Sunday, February 25, 2007

"That's impossible, Rhonda. How can you sleep when you're high on crack? Chinese riddle for you."

I decided to do an accounting of my crackhead (and alcoholic) Uncle's activities-that I am aware of-in the last week or so. Because really, what is the point of having a crackhead uncle if you can't write about it?

  1. Came over a few days ago to drink beer and stayed even after my grandparents went to bed (at 10:00 p.m.)-the traditional queue to leave.
  2. Was talking extremely fast, mumbling, and continually disappeared.
  3. Stole a bottle of white wine from our house.
  4. Stole a bottle of rum from our house.
  5. Poured a ton off the vodka bottle, since he knows better than to take that.
  6. "Replaced" the rum bottle in the liquor cabinet with a random empty red wine bottle which he apparently brought to the house since nobody here recognizes the type of wine.
  7. Ate my leftover chinese.
  8. Wandered around the basement and presumably took other stuff.
  9. Came back and let himself, his girlfriend and her friend in at 3:00 a.m. (waking up my grandparents), to look for his leather jacket. He couldn't remember if he had left it here or at the "place" crackhouse in a shady area he'd been at previously.
  10. Said jacket was not here, so presumably he was too high to realize it was effing cold and he needed a jacket or he sold it for crack.
  11. Presumably drank more beer.
  12. Called me last night at 1:00 a.m. to let me know he was coming over since he was "hungry"-he didn't want to scare anyone coming over that late so he called ahead (this time).
  13. Woke up my grandparents again, and prompted my grandma to make him something to eat.
  14. Finished the vodka and kahlua, both bottles were 1/2 full.
  15. Took the leftovers from the (delicious) dinner my boss bought me while I was working late Friday.
  16. Stayed until 3:00 a.m., at which point my grandma told him they needed to go back to bed.


Nicky said...

I'm coming to your place of Easter.

Nicky said...

It's 3am here, I have an administration law assignment due in 12 hours. I can't even type "for" - time for bed, sleep then blind panic.

AngryBell said...

When you say he brought his girlfriend over, does that mean he brought your aunt (because I thought they were hooking up according to your chart) or has that nightmare ended?

Elle Woods said...

"Luckily" that was not a recurring nightmare and was just a one time thing.

Ookami Snow said...

This is EXACTLY the reason why I didn't fill out an application for a crackhead uncle.

I'm glad I skipped that one.

Elle Woods said...

Ugg, I know, when I applied for a crackhead uncle I thought it would be so sweet. Two years later I'm realized it's not at all like the advertisement.

Aaron said...

Yeer crackhead uncles always look better on tv infomercials at 3 am.

They dont tell you about all the hidden costs.