Sunday, May 15, 2005

I don't mean to brag...

BUT, I've been cigarette free for 2 1/2 days now! (Plus I hardly smoked Thursday when I was out celebrating)! I figured with the school year over I really needed get serious and quit smoking (rather then just saying how much I wanted to quit). In an effort to remain cigarette free I've also taken a hiatus from drinking (not really a bad thing if you saw me Wednesday or Thursday) until I'm rather sure that I can go out and have a couple beers without wanting to buy a pack of cigarettes. The shocking part is that I have virtually 2 full packs, and until this morning I didn't have the urge to smoke. No headaches though so I think I can do this! I'm sure I'll stumble every now and then and want a hit or two (hence why I just threw those 2 packs in the freezer so they aren't stale when that time may come).

I don't think I've been a raging bitch, but sometimes I'm oblivious to that so if I start bitching about some inconsequential detail and I'm blowing it WAY out of proportion please take the high road and say to yourself "it's nicotine withdrawal...soon she'll be back to her normal self, just a bitch, not a raging bitch."

I do have to confess that the real reason I'm quitting smoking has nothing to do with my health, it's purely out of vanity...Now, I know you're saying to yourself "but smoking makes you look cool and is sexy." While we all know this is true, as the tobacco companies would NEVER lie or mislead us in ads, the long term consequences started to get to me. So I've made a list of things that are not hott about cigarette smoking...

  1. The Teeth...This one has multiple facets. First and foremost, the turning the teeth yellow, clearly not hott for someone as teeth obsessed as I am. Secondly (and more frightening) my Mom just told me how all the women who come in her office who are in their 50's and are smokers have MAJOR teeth problems and a significant portion of them have lost all their teeth. Clearly: being toothless=White Trashy=NOT HOTT! I might be the only person with a teeth fetish, but if the surgeon general had put THAT on the pack I probably would never have started smoking. Ok, that's probably a lie since I've bought cigarettes in Canada and those packs have pictures of rotting, disgusting teeth on them now that I think about it; but I'm sure I would have quit sooner if I'd had to look at my possible future as a toothless wench who can't even be in a courtroom for fear her dentures will fall on the floor. And that brings me to my last reason, dentures. While I'm sure some men will argue there is a benefit to being toothless I can definitly say that I: a-don't agree, b-don't care, c-think that if there is a benefit it would be outweighed by denture odor.
  2. The Cough...nothing says HOTT like hacking for 5 minutes in the morning or after walking up a few flights of stairs.
  3. The wrinkles...For someone who makes sure she has her sunglasses with her whenever it might get sunny as a method of slowing the onset of crows feet it doesn't really make sense to counteract that prevention with something that is ruining my teeth on top of it...Looking 55 when you're really 48, NOT HOTT!
  4. All the things I taught kids in hazards of tobacco (the yellow nails, the smell, the hairy tongue)...Ok, to clarify I do not have a hairy tongue, but the prospect of getting one is very frightening. (Do I even need to say it, clearly NOT HOTT!)
  5. Emphysema...Again with the cough and the wheezing. Plus those oxygen tanks do not come with cute carrying cases, NOT HOTT!
  6. Lung Cancer...Loosing your hair, NOT HOTT!
...Yes, I know I'm going to hell for the last 2, but so are you if you laughed.

So to recap, no booze and no cigarettes...Yeah, this should be a real blast!

PS-I found out one person who ratted out the "Anonymous Fat Guys'" Blog to the administration. I'm not really sure if she's the only one, but let me just say that I am not surprised that this girl did it since any interaction I've had with her has led me to believe she has a pool stick lodged up her ass. Anyone who will:
  1. Ask a question about a footnote that the professor doesn't even remember.
  2. I think (I wasn't paying very much attention that day) she's also the girl that asked the same prof to "draw a picture" when we were talking about indemnification and he went up to the chalkboard and drew a picture of a teddy bear...Hence why I LOVE the KB (aka-the gambler/santa clause/the travelocity gnome).
  3. Consistently raise her hand and annoy the whole class.
  4. Freak out in front of me before my oral argument, stressing me out and causing me to have a breakdown during my argument AND THEN when I ask her how hers went respond "ohh it was easy, I did great." (I'll share more about this great story later).
  5. Is so annoying she gets called "high maintenance" by our contracts prof.
  6. Freak out in the break between the multiple choice section and the essay section on our con law exam, annoying/stressing out at least 5 people I know of (me being one of them) since they felt it wasn't that bad.

Is definitly not above being a tattle-tale.


Sexy Bitch said...

honey, i am so proud of you for your accomplishments at law school. clearly you are like star player of wayne state's L1 class. i'm sorry i can't come visit you and am a horrible friend, hopefully you will forgive me someday.

Elle Woods said...

Hunny, you are not a terrible friend. You're the best gay husband a girl could ever ask for! I'm not what I would call a "star player" but "I'm kind of a big deal...People know me." Hunny, I'm excited to go to Madison to see just because of how excited your Dad is for me to go to Madison.