Friday, December 23, 2005

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year...

In the Holiday spirit of sharing and making others happy I've decided to share a story from a few Christmas's ago. Now, I'm sure this year will be thoroughly entertaining with both my Mom's brother's getting divorced this year and my Mom's younger brother becoming a full fleged alcohol and crack addict. Not to mention the special joy of him bringing his crackhead girlfriend named, ever so appropriately-Merrily, to our families Holiday festivities. I'm sure I'll be able to further entertain you with a post regarding all that. Not to mention my Dad's sister who hooked up with said uncle last year at Christmas will be there since she's a bit of an "Old Maid" and has nowhere else to go...Things are shaping up rather nicely.

I believe it was 2 years ago when I was the tender age of 20. My now 30 year old cousin showed up with his new girlfriend. She sat on the couch right next to my Grandma and told her all about her new baby.

Now, in order for the full weight of this story to be fully appreciated there are some things you need to know.

  1. My cousin is Jewish (my uncle married a Jewish girl for his first marriage-now he's been divorced 3 times and I call him "3 Divorces" a la Ross on friends).
  2. Said cousin has had some drug problems in the past with good old smack.
  3. As a result of these issues he frequently meets girls in rehab.
  4. These girls tend to be strippers.
  5. Traditionally he and the stripper end up relapsing.
So I take a look at the girlfriend and realize I went to high school with her. I'm positive of it. I have an amazing memory for details and in my delinquent years I'd hung out with this girl (before she got REALLY out of hand). The thing is, when I knew her, she went my Vera, and now she was going my Veronica. However, I figured the names were similar enough that it had to be the same girl. Additionally, Veronica had a SWEET rack, and Vera was, well-FLAT.

Then it dawned on me. I had tutored a girl in high school who was dating a guy who Vera had dated and she used to complain about how Vera was stalking him and about how nasty she had gotten and how she was doing smack and stripping. I knew they had to be the same girl.

Of course, I pulled my mom aside and told her. She in turn couldn't keep her mouth shut and had to say something to Veronica about how we had went to school together. Thereby establishing that my 28 year old cousin had just shown up with a 20 year old and made her a drink. Classy. To be fair, I think I was drinking too-but I was doing it secretly and my mom was encouraging it.

So when we get home I tell my whole family the story about how she was a stripper and about how those are new boobs and how she had a heroin problem. My dad (who has always been close with my cousin Dana) is not shocked and tells me that is how he meets all his girlfriends. My little brother is also not shocked, but for a different reason. He looks at all of us and says:
Of course she's a stripper. Didn't you see how she put her ass up in the air first when she stood up?
My 16 year old brother then proceeded to re-enact her ass up in the air first and body roll stand move (which I've since adopted). My Mom, Dad and Myself nearly pissed ourselves laughing.

With any luck this year will be 1/2 and interesting and I'll be twice as drunk.

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