There are People More Spoiled Then I Am...

In fact, I'm related to one. My beloved little brother puts me to shame on the spoiled scale.

My mom called me the other night freaking out that his FAFSA form wasn't filed yet. I asked her why he hadn't done it (being that I did all mine) and she dodged the question. I asked where he was, she said "out with his friends." By this point in time I'm livid being that I know I'm going to have to go help my mom since according to her the deadline is March 1st (whatever, I didn't want to argue). So I drive over to their house, and on the first page I need his driver's license number. So I call him and ask for it (albeit I was being a bit short with him by this point in time) and he starts yelling at me. I ignore it and tell him to just give me the damn numbers. By the time he gets home later I'm entering all my parents financial information. He comes in (with red eyes-and not from crying or allergies) and goes straight down the hall to his room, doesn't so much as say hello to my mom and I. When he didn't come back out I went and harassed him and told him he should be handling this. He just yelled some more and said (in a joking tone) "I hate you guys." My brother, the Teenage Drama Queen.

Lesson Learned

Apparently Conflicts of Law is not about dueling. Who knew? On that note I suppose I should start studying for that midterm on Monday.

Wednesday Wants to Know

After a brief hiatus, it's back. Yes, it's the wee hours of Tuesday-but we wanted to give everyone sufficient time to answer. We know you all love this incarnation of the blog meme, so TheNambyPamby and I couldn't just stop. This week's topic is the sanity inducing life blood, coursing through the veins of bitter law students everywhere: Alcohol.

This week's trifecta:

Question 1

• a). What's the best drink to aid you to make your mind an etch-a-sketch? Dry Gin Martini's; up, neat.
• b). What will you sip/nurse/chug when you are in a social setting and you cannot appear to be a lush? Depends on the setting red wine or vodka/crans are a good way to go. I don't really know, since I usually look like a lush so I guess it doesn't matter. I try to generally avoid drinking at work functions since there is a really fine line between "tipsy" and "drunk" Elle and I don't want anyone I work with to see me cross it.
  
• c). Some say you are being cultured, others say you are an alcoholic; when drinking alone, what is your poison of choice? Caucasians, or White Russians for those of you who don't speak "Lebowsk-ese"

Question 2

• What has your drunk-ass done to embarass the shit out of yourself the most? Seriously there are just WAY too many to even try to narrow it down. Yeah, I know that probably means I "have a drinking problem" but screw you for judging me. I'll just link to a story The Dude just posted since it's hilarious and if anyone has more crazy drunk stories then me, it's him. Scratch that, he definitely does.
  

Question 3

• In your best Thomas Crown impression, what is the best way to debonairly buy a person you are attracted to a drink? I've never bought a guy a drink outside of when I'm out with my guy friends and I feel compelled to buy a round of shots (read: I'm wasted), so I don't really have a "smooth" way to do it. As for guys buying drinks; I think when they ask if they can buy you one it's lame. Grow a set of balls and send a drink over to me.
  

As always, we invite you to join in the comments here, over at TheNambyPamby, or by posting it on your own blog [just be sure to give us the shout out¹]. We are always accepting of topics and questions, if you have good ones please shoot us an e-mail.

¹People had questions about "Trackback" before-if you link to the post itself and not just the blog Haloscan will magically put a link to your blog in the [Stalkers]/[Trackback] part of our blog depending on who you link to,

You Lock It Up!

I've already written about the evils of my evidence class and the evening students who are nearly twice my age, yet, oddly enough-have no social skills. (Then again, what do I expect-even though they have been in the real world for awhile they are still law students).

In addition to all that fun, I quite possibly have the worst seat in the history of seats in said class. Someone around me has awful B.O. (I haven't figured out who it is yet)¹. Sadly enough, this isn't the worst assault to my senses that goes on during the class, as the B.O. is only noticeable periodically. No the worst assault to my senses comes from the girl behind me (as an added bonus she is also the leading caluprit for offense #1):

1. She breathes through her mouth SO LOUDLY that it literally sounds like Darth Vader. The whole class I have trouble not shouting out "Luke, I am your father!"
2. Literally snorts in combination with the mouth breathing. Seriously. SNORTS. You can't make this shit up people.
   

She's a really nice girl but I wondering how well it would go over if I suggested she learn to breathe through her nose like the rest of us and not make animal noises in class. Showering might also be cool but I'd really settle for not thinking a guy in a giant black helmet and cape was sitting behind me.

¹Shut up, it's not me. But after noticing the awful smell the last 3 days I've attended class (which is about all I attended all February) I did do the sure/unsure test today.

HECK YES!!!

Seriously, I do not think I could have asked for a better Sunday and Monday.

Sunday my activities consisted of:

1. Sleeping in until 10:30.
2. Slacking off.
3. Pretending to read evidence.
4. Doing enough laundry and I could not smell this week.
5. Not one, but TWO naps.
6. Thinking about starting to study for my midterm, but then realizing starting studying 8 days in advance would be a bit much.
7. Watching Armageddon (mock all you want, I know it's completely unrealistic but for some reason it's one of the few movies that can actually make me cry...Sidenote: I didn't cry at Hotel Rwanda-I already knew a lot about it though and wasn't really shocked by anything-and yet I cry uncontrollably for roughly the last 90 minutes of Armageddon.)
8. Ate Chinese Food.
9. Watched Dancing With the Stars.
10. Watched Grey's Anatomy.

(For those of you who know me, you know I rarely if ever watch television these days, so when I do it's the ultimate vegging out activities for me).

Today, I:

1. Didn't have to deal with [Hours] at work at all.
2. Wrote a kick ass motion. (UPDATE: [Hours] just e-mailed me at home to tell me my motion was great!)
   
3. Realized there is a benefit to working crazy hours at the start of the month, with one day left to bill I have 1 hour left to make my quota-which shouldn't be too difficult-whereas 1/2 the associates who slacked at the start of the month are going to be there 14 hours a day today and tomorrow. Which means:

I GET A BONUS!!!

Out of the Closet

I finally showed my parents the blog this weekend. My mom thought I was hilarious (mostly as a result of me ripping on my dad and this post), and realized what "artistic license" is (not shocking since she was an english major), my dad told me I was embellishing-but funny-because apparently the dryer was what was originally what he was trying to fix earlier. Sorry I didn't get all the details right dad. By far the best part of the response was when we were all talking and my dad was like:

Shhh! We're going to end up on the blog-o-sphere!

Granted he got the word wrong but I was impressed he was even close.

And while we're on the subject of just how real are things around here, lets sit down, sign kumbaya and talk for a second. When I started this blog I had NO idea it would become as popular as it has. My writing was horrid in the beginning-hell, I still don't check for grammar-and let's face it, boring. I did the whole "Legally Blonde" thing as a satire, even though I am rather prissy I never really took it seriously or expected others to. I mean, come on, have you seen how much I swear around here-not very Elle Woods like. So without further ado, I'm going to answer some questions-which I wrote-that I think will shed light on this whole situation.

1. Is everything posted here exact reality? No, I'd be stupid to post everything exactly as it happens given how much I post about the firm.
2. Do I really look like Reese Witherspoon? No. I look a lot more like Drew Barrymore according to the guys who I used to work with.
3. Am I really blonde? Yes (ok, I do have some chemical assitance to reach my desired color).
4. Am I cute? Yes, painfully-in fact I hate being the "cute" girl. As a result of my cheeks I will never be "gorgeous" but really, cute isn't that bad when you consider the opinions¹. But I do have pretty blue eyes and a great smile working in my favor.
5. Am I still a prissy girl who enjoys manicures, pedicures, shoes, cute outfits and all that jazz? Yes.
6. Do I have some "junk in the trunk"? Yes, I was a dancer growing up and now I sit on my ass most of the day, of course I have junk in the trunk.
7. Are my thighs as slim as I'd like them to be? No.
8. Can I walk in 5'' heels while drunk and not fall down? Hell yes I can.
9. Do I live up to expectations? Probably not. But I'm a law student with a blog people, let's be serious for a second about how hott I could really be. Odds are I'm not going to look like Paris Hilton.
10. Do I still give amazing blowjobs? Yes, Yes I do. (This one was included so the list would have 10, but I'm not denying the level of truthfulness)².

¹The boyfriend told me I had to add that I was gorgeous, but I told him he's biased.
²To all my law school friends who read this: clearly, this is a joke.

It's Shake and Bake,

and I helped.

In case you're wondering, the 1st 8 paragraphs are mine, which does mean I suggested my own site twice, but what can I say I'm a rockstar.

PS-TheNambyPamby and I are bringing back Wednesday Wants to Know now that our lives are much less psycho, so be prepared for that Tuesday night.

I Just Pulled a Puck*...

in that, I just ate Peanut Butter out of the jar using my finger.

*From Real World Season 3, for those of you who do not remember.

Could I Be The Next Dianna L. Abdala?

I sent an e-mail to a Professor "explaining" my absence from class stating that I had the "flu" and that I should have listened to my mother and gotten a flu shot¹.

I just got a e-mail back from my professor which I took as semi catty, telling me I should listen to my mother and that he was extremely happy to see I rebounded in time for my "on-call" day. Technically, it might not have been catty, but I really think that was his intent.

I had an e-mail response typed which basically consisted of "In actuality, I had mono during the timeframe in which I should have gotten a flu shot so I wasn't able to get one." Then I remembered Ms. Abdala and all the fuss her stupid e-mailing² caused I decided it was probably better off not sent. Now I feel like some stupid movie of the week since I've "learned my lesson" and I'm going to "take the highroad."

¹Anyone questioning the truthfulness of this e-mail might be onto something

²If you're one of 2 people in the legal profession who haven't seen it, send me an e-mail and I'll forward it to you.

I Joined Netflix...

and already I feel like that episode of Sex and the City where Miranda gets Tivo and becomes obsessed with it and freaks out when Magda accidentally sits on it and clears the memory and then falls in love with Steve even more because he fixes it for her after she spent a ton of time on the phone with the Tivo people trying to fix it.

I've rated 167 movies, have 377 recommendations and 279 things in my Queue (My logic was that if I went through and added basically everything I wanted to see then I could just tinker with it-since I'm too busy normally to pick out movies and whatnot-and make certain things come sooner, the flaw in this plan is that I've literally added about 3 years worth of viewing material.)¹; anyway I think it's safe to say that I have in effect, joined a cult.

UPDATE: Apparently an intervention is being staged as my OCD is taking over my Netflix Queue-ing...

ElleWoods626: 330.

Boyfriend: in your queue?

ElleWoods626: yes

Boyfriend: you have to stop

Boyfriend: I can help you, babe

ElleWoods626: i'm a person with feelings and all i have to do it what i want to do, and that is fill my netflix queue

Boyfriend: I know you have feelings

Boyfriend: we all have feelings

Boyfriend: I have feelings for you

Boyfriend: and I'm not going to let some wacky movie cult turn you into a pod woman

¹Most of them are television shows so it's easy for them to add up when there are 6 disks to a season and you (like the OCD freak that you are) add all the seasons.

I know my parents are pretty laid back and all, but I just read the Kanye West Playboy interview because the issue was sitting on the coffee table. That's a bit much even for me.

UPDATE: Apparently when I got my brother Playboy for his 17th birthday I got him 2 years worth, so I guess I can't say anything since I paid for it.

Ok, here's the deal. I have a hangover. Who knows what that means?

Doesn't that mean you're drunk?...No. It means I was drunk yesterday.

P.S.: Bloggers who post about/have on their sidebar/mention that they are on law review "slyly" on their blog really annoy me. I should be able to get up with a horrid hangover and look at my links without seeing law review bullshit. Trust me, nobody cares that you're lame.

P.P.S.: For some reason for some reason I woke up at my parents house, I suggested my brother and I go to breakfast, my mom insisted on making it. While appreciated, she's making a ton of noise and if we were at a breakfast place I'd have my food by now.

I'll See You and I'll Raise You a Federal Judgship*.

NDC appears up in arms about a 1L's behavior. I can beat that, no problem. "His Honor" (my Evidence Prof for those of you who aren't reading along. Comes into my Conflicts class with 20 minutes left each class-a full 30 minutes before his class starts-and proceeds to set his stuff down in the back, hang up his jacket and then walk out-allowing the door to slam behind him. AND HE'S A FEDERAL JUDGE! (Albeit a George H.W. Bush appointee, who none of the "cool" lawyers in my office can stand).

To sweeten the pot, once the Conflicts Prof ends class, usually 15 minutes early-or 25 minutes before Evidence begins-"His Honor" rushes in and stands behind the lecturn where the Conflict Prof still is standing and is taking student questions and proceeds to chime in regarding the questions.

This is why people hate Lawyers, a man who is coveted by about 95% of Lawyers-seriously does it get any easier then being a Federal Judge, AND as a bonus, you can't be fired-is also a total douche and lacks social skills.

*I really doubt that is even a real word, but it is to me.

Family Matters

The current debate in my parents household is whether it's necessary to call a repair man to fix the broken washer. My dad, who is one of the cheapest men in the world, is instant that he can fix it himself. One catch, he's been trying for 2 weeks and all he's managed to accomplish is taking the washer apart and leaving it in pieces on the laundry room floor. Plus there was so sort of "accident" with water-I didn't even ask-and now the dryer is malfunctioning as well.

My mother of course wanted to call a repair man before my father worked his magic but he was insistent that he could fix it, and not one to argue my mom let him try. While my dad is extremely handy appliances are not his strong suit. I remember when we had one of those upright freezers (which was FULL of stuff) but the seal on the door wasn't working properly-no big deal my dad decided to install a latch on the side. He had placed 2 latches on and was going for the 3rd "Just to make sure it seals" (read: since he bought 3 hinges and wanted to use them all) when all of a sudden we all hear a hissing sound followed by a stream of profanity that would make George Carlin blush. Apparently he'd drilled through the Freon line, which meant we needed to find someplace to store all this frozen stuff, in the middle of summer, mind you...But, I digress.

Whenever questioned regarding "Are you sure you can fix this? Shouldn't we maybe just call a repairman?" My dad offers the same response:

I took my tricycle apart when I was 2, I think I can handle this.

Here are the problems with his argument:

1. Nowhere in the argument does he mention putting it back together.
2. A tricycle is a bit less complex then a washer/dryer/vacuum, whatever.
3. Everyone who he's trying to reassure with this story knows about the Christmas Eve that he and my next door neighbor got drunk and tried to put together my brother and the kid next door's new bicycles and when my dad got done with my brother's there was one piece left over-at which point he had to start over.

The point is my dad is one of those "do it yourself guys"-even if it ends up costing everyone else more hassle/inconvenience/money in the long run he has to take a shot at the project himself.

I, however, am the complete opposite, if you can pay someone to do it-then why not? is my general school of thought. It helps support the local economy and moreover-it keeps my hands clean. To this end my dad gets pissed when I go to the "Full Service Car Wash" or when I pay to get my oil changed. Yesterday when he flipped out about both of these I calmly pointed out that:

1. It's freezing outside and I didn't want to clean the inside of my car, nor did I have the facilities (outdoor water) to clean the outside.
2. My car is a Honda, and he's only worked on domestic cars so I'd much rather not void my warranty by having him attempt to change my oil (which he would undoubtedly screw up-no I didn't say this) and then have no documentation of even having had maintenance done at all.
3. I'd be happy to pay him the $20 I paid the car wash to clean my car if he'd be so kind as to clean the inside-ohh and the car wash gives you another free wash in 5 days so I'd be back to collect that too.
4. Maybe he should be focusing on the washer which is in pieces on the laundry room floor and in the alternative looking for a good repair man because I was sick of listening to my mom bitch about it.

Needless to say, he hung up on me.

That's interesting John, that glass looks half full to me...Wow, now that you mention it, it *is* half full.

I woke up this morning and my entire upper left arm was itchy, red, hot and swollen; GROSS!, I know. I've always had really sensitive skin, and while nothing like this has ever happened to me before, I didn't think much of it in general. I put on a cashmere sweater in the hope that it wouldn't irritate it too much and actually made it into work 15 minutes early for once (I run a standard 10 minutes late everywhere-which I blame on the college time system in which nothing starts on the hour but rather 10 past).

While I was at work it started getting worse, however, I was in the midst of writing an Summary Disposition motion, so there was no way I was leaving. I went to the first aid cabinet, grabbed an ice pack, shoved it in my sleeve and went back to work figuring nobody would notice. Of course [Hours] came over to my desk to ask me something and was immediately distracted by the size of my arm. I explained that I had an ice pack on it and that it was fine, yet he demanded to see it. After taking one look at it he ordered me into his office where he began his interrogation.

Do you have a Doctor? Call them! They can't see you today? Call them back and ask what emergency room should go to! Are you sure you don't want me to call a Doctor?

I told him it would be fine and that I was sure it was nothing to worry about and that I would just wait and see if it cleared up on it's own. He started yelling at me and told me I was going to the doctor TODAY. I finally consented, however on my way to the Doctor I stopped for lunch at Einstein Brothers and at the Full Service Car Wash (they vacuum your car and clean the interior in addition to washing the outside); so needless to say, I wasn't in too big of a hurry.

When I called him back and reported what the Doctor had told me-that it wasn't a bug bite or hives but it looked like an allergic reaction to something, but it was difficult to say what, since I hadn't changed any of my products lately-he decided that wasn't good enough. He called a Doctor friend of his and made me an appointment for tomorrow since he decided I need a second opinion.

I'm a bit put off since I don't really even like it when my parents step in like that, however, I do have to say it is very nice that he's so concerned about my wellbeing. He probably just figures he needs to get it fixed now before it gets any worse and I have to miss a bunch of work after they amputate my arm or some shit, it's all about having the lowest possible loss of productivity.

Lightening Strikes Twice

"By Line" Guy was at it again in evidence. He might be the most annoying law student I've ever encountered. His lips have been surgically placed on "His Honor's" ass (which to be fair most of the people in that class are like that-but this guy takes it to a new level).

So as we're talking about the special evidence rules pertaining to allowing in the sexual history of the accused (Rules 413, 414, and 415 if you're keeping track) in comparison with Rule 412 which shields the victims sexual past he actually asked:

Why this area of law? Is it because it's SEX?

Hmm, I don't know maybe because it's a he said/she said area and people are acquitted at extremely high rates. Or maybe it was the political popularity, but I digress.

As if that wasn't annoying enough he followed up with:

Why don't women resist if they want to have proof of their rape?

Hmm, First off, THEY DO! And maybe the ones who do not resist "enough" by "your standards", Sir, do so because women who resist are beaten and raped more severely.

As you may have guessed, by the looks of this guy (who is between 35 and 40), I'm not entirely sure he's ever had sex. I must say, night students (read: old people) are a completely different breed of law student.

Super Exciting Post About My Fish!

Being that I was on call in Conflicts today, I was about to crack open the books nice and early this morning, but then I realized I could procrastinate by cleaning Bruiser the Betta's fish bowl (not that it was dirty at all). Tragically, it was cracked and I had to run to the pet store and find something new. I'd been pondering getting something a bit bigger, and getting Bruiser some friends. Long boring story "short" I got convinced to by a 5 gallon Hexagon Tank...

Being that the new tank was HUGE I decided Bruiser needed some friends, so I got:

2 Tetra's, one who whom Bruiser chases around the tank so I've decided to name him Leslie (after the Senator's dog who Bruiser has homosexual relations with in Red, White and Blonde); the other named La Toya.


2 White Cloud's named Tito and Jermaine. (These names are courtesy of Mike from Barely Legal).

And last but not least the cutest bottom feeders they had, 2 Albino Catfish. One named Michael and the other named Geoffrey Feiger.

Conversation With My Parents

Elle Woods: What'd Dad get you for Valentine's Day?

Mom: Diamond Earrings.

Dad: The guys at work say jewerly=blowjobs.

Elle Woods: Thanks, I need to go kill myself now.

Mom: Yeah I told him he was crazy if he thought that was happening...What'd you get for Valentine's Day?

Elle Woods: Sweetheart Roses delivered to work and a pearl necklace ¹

Mom: HAHAHAHA!

Dad: I need to go kill myself now.

¹Get your mind out of the gutter it was the jewerly kind.

"All right, I'm going to make you a bicycle. But I don't want to make you a bicycle."

In case you hadn't noticed comments are back, we'll see how long it lasts...Take that, you hyena, don't say thank you.

Random AIM Conversation

barelylegalblog: so i am having issues here

barelylegalblog: intestinal issues

ElleWoods626: what

barelylegalblog: what? you are interested in my gastrointestinal health?

ElleWoods626: i was going to attempt to recommend something

barelylegalblog: well, i have had this cramp on my left side

ElleWoods626: do you have a heating pad or maybe a hot water bottle?

barelylegalblog: yeah

ElleWoods626: lay down with that

barelylegalblog: good idea

ElleWoods626: left side is where the appendix is though

ElleWoods626: i think, but what do i know?

ElleWoods626: so be careful

ElleWoods626: is it near your hip bone?

barelylegalblog: its on the right

barelylegalblog: appendix is

ElleWoods626: ohh...well nevermind then

barelylegalblog: that was the first thing i checked

barelylegalblog: it's higher up, like to the left of my belly button, almost on the side

ElleWoods626: i get that when i'm PMSing

barelylegalblog: it's gas pain

barelylegalblog: no doubt

ElleWoods626: GROSS

barelylegalblog: yeah

barelylegalblog: come over and squeeze me?

ElleWoods626: ewww

barelylegalblog: hahaha

ElleWoods626: you have a girlfriend for that sort of thing

barelylegalblog: my stepbrothers were the definition of fat kids

barelylegalblog: they are twins

barelylegalblog: and they're mom used to feed them so much bad stuff, so their stomachs were all messed up

barelylegalblog: and when they were young, if you poked their stomachs or squeezed them at all, they'd fart

ElleWoods626: ewww

ElleWoods626: sick

barelylegalblog: yeah it was

barelylegalblog: talk about some gassy kids