"I remember when we were driving, driving in your car."

Weird things that have happened in the last 2 weeks involving my car:

1. I bought a new one. I got rid of my 4-Wheel Drive SUV and got something more environmentally friendly. And it's Inferno Red which is fun. And it has a built in cooler that is chilled by the air conditioning. I have no idea when I'll ever use this, but don't act like you're not impressed.
2. Today on my way home I changed lanes (which I had plenty of room to do), but apparently it pissed the lady behind me off, in fairness I am not altogether sure if I signaled, but whatever. She just laid on the horn, I seriously thought it was broken like in Little Miss Sunshine. After about a minute I lost my patience and flipped her off through my handy-dandy moon-roof. She sped up next to me, flipped me off, and then got back behind me. Then the car in front of me slammed on the breaks, so I had to, which made her think I was brake checking her. So then the honking started again. Then a car actually cut me off, so I had to hit the brakes again making her think I again brake checked her. So the honking resumed. Then she sped up, got right next to me, flipped me off almost side swiped me, and then cut me off. At that point I decided it was time to just get away from her anyway possible, so I went to the mall and spent money.
3. The other day I was driving to work and I looked in my rearview-mirror as all responsible drivers do. I saw this chick (seated in the passenger seat) all over the guy driving. Kissing his neck, his ears, rubbing his chest, you get the picture. I'm a bit put off that people have energy for that so early in the morning. And a bit jealous. Then all of a sudden she disappears. I start laughing hysterically. Then I realize I don't want the guy getting road head during rushhour driving behind my new car so I move over a lane, only for her to pop back up less than a mile down the road. Seriously, who does that at 8:10 in the morning?
   

Say what you will about my absence, but at least when I return I bring stories about road rage and road head with me.