Wednesday, June 8, 2005

Why I was a Horrible Roommate: Jell-O Shot Night (Part 1 in a Multi-Part Series)

While this story was not the first to happen at the lovely home in Ann Arbor which I will refer to as the 305 I think it’s one of my favorites. It’s not even really a story about how I’m a bad roommate, until the very end with my actions towards The Gay Husband…But it’s a good story anyway, and it’s my blog! Being that The Gay Husband was willing to even speak to me after this, let alone become one of my closest friends says a lot about him as a person, and should have said even more about another roommate mentioned. Sadly, I didn’t learn that lesson so quickly, but in time I did and essentially went on to make it hell for her to live there. I would also like to add that I am not inherently a bad roommate. I didn’t have a single fight with my roommate freshmen year and I got along with most of my housemates just fine for the most part, however, when people try to tell me what to do when I’m paying almost $500 a month in rent and treat me like a child when really they’re acting like one, I tend to act out and not really care if I’m annoying them…And if I’m particularly annoyed that day, it might just be my goal.

As a sidenote about why I’m really not a bad person for annoying people, this roommate, that I liked to annoy so much did plenty of other things that were even more annoying such as:

  1. Essentially moving her boyfriend in
  2. Giving him a key
  3. Leaving messes all over the place
  4. Leaving a glob of jelly on the carpet for it to become covered in hair-most likely hers
  5. Leaving long block hairs all over the bathroom floor-particularly annoying to people with hair aversions like I me
  6. Taking up the entire fridge
  7. Leaving a Tupperware container with cookies in the landing for 3 months
  8. Leaving Thanksgiving leftovers in the fridge until January or so-when I finally asked her to clean them up
  9. Not letting anyone else move her car (because German cars are different then American Cars)
  10. Demanding a spare set of my car keys
  11. Being bitchy in general...the list goes on...

At least my list is only:

  1. Had friends over all the time
  2. Drank too much
  3. Was loud

So the whole thing started because BC wanted to go to a house-party at her friends house where this cool band was playing. They were doing 2 sets, a 9 p.m. show (which we clearly could not make due to the pre-game we had at the 305) and then one at a little later time (I don’t really recall when-for reasons that will soon become clear).

We decided that we’d make Jell-O shots. BC got the standard booze of that year; cheap ass vodka, plastic cups, and had The Gay Husband buy the Jell-O when he went to Meijer (we ended up with Rainbow Jell-O shots of course). So being that my family owned restaurants for years and I used to have to pour dressing into those little cups I kept telling BC the ones she had gotten were 2 oz and that I was sure of it since it was the size we used for salad dressing, but she wouldn’t believe me. Eventually I just caved agreed with her against my better judgment. So according to our math, the Jell-O shots would each have almost ½ a shot in them. About ½ way into the pre-party we found the wrapper for the cups and realized that yet again, I was right. All of the Jell-O shots had almost a full shot...this was around 8:30. It was also when I realized I’d drank WAY too much already and drunk dialed B, I believe, a call that will go down in infamy as an early ass drunk dial in college life. (Nowadays I don’t think that would be too uncommon). But I digress. This was also around the time that we started doing body shots of tequila-since that always ends well.

Eventually we make our way to the party and if I remember correctly the usual suspects were there: BC, Mateo Feo, Mark, CMT, AM, Myself, Big, MC, and CK (my roommate) even came out with us that night, I remember this since he separated me from from a kid I was making out with-but that comes later.

So needless to say when we get to the party I’m already tanked. I keep trying to sneak beers, but Beth keeps taking them from me. One of these attempts ended with her letting go of the cup in frustration and me dumping Honey Brown all over my head. So next thing I remember CK is telling me to call German Boy/GB/Geebs/Geeberino and profess my love for him, which I of course did-probably to his answering machine, I don’t really remember. Then we ran into some guys I knew from freshmen year and despite by being cut off they started giving me shots, that is, until CK yelled at them to stop. I think this is when I got covered in beer, or as I like to call it, started wearing “Ode to Cerveza” perfume.

All of a sudden I needed to pee, so I made my way downstairs and got in line. I don’t really know if I ever did pee since I was found by CK, making out with some random guy in front of the bathroom (what is it with me and Bathrooms, I tell ya). So, my roommates decided I needed to go home and BC's friend Mateo-Feo volunteered to walk me. I was home before 11 p.m., who gets taken home that early...ME! Mind you, it was cold so CMT lent him her long black sweater (you know, the long kind that every college aged girl has with the belt thing). I really have no idea what was said to my roommates/friends and I’m sure I didn’t go easily, and for any problems I caused for them I am sorry.

Ok, so cut to the 305. Mateo-Feo dropped me off and left me in JS's care. I basically laid her in Popasan chair and harassed her and her lame ass boyfriend, RW. I have essentially no recollection of this. Next thing I know, JS (who I’ve known for 4 years at this point in time) goes downstairs and gets The Gay Husband (who I’ve known less then a month) and tells him I need to be put to bed.

The Gay Husband goes about everything right. He tries to get me water, puts the garbage by my head and tried to get me into bed. Now, anyone who is trying to get me to go to bed knows (basically B and The Gay Husband) I refuse to sleep in my street clothes. I had already flashed The Gay Husband at this point in time at least twice and proceeded to take my pants off to change right in front of him. I also groped his chest somewhere in there…Sexually assaulting a gay roommate, just my style. Next he got me into bed and was trying to get me to drink water, which I refused to do. I intentionally knocked 32 oz of water over and said “looks like I’m finished with my water.” And the worst part is, The Gay Husband cleaned up the mess. This was when I realized he was a great person and when we started bonding...Ohh how I miss our dinners together. Shockingly, I never actually used the garbage can that night; not so shockingly, most of what I know from this story was filled in by others-if you know any more details or if I got some of them wrong feel free to let me know.

1 comment:

POD said...

Intentionally spilling water? Making out? Jello shots with a FULL ounce of vodka? What is this world coming to. Americans are so lame!!

Sincerely,

A Canadain law student.