GROSS!!!

I'm growing slightly disgusted with the amount of people (read: middle aged secretaries and partners) who openly leave Benefiber or other fiber supplements on their desks.

Shortie

As part of my treatment for the below stated injury I have to be in a leg immobilizer. I'm no stranger to them after 2 significant knee injuries, and as such when they brought it into the room I protested:

"I understand I have to wear a brace, but that is designed to go from mid-thigh to mid-calf on most adults, on me it will go from crotch to ankle, I can't wear that with slacks-which I have to wear to work."

What was the solution? Bringing me a shorter brace-sheer genius really. However, it wasn't until I just took it off and looked at the tag on it that I realized where it came from, the peds department. And to make it that much funnier, in order for it to fit on me since 1-I'm not a kid, 2-my knee is so swollen; I definitely got a large. Otherwise known as a fat kid brace.

In Case You Care...

Finally went to have my knee looked at. Apparently my knee cap is fractured and I have water on the knee. I managed to convince the E.R. doctor to let me go see my orthopedic surgeon to have it drained.

As an added bonus I learned that telling people in the E.R. you fell down the stairs is a really good way to get treated like a battered woman. Nothing I like better than repeated questions about how I injured myself at 8 a.m., except repeated questions at 8 a.m. implying I have a boyfriend when I'm single.

I also got to hangout with some friends today. It was nice to be around people who laughed when I told them the story. Everyone who saw it was all serious, (as was my family when I told them) and I can officially say it was a sad day when people's first response to me falling was concern rather than laughter.

Friday Recap

1. Fell down the stairs at work. Only about 4 or 5. However instead of falling backwards on my butt I fell face first, landed on my knee I've previously had an ACL replacement and a broken knee cap¹. As I crashed through the glass door 2 associates, a partner and a secretary were walking by-I didn't think of it at the time but I should have just yelled "SURPRISE!" I have a huge bruise and it's REALLY swollen. And I can barely walk, yet I played softball tonight-but we'll get there.
2. Almost hit a deer on the way to softball, should have realized I then I should just go home.
3. A ground ball took a bad bounce and my good friend took it to the mouth. Two of his teeth were at a 45 degree angle and one I had to retrieve from the dirt. Then I put it in water since it was all I had. Then I had to fish it out of the water when we got some ice. Then, before I got it into the ice I dropped it again, into the dirt. Don't worry I picked it up, but I'm kinda hoping he doesn't read this and realize I dropped his tooth in the dirt.

Had I not shown up, they would have had to forfeit and therefore my friend would still have all his teeth in his mouth-it's always my fault somehow. I think I'll stay in the rest of the weekend.

¹Unpaid mafia debts, clearly. That did not happen during another falling incident at Bally Total Fitness.

Tucker Carlson Moment of Zen

"So you're going from a job where you make a pretty good amount of money and you're adored by obsessive fans to a job where you have to stand up all day, nobody likes you and you don't get paid well. I don't know, I don't know if I wish victory on you."

"Can I Graduate, Can I get my punk ass off the street?"

Today was my brother's high school graduation. Being that he went to prep school and all the kids achievements resumes were read this meant the ceremony was over 3 hours long. My high school class was twice the size and I'd venture to say it was over in 2 hours. Hell, my class at U of M was probably 40 times the size and it didn't last that long.

My personal highlights of the evening:

1. The CEO of Diamler/Chrysler was the Keynote speaker. This was funny for a few reasons. 1-At my graduation from U of M the Key note speaker was a race car driver who founded car and driver magazine-his high school gets Diamler/Chrysler. 2- My brother dated his daughter. 3- While he was giving a speach about technology such as "Text Messaging" actually taking us further away from people I was texting back and forth with an associate. Ok so maybe those 3 are only funny to me, but whatever.
2. The Indian Family seated behind us. The dad kept correcting all the pronounciations of indian names in this really snarky indignant way. Everytime he did it I had all I could do to not crack up. I really wish I would have thought to record to illustrate, but I didn't so you'll just have to picture Apu from The Simpsons (in fact that is exactly how his hair was styled) mocking 2 middle aged ivy league educated men. Classic.
   

"Summertime, and the living's easy"

Today I had a meeting with [Hours], [ASSociate] and our other Associate. It lasted 3 hours. During which, [Hours]:

1. Made/Took 9 phone calls. At one point he was on his cell and his desk phone at the same time. One of his phone calls was to his wife on speakerphone to prove his family wasn't doing anything for him on Father's Day.
2. Told us a story that somehow related Tommy Chong to '70's porno...The details are fuzzy.
3. Told us "forbidden" stories about 2 partners.
4. Checked his e-mail twice...He hates e-mail
   
5. Checked his calendar 4 times.
6. Encouraged [ASSociate], who is 28, to hook up with a 19 year old-who is suing us.
   
7. Told us 4 stories about fights he and his friends got in during their "Disco" days. Also told us about the time one of his friends "poopedy his pants a little" when he thought he "just farted" at a disco.
8. Told us what the cool places to hang out used to be. Including a bar that used to have a 2 way mirror so that the patrons could see the owner screwing random girls from the bar.
   
9. Harassed us for not inviting him to a party we had this weekend. At which time [ASSociate] chimed in that he wasn't invited either-go figure.
10. Invited us all to lunch tomorrow.

"I just called to say I love you; I just called to say how much I care."

Great, maybe next time you could figure that out when we lived in the same city and not when we live 5 hours and over 300 miles apart. Just a thought.

I hate men.

Timing like this is why if I wasn't allergic to cats I'd end up some crazy cat lady who had to pick up her suits from the cleaner and get dressed either on the way to work, in the parking garage, or at office. Since if she takes any of her clothes in her house they end up reeking of cat pee. Plus I'd have to overfeed them a la Miranda on Sex and the City so as to make sure when I die home alone and lie there undiscovered all weekend they don't eat my face like they "allegedly" did to the lady who owned the Miranda's place before her.

Sure, I could be overreacting. But that is not really a possibility I'm willing to consider currently.

"That's so Fetch!"

"Gretchen stop trying to make fetch happen."

Being that I spent my afternoon slacking off out on the deck getting tan and watching cute/well built guys install the dock (I had honestly not seen a guy as hot these 2 in ages-I'd forgetten that lawyers aren't usually "model" quality) I thought I'd share my 3 favorite links.

1. Congratulations to Shakira, her song has been played more in one week then what is arguably the most overplayed song of all time (outside of perhaps "Tubthumping" by Chumbawumba).
2. iPods are the new black beer.
3. Hasselhoff as Secret Asian¹ Man.

¹That's what I thought the lyrics were when I was little.

Elle v. Goliath

My brother recently started his first job ever. He graduated high school this year and has been 18 since 2005. He works at a Country Club. One of the caddies "allegedly" stole (read: absolutely is guilty) his iPod out of his car (he had a 30 gig Video like I do). He's seen one of them listening to a black iPod since the incident. He is more passive than I am. I think it's a pretty clear cut case and being that my mom could barely afford to buy us the iPods for Christmas there is no way I'm going to let this caddy get away with this.

When I ran into my brother tonight I gave him a few choices:

1. He deals with it via the caddy and his "boyz" or the manager of the club.
2. I deal with it through the manager of the club.
3. I deal with it through the caddies.

I personally think door #3 is the best choice being that all 5'3'' of me arguing with 6'6'' guys never gets old.

Pretty Standard

Best Friend Forever: I'm leaving my apartment to come get you right now.

Elle Woods: Ok, so when do I have to put on pants.

BFF: In 20 minutes you sicko.

Happy Birthday Mr. President!

In honor our birthdays and the fact that I have a blog-crush on her, I would like take this time to direct you to my favorite Blawger, Moral Turpitude. Honestly, if you don't love the drawings I just do not know what to say.

Ohh, and this is so the posture I hold all day long. And yes, I did just have collagen injected into my lips.

Book Report

I just finished Anonymous Lawyer (it was a very quick read-I basically read it in one sitting last night and then had about 40 pages to finish up this morning).

As I said previously the form worked well with my A.D.D. tendencies. Most of you know by now that it's written as a blog. The story, however, (from my point of view) is actually led by e-mails sent back and forth between The Anonymous Lawyer, his Anonymous Niece (who will be starting at Yale law school in the fall), and a Summer Associate who figures out his identity. The e-mails provide for quick transitions and help to keep the readers attention, something a series of blog posts would fail to do in my opinion.

The interesting thing is that in the end I found myself pulling for the Anonymous Lawyer, who if you read the blog at all, you would probably guess is not your standard "hero." I'm not really sure if I was pulling for him because of the writing or because I deal with people like him all day long, who when you talk to one-on-one are actually decent human beings-no matter what persona they give off at work. I'd like to hear from some people who have read it who don't have jobs where they deal with narcissitic assholes all day to see if they felt the same way about the end.

Summer Reading...

I've gotten started reading Anonymous Lawyer, I really like it thus far, and while I wasn't sure how the format would really work I'm rather impressed by it and find it suits my A.D.D. personality/reading style very well. However, more on that later.

However, I had just started my first reading, a little book not many people have heard about-called The Da Vinci Code. I guess a movie just came out that was inspired by the book. I'd never read it so I figured I'd give it a try, but being that I'm 3 years behind the times I figured it could go on the back burner for a few more days.

"Everybody's Working for the Weekend."

It's pretty much a given that I'll spend a few hours in the office over the weekend no matter how much I resist. Given that [Hours] has trial this coming week, despite the lovely weather, I spent the majority of the time under fluorescent lighting.

I managed to bill over 14 hours this weekend (I usually bill about 4 on the weekend), even with distractions such as:

1. Eating broasted chicken, broasted potatoes and coleslaw with [Bill], [More] and [Hours] and learning that broasting is in actuality high pressure frying...Yet for some reason [Hours] claims it's better for you then regular fried chicken.
2. Catching [Hours] stashing about 15 mini bottles of Absolut Vodka in his desk drawer.
3. Watching [Hours] do a 10 minute impersonation of his Polish Brother in law.
4. Eating Chinese food with [Bill], [More] and [Hours].
5. Having [Hours] use his hairy, chubby, stomach as a "demonsterative exhibit" of where a scar was located.
6. Listening to [Hours] rant about how pissed he'd be if I didn't invite him to my wedding. I tried to explain not only did I not have a fiance that I didn't even have a boyfriend at this point in time. This did not seem to matter to him. I have never been more convinced eloping is the way to go.
7. Drinking [Hours] favorite Mexican beer with he, [Bill] and [More] once we wrapped up trial prep this evening.

I will say the office is more fun on the weekends, yet sadly it is not more fun then sitting out on my deck getting a suntan or swimming in the lake.

At least my Jergen's Glow allowed me to make-believe I spent time in the sun this weekend.

"I Wish-That-I Knew What I Know Now-When I Was Younger."*

Professor's might say they lower you 1/3rd of a letter grade for absences but they never do. Trust me, I have pushed this policy to the limit.

So when it's a gorgeous day and you'd rather be on the golf course or at a baseball game, go for it, since as a lawyer you can only get away with that if you have a client with you.

I should note: I have heard of people being dropped from a class, but they have to give notice for that, so no worry.

*Rod Stewart lyrics as a title. Wow. Wow.

Inverse Relation

I have one grade out still, it comes as no surprise it's the Judge who can't be bothered doing meaningless things like grading exams, that's what law clerks and interns are for.

What has come as a surprise were my other grades. Not going to class suits me and my GPA well. Literally the more class I miss the better I do. Yay me!

Press...

Today I got an e-mail forward from an associate with this link. Makes me kinda curious to know if he reads the Anonymous Lawyer Blawg, of other blawgs-namely mine. Too bad I couldn't brag I was getting an advance copy of the book (after a little whining).

INAPPROPRIATE!

[Hours]: Remember that thing she had on her lip she claimed was a Nair burn?

[Elle Woods]: Yeah, it was pretty gross.

[Hours]: It was herpes...Symplex 2. What middle aged woman gets that kind of herpes on their mouth? You KNOW it's not from her husband.

[Elle Woods]: Herpes lasts forever you know, she could have gotten it in the '70's.

[Hours]: Yeah, women did seem to give more BJ's back then.