"Come gather 'round people wherever you roam"

I mentioned that I don't know how I'm going to make it through Thanksgiving without alcohol to make my family tolerable. Granted, last year was the first year I drank (openly) at a family function (since I was finally old enough) but in the last year things in my family have gotten insane and I am not sure how I will tolerate them without booze. Hell, even my 17 year old brother gets to drink at Holidays now since everything is so f*cked up.

So now children, gather round and I'll tell you a story about Alcohol, Sex, and Drugs; and why in excess they do not make for pleasant family functions. This story tells way more about my family then I really have ever even thought of delving into on my blog, but enough time as gone by that I can laugh at all this now. I should warn that this story has a slow lead in, but it's worth it in the end. I would also like to say that I, unlike my family, am not insane. Ok, I kinda am, but I care to think of it as "quirky."

Last year around this time my Uncle "S" was living at my grandparents (his parents) house, where I also reside, because he was in the midst of a divorce and his now ex-wife had kicked him out of the house. The divorce was taking place largely due to my uncles substance abuse problem, the degree of which became evident (some what) when he started coming home with a 12 pack daily and was routinely caught my yours truly chugging off the vodka bottle.

Every year Thanksgiving is held at my mom's parents house (where I live) and traditionally my grandparents invite my dad's sister (Aunt "P") who is unmarried and my dad's parents, since neither family is terribly large and it seemed like the nice thing to do. Plus, it spares my immediate family from eating two Thanksgiving dinners (the one cooked by my dad's mom was always terrible so I particularly like not having to choke down sick food). Seriously, she soaks the turkey in salt water for some reason, it's gross. Last year everything went smoothly, I got drunk so my dad's annoying family was tolerable and nothing too eventful happened.

Christmas Eve is always held at my mom's parents and was also uneventful. The only people there were my grandparents, my parents, my brother, Uncle "S", and his 2 sons.

Christmas Day my mom now hosts at my parents house (largely so we don't have to eat anything my dad's mother cooks and so we don't get stuck at their house where she SCREAMS at my grandpa). It used to be an occasion just for my dad's side but my mom started inviting her parents for dinner (once presents had been opened) a few years back since they didn't have anything else to do, and so last year-being that her younger brother, Uncle "S" was alone on Christmas she invited him to dinner also. Here, my dear readers is where the story gets interesting.

As is pretty customary at our holiday functions alcohol was flowing freely. So on Christmas Day Everyone was fairly buzzed with the exception of yours truly, I was staying sober since I had planned to go see the Gay Husband in Ann Arbor and take him dinner since he was unable to get off work and therefore could not go back home to see his family. My dad's younger sister (who is best described as "Coyote Ugly") was so drunk she spilled 2 glasses of red wine-1 on my mom's new tablecloth and one on my mom's coffee table. My mom's younger brother-being an alcoholic was also smashed.

After dinner I quickly made my escape since flirting had began between my Aunt and Uncle and I wanted to be nowhere near anything that may or may not go down. Shortly after arriving in Ann Arbor I got a call from my mom. This conversation transpired:

Mom: I have to be quick since your father is outside, but [S] and [P] just left together.

Elle Woods: SHUT UP!

Mom: I kid you not.

Elle Woods: Hold on, I need some wine...What happened?

Mom: Ohh she spilled another glass of wine after you left and then they sat next to each other and she kept batting her eyes at him. Then she was rubbing his thigh.

Elle Woods: OHH. MY. GOD. That is why I left. That is so f*cked up.

Mom: Yeah, Well, I think you officially have a white trash Christmas when the 17 year old comes out of his and announces 'I Thing [Uncle S] just left to have sex with [Aunt P].'

Elle Woods: HE SAID THAT!

Mom: Apparently your uncle told your brother that he thinks his aunt wants him to follow her home and that 'he wouldn't mind batting those things (her huge tits) around for a bit'.

Little Brother in the background: He even made a batting motion with his hands.

Elle Woods: Ok I have to go throw up. I'll talk to you about this tomorrow.

My mom and I (among other family members) were completely livid with both of them since clearly, Christmas dinner should not be a place that you "hook up."

In case anyone is confused I made a handy diagram.

Seriously. F*cked. Up. I. Know.

Fast Forward to January when my Uncle's friend disclose to my grandparents (after my uncle has attempted suicide) that in addition to the drinking problem (which everyone was willing to admit was a problem after the holidays) my uncle had been doing coke since the late 1970's/early 1980's and since the divorce had been finalized he had begun smoking crack. My uncle denies the crack allegations and claims the coke allegations are wildly exaggerated. My uncle agrees to go into rehab, my grandparents run his business, he leaves rehab early and within a month is drinking again.

March-July: My uncle routinely doesn't show up for work and my grandpa essentially begins running his business while my uncle still draws a full salary. My uncle also has some crackwhore (literally) living with him. At some point during this time frame my uncle apologizes to me for the incident, however, has never said anything to anyone else in the family about it.

July 3rd: My mom's parents host their annual 4th of July Party for the fireworks on the lake and my Dad's Sister is so jealous that my Uncle is talking to other women she begins hitting on my friends (who are roughly 23-25, she is 42) in some lame attempt make him jealous. (She's seriously a desperate person and clearly seeks validation in men-maybe not the best idea when you're NOT ATTRACTIVE AT ALL and are possibly one of the biggest bitches I've ever met in my life). Now mind you, I hadn't seen her since the Christmas incident and wasn't happy with her to begin with so by this point I was just LIVID at her behavior. I've seen her once since and to call my attitude "cold" would be an understatement.

By late August my uncle has spent his entire savings on drugs and alcohol, is near bankruptcy, and confesses to my grandparents that he is in fact addicted to crack. My grandparents check him into the hospital for a few days, but he refuses rehab and claims he can do it on his own.

Now, my uncle has been missing work again, and apparently has a girlfriend who he is bringing to Thanksgiving dinner. The catch is, my grandma didn't hear about this soon enough to not invite my dad's side of the family. Somehow I'm going to have to find a way to smoke cigarettes during this holiday even though my family (outside of my mom and brother) have no idea I smoke.

So, what could be more fun then watching your Desperate Aunt and Crackhead Uncle who hooked up sit at Thanksgiving dinner together? I'd have to go with seeing her response to him bringing a girlfriend and watching the whole thing go down sober for 1000 Alex. There are times when I wish I still smoked substances other then cigarettes, but my new motto for the Holiday season is: Horray for xanax.