairman?" My dad offers the same response:

I took my tricycle apart when I was 2, I think I can handle this.

Here are the problems with his argument:
  1. Nowhere in the argument does he mention putting it back together.
  2. A tricycle is a bit less complex then a washer/dryer/vacuum, whatever.
  3. Everyone who he's trying to reassure with this story knows about the Christmas Eve that he and my next door neighbor got drunk and tried to put together my brother and the kid next door's new bicycles and when my dad got done with my brother's there was one piece left over-at which point he had to start over.

The point is my dad is one of those "do it yourself guys"-even if it ends up costing everyone else more hassle/inconvenience/money in the long run he has to take a shot at the project himself.

I, however, am the complete opposite, if you can pay someone to do it-then why not? is my general school of thought. It helps support the local economy and moreover-it keeps my hands clean. To this end my dad gets pissed when I go to the "Full Service Car Wash" or when I pay to get my oil changed. Yesterday when he flipped out about both of these I calmly pointed out that:

  1. It's freezing outside and I didn't want to clean the inside of my car, nor did I have the facilities (outdoor water) to clean the outside.
  2. My car is a Honda, and he's only worked on domestic cars so I'd much rather not void my warranty by having him attempt to change my oil (which he would undoubtedly screw up-no I didn't say this) and then have no documentation of even having had maintenance done at all.
  3. I'd be happy to pay him the $20 I paid the car wash to clean my car if he'd be so kind as to clean the inside-ohh and the car wash gives you another free wash in 5 days so I'd be back to collect that too.
  4. Maybe he should be focusing on the washer which is in pieces on the laundry room floor and in the alternative looking for a good repair man because I was sick of listening to my mom bitch about it.

Needless to say, he hung up on me.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

That's interesting John, that glass looks half full to me...Wow, now that you mention it, it *is* half full.

I woke up this morning and my entire upper left arm was itchy, red, hot and swollen; GROSS!, I know. I've always had really sensitive skin, and while nothing like this has ever happened to me before, I didn't think much of it in general. I put on a cashmere sweater in the hope that it wouldn't irritate it too much and actually made it into work 15 minutes early for once (I run a standard 10 minutes late everywhere-which I blame on the college time system in which nothing starts on the hour but rather 10 past).

While I was at work it started getting worse, however, I was in the midst of writing an Summary Disposition motion, so there was no way I was leaving. I went to the first aid cabinet, grabbed an ice pack, shoved it in my sleeve and went back to work figuring nobody would notice. Of course [Hours] came over to my desk to ask me something and was immediately distracted by the size of my arm. I explained that I had an ice pack on it and that it was fine, yet he demanded to see it. After taking one look at it he ordered me into his office where he began his interrogation.

Do you have a Doctor? Call them! They can't see you today? Call them back and ask what emergency room should go to! Are you sure you don't want me to call a Doctor?
I told him it would be fine and that I was sure it was nothing to worry about and that I would just wait and see if it cleared up on it's own. He started yelling at me and told me I was going to the doctor TODAY. I finally consented, however on my way to the Doctor I stopped for lunch at Einstein Brothers and at the Full Service Car Wash (they vacuum your car and clean the interior in addition to washing the outside); so needless to say, I wasn't in too big of a hurry.

When I called him back and reported what the Doctor had told me-that it wasn't a bug bite or hives but it looked like an allergic reaction to something, but it was difficult to say what, since I hadn't changed any of my products lately-he decided that wasn't good enough. He called a Doctor friend of his and made me an appointment for tomorrow since he decided I need a second opinion.

I'm a bit put off since I don't really even like it when my parents step in like that, however, I do have to say it is very nice that he's so concerned about my wellbeing. He probably just figures he needs to get it fixed now before it gets any worse and I have to miss a bunch of work after they amputate my arm or some shit, it's all about having the lowest possible loss of productivity.

Lightening Strikes Twice

"By Line" Guy was at it again in evidence. He might be the most annoying law student I've ever encountered. His lips have been surgically placed on "His Honor's" ass (which to be fair most of the people in that class are like that-but this guy takes it to a new level).

So as we're talking about the special evidence rules pertaining to allowing in the sexual history of the accused (Rules 413, 414, and 415 if you're keeping track) in comparison with Rule 412 which shields the victims sexual past he actually asked:

Why this area of law? Is it because it's SEX?
Hmm, I don't know maybe because it's a he said/she said area and people are acquitted at extremely high rates. Or maybe it was the political popularity, but I digress.

As if that wasn't annoying enough he followed up with:
Why don't women resist if they want to have proof of their rape?
Hmm, First off, THEY DO! And maybe the ones who do not resist "enough" by "your standards", Sir, do so because women who resist are beaten and raped more severely.

As you may have guessed, by the looks of this guy (who is between 35 and 40), I'm not entirely sure he's ever had sex. I must say, night students (read: old people) are a completely different breed of law student.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Super Exciting Post About My Fish!

Being that I was on call in Conflicts today, I was about to crack open the books nice and early this morning, but then I realized I could procrastinate by cleaning Bruiser the Betta's fish bowl (not that it was dirty at all). Tragically, it was cracked and I had to run to the pet store and find something new. I'd been pondering getting something a bit bigger, and getting Bruiser some friends. Long boring story "short" I got convinced to by a 5 gallon Hexagon Tank...

Being that the new tank was HUGE I decided Bruiser needed some friends, so I got:

2 Tetra's, one who whom Bruiser chases around the tank so I've decided to name him Leslie (after the Senator's dog who Bruiser has homosexual relations with in Red, White and Blonde); the other named La Toya.

2 White Cloud's named Tito and Jermaine. (These names are courtesy of Mike from Barely Legal).

And last but not least the cutest bottom feeders they had, 2 Albino Catfish. One named Michael and the other named Geoffrey Feiger.

Conversation With My Parents

Elle Woods: What'd Dad get you for Valentine's Day?

Mom: Diamond Earrings.

Dad: The guys at work say jewerly=blowjobs.

Elle Woods: Thanks, I need to go kill myself now.

Mom: Yeah I told him he was crazy if he thought that was happening...What'd you get for Valentine's Day?

Elle Woods: Sweetheart Roses delivered to work and a pearl necklace 1


Dad: I need to go kill myself now.

1Get your mind out of the gutter it was the jewerly kind.

"All right, I'm going to make you a bicycle. But I don't want to make you a bicycle."

In case you hadn't noticed comments are back, we'll see how long it lasts...Take that, you hyena, don't say thank you.

Random AIM Conversation

barelylegalblog: so i am having issues here

barelylegalblog: intestinal issues

ElleWoods626: what

barelylegalblog: what? you are interested in my gastrointestinal health?

ElleWoods626: i was going to attempt to recommend something

barelylegalblog: well, i have had this cramp on my left side

ElleWoods626: do you have a heating pad or maybe a hot water bottle?

barelylegalblog: yeah

ElleWoods626: lay down with that

barelylegalblog: good idea

ElleWoods626: left side is where the appendix is though

ElleWoods626: i think, but what do i know?

ElleWoods626: so be careful

ElleWoods626: is it near your hip bone?

barelylegalblog: its on the right

barelylegalblog: appendix is

ElleWoods626: ohh...well nevermind then

barelylegalblog: that was the first thing i checked

barelylegalblog: it's higher up, like to the left of my belly button, almost on the side

ElleWoods626: i get that when i'm PMSing

barelylegalblog: it's gas pain

barelylegalblog: no doubt

ElleWoods626: GROSS

barelylegalblog: yeah

barelylegalblog: come over and squeeze me?

ElleWoods626: ewww

barelylegalblog: hahaha

ElleWoods626: you have a girlfriend for that sort of thing

barelylegalblog: my stepbrothers were the definition of fat kids

barelylegalblog: they are twins

barelylegalblog: and they're mom used to feed them so much bad stuff, so their stomachs were all messed up

barelylegalblog: and when they were young, if you poked their stomachs or squeezed them at all, they'd fart

ElleWoods626: ewww

ElleWoods626: sick

barelylegalblog: yeah it was

barelylegalblog: talk about some gassy kids

Bruiser's Bill

My handsome Betta Fish, Bruiser, has been blowing bubbles of late. Being that I was too lazy to take a picture here is a website generated approximation:

my pet!

Anyway, according to this website it means that he is ready to mate. At first I considered going out, look for a female Betta Fish, get the necessary Brine Shrimp Eggs for the babies to eat once hey hatched, etc., etc, etc....Then I realized how much work it would be and got to thinking, which did not turn out for the best for my Betta.

First I thought of all the single women in their thirties who have been ready to nest for years and the men who refuse to settle down. Then, I came to the conclusion that women can't just indulge every male wish to mate, if we did we'd never get off our backs.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

The Gene Pool Need Chlorination

My Little Brother's 1 current away message: Brim leanin, cup tilted, blunt flickin, Get money, fuck bitches.

Apparently, those are Little Wayne lyrics, which is cool and all, but let's face it. My brother is a middle class white kid who goes to the best prep school in the state on a scholarship he got as a result of "academics" (read: being a Nationally Ranked spring board diver and excellent football player)2.

Lets take a moment and examine these lovely lyrics as they pertain to him:

  1. I haven't seen him wear a hat with a brim in years.
  2. He definitely does know about cup tilting being that he's a lush.
  3. Blunt flicking, yeah this one fits too.
  4. Getting money I'm not so sure about, he's never had a job and he just gets money from my parents, but I guess not having to work is kinda gangsta.
  5. Fucking Bitches-I did find "ribbed for her pleasure" condoms in his car earlier this year.
So maybe these lovely lyrics from Little Wayne do fit his baller lifestyle.

1He's 18.
2Yes, I get that they do not go together at all but he's seriously a freak of nature.

The Dude Abides

The Dude: fat out man fat fuckin out

The Dude eh i mean far

Elle Woods: you are wasted

The Dude: yeah i might be

The Dude: i've been drinking since 4 or so

The Dude: did you go to class tonight

Elle Woods: nope

The Dude: yeah me neither

The Dude: i had a 5pm appointmentent at [the local watering hole]

The Dude: holy fuck am i riped

Elle Woods: i haven't seen you in ages

The Dude: yeah i know you miss me

Elle Woods: not really

Elle Woods: not too much to miss

The Dude: oh yes you do

The Dude: who couldn't miss my drunk ass

The Dude: who elese could talk to people on the internet

Elle Woods: besides an annoying drunken asshole who think he's jim morrison's love child and
who chain smokes

The Dude: and offend so many popele

The Dude: i loike smokes

The Dude: ok i got a bunch of taco bell

Elle Woods: dude

The Dude: on the way back from [Name of the local watering hole-which he misspelled)

The Dude: huh

Elle Woods: have you had the crunch wrap


Elle Woods: haha


The Dude: those are awesome

Elle Woods: i know

Elle Woods: ok

Elle Woods: enjoy drunkard

The Dude: shutup

Elle Woods: like you are not proud of your drunkass-ness

The Dude: the crunchrap has the classic taste of TB

The Dude: beef and sour cream

The Dude: and a tortilla and tacos


The Dude: i could eat a million of them

The Dude: taomotaos

The Dude: and like uh, cheese

Elle Woods: you're so uncle rico

The Dude: don't ya ever wish you could...go back?

Elle Woods: i'd take state

The Dude: with all the knowledge you have know

The Dude: no doubt

The Dude: no doubt

The Dude: i'm drunker than all hell

The Dude: ok i gotta eat my other crunchrap and stop talking here

The Dude: i'll see ya tomorrow amn

Elle Woods: no you will notr

The Dude: ok fine skp school

The Dude: i odnot know what notr emans

Elle Woods: we do not have school tomorrow

The Dude: eh

Elle Woods: it's a holiday (This conversation took place on 2/21/06. -Ed.)

The Dude: is school cancelled tomorrow?

The Dude: tomorrow is columus day

The Dude: great american hero

The Dude: the man who found our cuntry

The Dude: if it wasn't for him we' still be in europe for shits sake

The Dude: i ove sour cream

The Dude: love

The Dude: love i love sour crean

...I don't know about you, but I take comfort in that.


Of all the questions I get from readers the most common far has to be:

Is the [ASSociate] really that bad/inept/clueless/[insert your favorite word for moronic]?
Here is something that might help to illustrate the situation better.

We go to trial with a case later this week (hence the crazy hours I've been working-mainly fixing all of the [ASSociate's] mistakes-but I digress), my boss called me into his office today and told me to close the door. Usually given his tendencies this means you're going to get screamed at, however, I've never suffered a "closed door" thrashing so I prepared for the worst. I stood up straight, took a deep breath, grabbed a legal pad, walked in and sheepishly closed the door behind me. I sat down on his huge leather couch (instead of the chair I usually opt for) in the hope that I would somehow be swallowed by the enormous couch and not have to deal with what was to come. He stared at his computer and didn't acknowledge my presence for what seemed like hours. Then he spun his chair around and started speaking:

Hours: How many suits do you own?
Elle Woods: (Confused) A few but I was about to go buy a couple more.
Hours: Good, I haven't told [ASSociate] yet but I want you to chair me at the trial. That's why I've been taking you to all those depositions and meetings. So if you want to, you can.
Elle Woods: (Stunned) Wow, thanks I'd love to. Are you sure you don't want him to, he's an attorney and all, I'm just a law student.
Hours: I think we both know who is more helpful around here. Plus you know this case much better then he does.
Elle Woods: I know all our cases better then he does.
Hours: I know. Ohh, and you have to tell him. We need to toughen you up a bit.
Elle Woods: Ok, but that's kinda harsh coming from a law student don't you think?
Hours: Just schedule some bullshit meetings for him and tell him he has to cover them so you'll be chairing me at trial.
Elle Woods: Done and Done. Anything else?
Hours: Yeah, are you busy this afternoon?
Elle Woods: Well I'm always busy but I'm working late anyway so it doesn't really matter I guess, why?
Hours: I need you to help me prep [witness] for trial.
Elle Woods: Not a problem. (Practically prances gleefully out of his office).

So the moral of the story is that not only does he fuck up everything he touches he's so bad he's not even going to get to go see the trial for the first case my boss has taken to trial in 2 years.

Monday, February 20, 2006

You'll have to excuse my lack of posting. I'm supposed to be working 25-30 hours a week and going to school full time. Last week, without working over the weekend at all I billed over 35 hours. Worse, I made it to most of my classes and was prepared. I do not know what I would do without caffeine.

Friday, February 17, 2006

"Two Can be as Bad as One, it's the Loneliest Number Since the Number One."

In college I had a total of 9 roommates/housemates. Of those 9, 5 are currently engaged or married. Of the 4 who are not engaged/married:

  • 2 are "men" who have no social skills (One of whom was 24 when I lived with him, a virgin and addicted to german porn; the other who was 19 when I lived with him and also a virgin)
  • 1 is a "bachelor" who doesn't want to be tied down and loves the "grey area" in a relationship
  • and 1 is a gay man (who is super cute if you're interested), however, being the state that our nation is in I feel that an engagement/marriage would be difficult for him at this point.
So that leaves me. At first I was a bit disappointed. I thought about how I'm younger then all of the ones who are engaged by a significant time frame (except one) and I was cool with it. At least I have my youth. Plus it's not like the world really needs a "little Elle" running around anytime soon.

Then, I saw this1 and I realized I was perfectly ok with being in the relationship I'm in and not being any more serious.

1Yes, I am a bitch for posting that link. But honestly, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little

Thursday, February 16, 2006

People I want to Punch in the Face

  1. The old guy who always brings up that he was on a jury once to "His Honor" my evidence professor.
  2. The people who point out to the professor that they haven't passed the attendance sheet around yet that day.
  3. The people who point out that "His Honor" hasn't given us our assignment for the next week yet. (His Honor doesn't believe in dating his syllabus just giving it to us in categories).
  4. People who see you rushing for the elevator at 9:02 and don't hold the door when it's common knowledge that only 1 of the 6 elevators goes to the upper floors functions and it's clear you're running late just like them.
  5. Mother nature for the 3 inches of snow last night and the 9 degree weather she's bringing this weekend.
  6. My Professional Responsibility Professor who handled around the seating chart the first day when I was late so I'm forced to sit in the front row and listen as he literally SCREAMS!
  7. People who don't hold doors.
  8. People who get pissed and glare at you when you turn on your computer in the library when it makes a noise but then think it's ok to talk on their cellphone.
  9. Gunners.
  10. Myself for kissing "His Honor's" ass last night since I'd missed 5 classes in a row and been called on twice when I wasn't there. I volunteered to do a problem, raised my hand and answered his pop-culture question about where "The House of the Rising Sun" was located and before he could even ask the "Bonus Question" (who sang the song) blurted out an answer. Sick.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

While Discussing Self Authenticating Documents and Proof of Authorship

Gunner in Evidence Class: What's a "by line"?

Sometimes, I just have to sit back, smile, and be happy there's a curve.

The More Things Change the More They Stay the Same

Elle Woods: I haven't been out to a bar in so long, I'm so tired on the weekends.

Friend: We need to go out, I know you'll make some time for me.

Elle Woods: Of course! I do have to warn you that ever since the mono and now that I rarely drink I'm like black out drunk after about 2 drinks.

Friend: Damn, you're a cheap date.

Elle Woods: Please, I've always been a cheap date.

Also noteworthy, this friend just told me I've convinced him to not go to law school. It feels great knowing I made a positive impact on someones life.

My evidence Professor is a Federal District Court judge.

In reality, I learned everything I know about evidence from Jack McCoy.

I love that even though I'm an "adult" and get to make my own decisions regarding what is best for my life, my law school has decided that I do not get the option of internet in classes because we might not "pay attention" and it might "hurt our grades."

Newsflash: With my computer there I can still kill time by playing any number of computer games, internet would allow me to do things that are actually productive such as; look up the brief for the case I didn't read on Westlaw, have classmates IM me the answers when I don't know them, check my e-mail, pay my bills online, blog, or watch Penquin Cam. Instead, as a response to the paternalism I just play free cell during class everyday. Suck it law school.

Cheney's Got a Gun

When I heard about Cheney's alleged1 attempted murder of a lawyer this weekend I immediately decided I HAD to post something like this2, however being the slacker insanely busy individual that I am, I didn't get around to it and now I can't since it'd be copying thenambypamby. Damn You!

1Ok, maybe I'm the only one alleging that.
2The link is fixed now, sorry for the assclowness of earlier.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Office Exchange

[Partner]: [Juan] what's gotten into you lately? You've been billing 10 hours a day, you never do that until the end of the month.

[Juan]: [Elle] has, she's been convincing me to stay late with her and walk her to her car.

[Partner]: Just make sure you don't get into her, she's a law student and you're up for partner.

[Elle Woods]: (from [Juan's] office) I heard that!

Monday, February 13, 2006

Little Tip for the Boys

The local pharmacy parking lot at 8:50 p.m. might not be the best place to pick up women. Especially when I've been gone from the house for 13 hours and I'm rushing to my car so I can get home and heat up my Progresso Minestrone Soup and do about another 2 hours of work before I give up out of sheer exhaustion. On that note, I have some work and a bottle of wine to finish.

Early V-Day Present...Of Sorts

I got home yesterday to discover strong scent coming from my room. Most of the time strong scents right before Valentine's Day would mean perfume to me. However, I was not that lucky. The scent I noticed was more along the lines of what one might associate this picture with:

The next logical question (yes apparently we use logic around here now). To answer this question I created this lovely diagram of my yard and house (yes it is to scale).

So once a or twice a year (usually spring and fall) Pepe decides to remind me that we're sharing fairly close living quarters. It happened when I had mono late last fall-added bonus when all you want to do is lay in bed AND you were running a fever so your window was open...Needless to say it smelled WAY worse last time.

The biggest problem is that both of my closets were wide open and so now 75% of my clothes have the lovely smell of skunk to them. Meaning I can either:

A). Wash them all at some point this week (since I have SOOOO much free time) or
B). I can attempt to remember what has been washed and just be sure to wash it before I wear it.

Clearly (B) is not really an option given my forgetfulness so I suppose I'll be doing tone of laundry once my room airs out a bit. Superb.

Sunday, February 12, 2006


Northwest Airlines has realized the level of comfort I am accustomed to and offered me a $45 dollar upgrade to first class on my flight home today. (The flight there I was dreading since I had the middle seat but it turned out that the row behind me only had one person in it so I got the benefit of extra space then too). For me the worst part about airplanes by far is sitting right next to someone I don't know. That and the motion sickness. Ohh, and the fear of dying. Needless to say, It was awesome on many levels, but I think it goes without saying that the free drinks were the best part.

Thursday, February 9, 2006


Why is it that when I've already pushed the "Up" button on the elevator, and the button is lit up a lovely shade of green WITHOUT fail at least one person will come up and push it again. As if myself and the other people around were not properly schooled in the art that is pushing the button for the elevator and even though it is lit up we probably didn't do it right.

The even more annoying breed of this person is the moron who pushes the button really fast over and over and then when the elevator comes looks around all smug and acts as if they made it come faster, no, actually you probably just made it so that button will break sooner-but good try.

Wednesday, February 8, 2006

Big Surprise

You Are Miss Piggy

A total princess and diva, you're totally in charge - even if people don't know it.
You want to be loved, adored, and worshiped. And you won't settle for anything less.
You're going to be a total star, and you won't let any of the "little people" get in your way.
Just remember, piggy, never eat more than you can lift!


That's when I have to finish this stupid law review article for Conflicts of Law by. I'm on call today, I've managed to read the cases but I still have this 22 page boring ass law review article to go. If there is anything worse then reading a case it's reading a law review article. Actually, reading the notes after a case might be worse but I wouldn't know because I never have.

To make matters worse I'm trying to read for Conflicts, now when I took this class I really thought it would be about dueling or something fun like that (seriously I do not know what I was thinking...I know it's whack). No, it's basically Civil Procedure all over. Superb. Ohh, and the added bonus, normally I would not care-but our performance during our on-call days accounts for 25% of our grade (I didn't even know that was done in law school).

I haven't read for any classes so far this semester, so you'd think I'd be able to handle this...But really it's just made it harder. It's akin to making a New Year's Resolution to "get fit" and starting by attempting to run a marathon.


One of the perks of the "Next Blog" feature is the random ass things that appear on my sitemeter now and then. These days I don't catch them much since I don't really get to check my sitemeter often, but as I was sitting here at Panera avoiding reading conflicts even though I'm on call today, I clicked on this [NSFW]...The mother here with her 5 year old who walked by did not looked pleased when she saw that on my screen. At least I closed it quickly, some bloggers (I'm looking at you L & A) would have left it up.

I Just Got an E-Mail from My Mom

The thing is, it was a reply. Apparently I sent her an e-mail last night...I didn't remember it. I literally had to go into my sent items to check what I wrote. Luckily it wasn't too far off my typical e-mails to her:

I had some undies sent to your house…try not to steal them you hussy.

"The Rules of Hair Care are Simple and Finite."

I just spent 2 hours at the salon getting highlights1 and a trim. It didn't used to seem so self indulgent to spend that kinda of time on something like that. I wonder if it's a side effect of firm life and constant billing or if I'm actually becoming rational about my indulgences...No that it can't be it, it must be a side effect of billable hours.

1For the readers who have been following my hair color and the fact that it was redish for awhile you can sleep well tonight knowing I'm blonde again.

Sunday, February 5, 2006

"Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes, Turn and Face the Strain."

Just when you thought all hope was lost and were about to send the search party for me some reader was kind moronic enough to give me new material.

XYX writes:

Hey - got any suggestions for law-related pick-up lines?
Ok this question is so wrong on so many levels I barely know where to begin.
  1. Do I seem like the type of girl who would respond to a law related pick up line? No, I didn't think so.
  2. Do I seem like the type of girl who would hang out with people who would respond to law related pick up lines? See Answer to #1.
  3. Seriously, have you even ever seen a girl naked whose G-String you didn't have to put dollars into? Again, see Answer to #1

Ok, I could go on, but in the spirit of the Superbowl I'm going to be nice and give you a little tip. You're going to get a hell-of-a-lot further with a chick by going up to her and introducing yourself. If you get a name in return, she's either polite or semi interested. Offer to buy her a drink (yes this is going to involve you leaving your mom's basement) and try to make conversation. I guarantee this approach gets you more "response" then some lame as pick up line about permissive v. compulsory joinder.

I think that's it. In the immortal words of Law and Alcoholism...Fuck it, I'm out.

1 My web browser just crashed and for once "Recover Post" worked...HECK YES!

Canadian Law Student Gone Wild while not the requestor for the pick-up lines has a mocking law school motive which clearly makes his request allowable. Just because I'm feeling bad about the state of things around here lately I did a bit of googling for you and came up with these from Jeremy Blachman, for the 4 of you out there who don't know, he's the writer of Anonymous Lawyer.

Ten Really Really Bad Pick-Up Lines For Lawyers

1. "I know a great way I could serve justice today... should I stop by your office?"
2. "Ow. You stepped on my foot. But I've got an idea for how you can mitigate your damages."
3. "I hear you give great oral... arguments."
4. "Is that a new cologne you're wearing? I like your dis-scent."
5. "I know a whole new de-position we could try"
6. "I find you very appeal-ing"
7. "Before I went into law, I worked in restitution... uh, I mean prostitu-- you get the drift."
8. "I've got a one-pronged test we could try together."
9. "Meeting of the minds? Actually, I had some other parts in mind."
10. "I've heard what they say about guys with big foot... notes."

Two bonuses if it's Bankruptcy Law:

11. "You invite me over, and it'll be an automatic stay-the-night."
12. "Don't worry about that, it's just a strange discharge."

Saturday, February 4, 2006


Apparently, I'm the worst blogger ever made. I know things haven't been great lately but I didn't know they'd gotten that bad...So I'm going to take a few days and decide what I want need to do around here to get things back on track.

If Until (we all know I couldn't just quit blogging cold turkey) I'm back (don't go deleting my off your favorites and blogrolls just yet) I'll leave you with this to ponder: The [ASSociate] keeps stealing my pink highlighters, I wouldn't think it was so odd if the yellow ones weren't right next to them. It just seems a little odd since he's a total "Playboy" that he keeps "secretly" stealing (I keep finding them in his office) the pink ones.

It's a Small World After All

Much like The Hot Librarian I never knew the "White and Blue Sand Things" had a name, and that name is "Magic Window".1 I'm so glad she was able to clear that up for me.

Anywho, I never knew anyone else even knew what a "Magic Window"2 was, let alone that they came with a stand. The point here is, not only did I too play with the "Magic Window"** when I was a youngin', when I moved into my grandparents house I had 2 options:

  1. Fight the 70's decorating and replace all the wicker furniture (the wicker furniture is just in my room, not throughout the whole house) the puke green shag carpeting (that is through the most of the house) and the yellow walls; OR
  2. I could go with it, embrace it, and turn my room into a "Trendy" (I hate that word I have no idea why) take on 70's design. There are ocean pictures, orange curtains, brightly colored bedding, weird lamps, and assorted old "nick-nacks".

Plus I figured if all else failed I could film throw-back porno's here.

So when I moved in I found the old "Magic Window's" and figured I could use them in my decor as an effort to embrace the '70's I knew I had to work them in somehow. Apparently I decided "somehow" meant in front of the weird sculpture that my uncle made on the dresser in front of the Indian (dots not feathers) wall hanging my grandparents got when they went to India...OBVIOUSLY. It doesn't look as cracked out as it does in this picture.

So without further ado, I present to you Exhibit A:

1 I had to check so make sure it wasn't spelled "Majic Window"-doesn't it seem like that's how the new fangled toys of today would be spelled...But no, it's just "Magic Window" nice and simple. I totally agree with with THL, I long for days when a plastic disk filled with "sand" was something kids fought over...ohh man, those were the days.
2 Ok, well don't you think that the Magic Window people, in some crazy scheme in order to make a profit, MADE MORE THAN ONE MAGIC WINDOW?

Friday, February 3, 2006

"Call Me! Call Me Any Anytime! Call Me!"

After 2 trips to Verizon Stores, 3 phone calls yesterday, an insurance claim on my old phone so my dad could use that one because of network features and the inability to reactivate his due to federal regulations, countless phone calls amounting to almost 2 hours on the phone with Verizon tonight. The pink razr is functioning. Horray!

UPDATE: Apparently my state is going to requore drivers to use handsfree soon and the only headset I could get for my phone was this. I am officially "that gal."

Thursday, February 2, 2006

Takin' Care of Business

Because I've gotten a lot of new readers in the last couple weeks I decided to update the Best of Legally Blonde post. Additionally since I'm so dedicated to fulfilling reader requests (outside of blowjobs-stop asking, it's not the way to get one) I made a key to all the Nicknames I use. I got most of them, and I hope it's semi-helpful.

Both are linked in the right column for easy access.

Yes, They're Still in Style.

Today I wore a pair of shoes for the first time. I bought them over 3 years ago.

"I wanted to be the first to find a Golden Ticket, Daddy."

Scene: Verizon Wireless has just told me that my phone HAS to be activated under my dad's number and that because his phone isn't GPS enabled under federal law they can't reactivate his phone because 911 would not be able to track him were he unable to give his location.

Elle Woods: Apparently we need to go into Verizon together, my phone is broken so I guess I'll make an insurance claim on it and you can get a new phone too.

Dad: I'm working 14 hour days, I don't have time to go in.

Elle Woods: [Starts Crying-because apparently I'm a big crier now] As if you're the only one working 14 hour days. I leave the house at 6:45 in the morning and I'm lucky to be home by 9:15 at night. THEN I get to come home and start my homework, you get to go home and eat a nice homecooked meal and watch TV. Don't pull the 14 hours a day crap on me.

Dad: I'll see what I can do. When did you become so spoiled though?

Elle Woods: I paid for the phone and I'm going to pay for yours, how is that spoiled.

Dad: You expect me to drop everything.

Elle Woods: I do not, I just want it done on my time schedule since I'm free today. You're never free so what does it matter?

Dad: That still doesn't answer why you're so spoiled.

Elle Woods: Well your version of watching me was putting on Rainbow Brite while you napped and Mom never really said "No" to me, so I'd say that's how I got so spoiled.

Wednesday, February 1, 2006

Wednesday Wants to Know

It's Back!!! Week Two's Topic: Classroom etiquette, or lack thereof.

1) What is your favorite classroom distraction? Freecell (I've played over 2000 games since September...Keep in mind I missed a month of class and slept through about 2 weeks due to mono) and Text Twist (I have the downloaded version since my ghetto school does not have internet in the classrooms).

2) What is your classroom attendance/behavior policy? [This is a handy reference guide] NEVER, I REPEAT NEVER, take absences home in your pocket. I usually try to limit myself (if a class allows 4 I try to just use one a month) but that never works and so I usually just e-mail Professors when I know I'm going to miss with some lame excuse (no comments about my professional ethics people)...This way I can usually miss a fair amount of class and not have my grades harmed. Last semester was the best, I'd exhausted all my absences in all my classes and then I got mono and missed a month of school. (Ohh and I got my best grades in law school thus far). I didn't even hand in a doctor's note, I just told my Professors. I'm pretty sure profs who have attendance policies are just trying to appear to be hardasses or are trying to conform to ABA standards or some shit, but secretly, none of them really care about it.

3) What do you do if you have gotten called out by the professor and you are...
a) not prepared on the material for the day:
Pretend you're not there, bullshit an answer, or just pass (this option applies even if the Professor does not allow passing), stall, wait for a gunner to raise their hand.

b) not paying a bit of attention to the gaseous windbag in the front of the room:
Ask them to repeat the question, stall with some bullshit, make up an answer, wait for a gunner to raise their hand.

c) touching yourself?
Pretend you're not there or wait for a gunner to come help you.

As always, please Holla Back with your answers either in the comments or our your own blog (be kind and throw a link back so the trackback feature in our Haloscan gets some usage).